Jeff quotes from Community

Dean Pelton

[introducing the judges for Britta's trial] Our judges include myself, Dean Craig Pelton.

Professor Ian Duncan.

Professor Ben Chang.

Uh, no, you're a teacher, you're not a professor.

Maybe because I don't look like Ron Weasley.

That's the difference, that's the qualifying factor.

Dean Pelton

Gentleman.

Jeff

Point of order. How can Señor Chang be one of the judges? He's the one accussing my client.

Well, you got Prince Charles over here, your drinking buddy.

Oh, got me.

Dean Pelton

It sounds like there are two biases, one on each side, and I go both ways, so... let's strike that.

Jeff

She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!

[Incredulous] You did what?

Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!

Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!

Jeff

I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!

That's racist.

Jeff

Your soul.

That's racist.

Jeff

Your eyes?

That's gay?

Jeff

That's homophobic.

That's black.

Jeff

That's racist.

Damn.

Britta

What, she's offended?

Jeff

Girls go in groups. Did you learn nothing from stand up comedy in the nineties?

Abed

[commenting on Jeff and Britta's argument] Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.

Jeff

Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.

Abed

Well, that's sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Jeff

You ever miss being a quarterback, Troy?

I miss being the best at something. I miss having a coach. I miss knowing what to think.

Jeff

You still know what to think, Troy.

Oh, good.

Jeff

For instance, after the Dean talked to you about football, you and I were thinking the same thing.

That dude looks like Moby?

Jeff

We were thinking, "What if Troy did play for Greendale?" You'd be surprised at how many of your favorite football players got started at community college.

Really? Name one.

Jeff

Who's your favorite player?

Me. Whoa!

Jeff

Let me tell you a little secret about me, Troy. Every day on my way to school, I drive through downtown, past the courthouse, just to get a glimpse of the world I once ruled, and I just want to jump out of my car, run up the steps, and exploit the legal system for profit, but I can't. I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. You see what I'm saying?

[nodding] You're saying I could be a lawyer.

How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?

Jeff

Because you're a football player, and your name begins with 'T'.

Dean Pelton

[on designing a politically correct school mascot] We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.

Pierce

See, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from. Pan-Asian eye folds, Irish chins, women's breasts.

Jeff

[noticing a chart of skin colors] Is that Seal?

Dean Pelton

That is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.

Pierce

What do you think?

Jeff

I think that not being racist is the new racism.

Jeff

Batman. Are you staying for the party?

Abed

[in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.

Britta

Whoa, Yippee kay yay. Thought you weren't a costume guy.

Jeff

You had to have one to get in here, squirrel.

Britta

Oh, so where did you get it? 'Cause I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late.

Jeff

Well, I know what you're getting at--

Britta

I think the words you're lookin for are "I own a cowboy outfit. And it is tight." Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes!

Jeff

Are you going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one.

Oh, give it up, Winger! Professor Slater doesn't date students... or married Asians who drive mopeds.

Jeff

I'll give you twenty bucks.

I'll bring the hog around.

Hi, Michelle Slater, Ph.D.

Britta

Britta Perry, G.E.D.

Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's?

Jeff

Well, when you say classmate, it sounds like we take naps together and eat paste.

Jeff

Pierce, stop grinding on the Women's Studies department. You are too old to be tripping!

Pierce

I'm old?

Pierce

Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over!

Jeff

Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?

Pierce

I'm old, Jeff.

Jeff

Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first sixty years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.

Pierce

Well, I do have a young, African-American friend now.

Jeff

Yeah, and, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator, in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.