Jeff quotes from Community

Jeff

Troy, I want you to clear your mind.

[Immediately] Done.

Abed

Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.

Jeff

Does that work?

Abed

Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

Abed

The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.

Britta

So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?

Abed

Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Jeff

Abed, you're a god.

Jeff

What are you guys doing?

Abed

They're teaching me how to be someone else.

Jeff

Oh, for God's sake, what did I tell you guys?

Abed

[doing a Jeff impression] Oh, for God's sake everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!

Whoa! That is a good Jeff! How did you do that?

Abed

10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff from Scrubs, 30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.

Jeff

[disappointed] Zach Braff...

Abed

Sorry.

Abed

The truth is lots of girls like me because, let's face it, I'm pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so... I'm more used to them approaching me.

Britta

So we didn't damage your self-esteem or anything?

Abed

Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Jeff

Abed...you're a god. If you'll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.

Is that code for going number one or number two?

Britta

Abed, you've inspired me too. People can mock me all they want. I don't care how I say the word "baggle".

Abed

"Baggle."

Annie

How much effort do I rate?

Jeff

For you, I'd break a light sweat.

Annie

Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?

Jeff

You're becoming dangerous Annie, it's those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain

Jeff

[sobbing] I hate Glee.

Pierce

I'm not crazy about Glee either.

Jeff

I hate it! I don't understand the appeal at all.

Jeff

What is that?

It's a monkey.

Jeff

Why do you have a monkey?

It's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

Pierce

Abed, your social skills aren't exactly streets ahead, you know what I mean?

Abed

I don't.

Jeff

[To Abed] You're not alone on this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead".

Pierce

Trying? Coined and minted. Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.

Annie

Does it just mean "cool", or is it supposed to be like "miles ahead"?

Pierce

[Sighs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Jeff Winger, you son of a bitch. I thought you were dead, man!

Jeff

I was just taking a nap.

Britta

Oh my God, you've been hit.

Jeff

What? Oh no! [rubs shirt] Wait, wait. It's blood. [laughs] I thought it was paint, but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!

Pierce

So, you guys formed an alliance without me?

Jeff

Yep. You with Starburns?

Pierce

Not if I can be with you. (promptly takes his gun and shoots Starburns) It's just Starburns.

Garrett

The paintball game was...was starting... And the...and the Dean... The Dean announced th-the prize. The prize...! We...we turned on each other like...like animals!

Jeff

What was the prize?

Garrett

"Was"?! This is not over! This is still happening...RIGHT NOW!

Pierce

You want my advice? Pork her and move on. It's what we did back in my day.

Jeff

Yes, but you also put hydrogen in blimps and that was bad.

Jeff

Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!

Annie

I said I was sorry!

Jeff

Who cares if you're sorry; we're still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it, then DON'T DO IT!