TV show quotes
Who's birthday? One of your kids?
Yeah right, you see a file in it? Today happens to be Elvis Presley's birthday.
Celebrating the birthday of a dead guy. That's kind of ghoulish, isn't it? I don't know how you could stomach something like that.
It's double mocha chocolate fudge.
Long live the king.
Excuse me miss, I've been sent to collect some specimens.
They're sitting over there on the other side of the bar.
Carla, good news. I've given a lot of thought and I decided to offer my employees a group medical plan.
Oh man, that's great Sammy. What changed your mind?
It's the right thing to do. You guys need it. You deserve it. It's important to you. Plus they passed some kind of law.
Carla, you can't believe God has a personal vendetta against you.
Look at my kids. Look at my husbands. Look at my life. What do you think?
You know Carla never ceases to amaze me. She has a strange mixture of fervent religious faith and primitive superstition. I suppose it's part of our ever changing mixed up culture.
I don't know that you should blame Carla's belief system on culture, Frasier. The need to worship high intelligence is an innate and universal phenomenon. In fact, in recent week it's become clear that my lab rats worship me as a goddess. I must confess I don't discourage them.
Very interesting dear. Apropos of nothing, how many vacation days do you have coming?
I don't know, 80, 85.
What do you say we cash 50, 60 of those in and have you spend a little time with some people?
Darling, are you going to be okay with this?
Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see. Earlier today I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife he never told me about. Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of 1,000 children including his own. Then to top it all off, she hugged me. Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this?
Baby, you're the greatest.
Hey Frase, I hear you used to be married to a children's singer. What's the matter? Burl Ives turn you down?
Do you have a Clavin here?
Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.
Oh Sam, he's so sweet. I don't want to hurt his feelings. What do you say when you break up with a woman?
I usually say, "I'll call you tomorrow."
For the next three hours I need you and the rest of the Cheers' chimps to hold down the noise. Right now I'm entertaining 200 elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Givin' ‘em a first-hand account, John?
Very amusing. Sam, this vent connects directly to my dining room and often we can hear everything you say down here. So tell your mailman to go to that side of the bar if he wants to describe his fungal infections.
You know, I have to second that.
Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.
Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.
Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.
Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?
Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.
OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?
Well, how ‘bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?
What the heck kind of game is that?
That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]
Woody, we've got to be going.
Right. [to Sam] If James has to circle the block more than once he has a hissy fit.
Boy. Chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe?
Oh, yeah. I have that trouble with mine all the time.
Really? What do you do?
I wake up.
Everyone, I have an announcement to make. You may not have noticed but over the last year I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I'm frequently tired and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.
Or some of your weekly ones.
Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen. Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?"
Because you're the loneliest man on earth.
He has another reason.
[about his mother in law] I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems. I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.
How does she want you to be, Dr. Crane?
Well... dead. The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother. You know, Lilith just holds it all in. She has to unload it somewhere and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.
Apparently me, Dr. Crane.
[Lilith is frustrated because her mother is controlling her]
Still can't get your mother off your back, huh? It's very difficult for me to relate to.
[sarcastically] Really?
Oh, yeah. Ma and I don't have any problems. You know, in fact, most people find it's hard to tell that we're even related. Folks down at Club Med are very surprised when they find out we're mother and son... shocked even.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
