Lilith Sternin quotes from Cheers

Lilith

It's a dangerous combination: a karaoke machine and an obsessive personality whose parents used to play Broadway cast albums to drown out their lovemaking.

Lilith

I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration. You strike me as a man who needs professional help. Or perhaps a girlfriend.

Frasier

And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing.

Frasier

Don't you see?! What these two people, who are such geniuses at romance, are trying to do is to get you to take your hair down, thinking that it will stimulate me like some sort of Pavlovian dog. So, why don't you just oblige them. Get this silliness over with so we can get on with our lives.

Lilith

You mean like this?

Frasier

[lustful] Precisely. You know what?

Lilith

What?

Frasier

I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you hard and I'm going to kiss you long. But make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you. In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never--

Frasier

Yes. Like that. Now, listen, Lilith. I think you and I have just been too articulate for words. We talk and we talk when what we really want to do is show how we feel.

Lilith

I think, Dr. Crane--

Frasier

Look, I don't care what you think. We both wanna be animals. Now, I'm going back to my tastefully decorated townhouse and prove it.

Frasier

Well, I-I suggest you come with me.

Lilith

I think I see what you're trying to do, Dr. Crane, and I just want you to know...[breathes heavily] It worked.

Lilith

Let's go.

Lilith

What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing? Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?

Diane

Sam, open the door.

Frasier

Macanudo?

Sam

Don't mind if I do, thank you.

Frasier

You know, I can't stand all this caterwauling, let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I, Claudius on tape.

Sam

Great, I love gladiator flicks.

Frasier

Here's to the most beautiful woman in the world. [Lilith throws the glass of wine in his face] Let me guess, you read the letter.

Frasier

SHE'S NO SLUT! [quails slightly at Lilith's scowl] What slut? Well, I mean, look...it was all a mistake, it's just a big mistake...

Lilith

Oh, you bet it is, mister! You want your freedom!? I'll give you freedom...FROM YOUR TEETH! [She picks up a dish and takes aim at Frasier]

Frasier

NO, LILITH! Not the Royal Doulton!

Frasier

We had oodles of fun and we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.

Cliff

You lost weight on a cruise? I thought there were wall to wall meals?

Lilith

There's also wall to wall waves.

Lilith

I have a small favor to ask regarding our impending wedding. since all of my close friends will be out of town and we have had a previous conversation and our eyes have met on a number of occasions I was wondering if you'd consent to be my maid of honor.

Rebecca

Oh I'm very flattered. I guess so. Sure Lila.

Lilith

Lilith.

Rebecca

Right right. I knew that.

Lilith

You should be decorating professionally.

Norm

Doing you folks a favor is one thing. Anymore of this interior decorating junk could really eat into my reputation as a lazy, beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.

Frasier

But Norm, you have a gift.

Norm

A gift? Try a curse, pal. I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact that I have a great sense of color and I always know where to put the ottoman.

Lilith

Lay your hands upon me everyone, I am life. I am mother. My man's seed is nourished within me. [To Sam] Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating.

Sam

Boy, I tell ya, this is kind of a first for me, uh, but I'm gonna pass.

Lilith

There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her looks to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.

Rebecca

What's that?

Lilith

Scaring them stupid.

Rebecca

Oh Frasier, Lilith excuse me. I know you're probably on your way somewhere.

Lilith

Yes, we are.

Frasier

But when aren't we?

Rebecca

It's just that I have this really bad problem. It's getting so bad that I can't even sleep at night.

Frasier

Well I'm sorry Rebecca, we do have this important lunch.

Rebecca

You see I've been having these erotic dreams.

Frasier

Well lunch be damned! Our friend is in need.

Frasier

Perhaps your dreams are trying to tell you about something too frightening for your waking mind.

Sam

Like what?

Frasier

Like you care. You care about Rebecca.

Sam

Oh come on, Frasier. You know me. How can I care about her? We haven't done the main thing that I care about.

Frasier

Forgive me, Sam. I forgot about your high moral standards.

Lilith

You mean to say, you can't care about a woman unless you sleep with her first?

Sam

Well, yeah.

Lilith

Oh doctor, thank God I felt so isolated here. I guess I had false labor. I'm just so terribly embarrassed because I'm a doctor myself. I was so sure this was the real thing. Not to mention the fact that I was sure I was going to be a mother today. Now I have to go on waiting. I need someone to talk me though this and please please tell me what to do.

False labor. Go home.

Lilith

Well kudos to Carla. It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving and recommence interest in the opposite sex. I know if my Frasier were taken from me in an unforeseen tragedy I would certainly date again after an acceptable period of bereavement.

Frasier

That gives me a warm fuzzy.

Lilith

There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling. You'd be dead and rotting in a box.

Frasier

Woody, can I have another beer and would you check on the robot over there and check if it's thirsty.

Woody

Hey Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that. What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane? Another quart of Valvoline?

Lilith

Oh won't you people stop it? I am not a robot!

Lilith

Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers?

Sam

Hold on a second. Phil, what do you drink?

A Manhattan.

Sam

Manhattan.