Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Carla

[to Eric] You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.

Carla

You know I don't ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I die.

Carla

[about going to the Postman's Ball with Diane, Cliff, and a blind date] This is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.

Carla

[on dancing with Nick] It was a magical moment. You know it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn't a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.

Carla

When the mercury hits 95, I can't be responsible for my actions. Oh who is that hunk over there? In the uniform with the cute buns? [Cliff turns around] Oh my God, it's Clavin. This is worse than I thought. Has he always had that mustache?

Carla

Hey Frase, I hear you used to be married to a children's singer. What's the matter? Burl Ives turn you down?

Sam

How did you know that?

Diane

Well I picked it up in pre-law.

Sam

I thought you were an English major.

Diane

Well that was after art and before psychology.

Sam

Is there anything you weren't in college?

Carla

Blonde.

Diane

Check the yearbook, Carla.

Coach

Carla, how did you do it?

Carla

Nothing to it! I mean, I've been working real hard on this, haven't I Doc? I mean we has some great sessions. I just used this little trick Dr. Graham showed me. I imagined a small point way off in the distance.

Hey Carla, where's that beer I ordered?

Carla

SHUT UP, WE'RE CELEBRATING!! [tosses a beer mug to the man] And I just kept thinking of that point. He never fazed me, I'm telling you. A little deep breathing relaxation... [cut off by credits]

Diane

You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.

Carla

Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?

Sam

[to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.

Norm

[looking for a last-minute date for his boss] Carla, do you suppose...

Carla

No no Norm, don't look at me. I got four kids and I sure ain't lookin' for any more.

Norm

I didn't say to have sex with the guy.

Carla

It doesn't matter. I'm what you call a fast breeder. A man winks at me, I'm three months along.

Diane

Name calling, the last refuge of the monosyllabic.

Carla

I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.

Norm

[about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?

Carla

[about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.

Sam

Oh, sir, save your quarter. That piano hasn't worked in twenty years.

Carla

Use the jukebox. It doesn't work, either, but it's only a dime.

Norm

[about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?

Carla

[about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.

Diane

Sam, let's talk.

Sam

There's nothing to talk about.

Diane

It's important. Come back to the office now.

Carla

Uh oh. Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.

[chanting] Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers, Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers....

Norm

Congratulations! Unless you didn't want another kid.

Coach

Of course, she wanted the kid, Norm.

Carla

Sure I do. What penniless unmarried mother of four wouldn't.