Cheers · Season 9
Wait a minute, Sammy. Look. Rebecca just said she was leaving here and never coming back.
Yeah.
Oh man, this is terrible.
What?
Sammy finally struck out for real.
[Everyone in the bar mumbles]
What are you talking about here?
We all knew it was taking a long time but we thought that eventually you two would be doing the horizontal hokey pokey.
I guess that's it, huh? Lower the flag.
It's the end of an era.
Yup, I guess that's it.
This is about us.
What about us?
Sam, we have been friends too long to let it end this way. And I just came back to say that I'm sorry I ran out earlier in a huff. And that I knew you weren't coming on to me. And when you said I wasn't good that it wasn't just some trick to get me back into bed it was because you were being honest because I am a lousy lover.
No, sweetheart you're not.
Sam, it's alright. It's not like I haven't heard it before.
You're a fantastic lover.
I'm a dud and I know it. Robin just didn't realize it because he's English.
Listen. I wouldn't say you were good if you weren't.
No, no Sam that doesn't wash. You've been after me for three years and you finally got me. I mean if I was even adequate I know that you would've run out there and told every bozo in the bar.
You don't think I was dying to do that? It was making me crazy. It's just that I thought I would be betraying our friendship. I've never had a friend before.
You have lots of friends!
No, no I've never had a friend before.
Fine, eight years of humiliating you weenies is enough. I'm going to find a tougher gang to humiliate.
You can look all over Boston, you won't find any weenies tougher than us.
I've just been feeling a bit edgy these days.
Why's that Dr. Crane?
Lilith in her own compulsive little way made the mistake of asking me if I thought she looked fat.
And what did you say?
I told her she looked just fine.
Rookie mistake. So what kind of punishment are you getting?
I'm not getting any.
Oh you got off easy.
No, I'm not getting any.
No, you're getting off easy.
It doesn't mean I will never see you guys. I can still come in as a customer. Of course with work and all I can't stay for 10 to 12 hours at a stretch like you guys.
That's okay. You can be in the part timers club. They sit over there.
And when you're ready to commit you'll let us know.
Yeah like Phil there. He's right on the verge.
I would like to nominate as the stupidest creature on earth: the one who awakens each day to drive through gridlocked traffic, to sit in a window less office breathing recirculated air, then returns home and collapses into a stupor, only to do the same damn thing all over again every day until he dies.
Looking forward to that vacation, hey Frase?
You bet. We're going to Maui.
[Carla walks into the bar wearing a parka]
What's with the getup?
It's Indian Summer, Sam. I need these clothes for protection.
Protection from what?
The eyes of men.
What are you talking about?
Every time I've conceived a kid it's been during Indian Summer. It's when I'm at my most fertile, Sammy. I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me, or see me or I'll be shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser.
When the mercury hits 95, I can't be responsible for my actions. Oh who is that hunk over there? In the uniform with the cute buns? [Cliff turns around] Oh my God, it's Clavin. This is worse than I thought. Has he always had that mustache?
Your ma's in town?
Yup.
Why don't you pick her up?
No, Normie that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit. I know why she's here. She wants to move back in with me. But she can just forget it. I tell you. She's not going to be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s. No siree sir.
I don't get it, Mr. Clavin. I thought you liked your ma a lot.
A whole lot.
Too much to be healthy really.
I can love you both for different reasons; Woody, I can love you because you're generous, kind, and strong, and Clifford, I can love you because I'm your biological mother and nature dictates there be a bond.
How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
We're sorry man. We feel bad because we know how much the Hungry Heifer means to you.
You don't know the half of it Sammy. I love the Heifer. I don't know what I'm gonna do without that place. It was like my home away from Cheers.
Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers?
Hold on a second. Phil, what do you drink?
A Manhattan.
Manhattan.
As a rule your psycho killers don't have families. They're loners. They may have jobs. They're good to their mothers. By and large they sit alone at night in a dark room writing their depraved thoughts in a diary.
Cliffie, you keep a diary, don't you?
I keep a journal, Norm. A journal.
But so help me God, if a man with a thumb answers...Hold on. It's him. It's the thumb guy and you know what that pervert said? "Allo." What's that in English?
I took French in high school. Allo. Allo means..."I've got your girlfriend in my arms, and soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold."
That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant..."I got your girlfriend in my arms, and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."
Stop heckling the poor lad. Woody, it simply means...that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
