Frasier Crane quotes from Cheers

Frasier

Something tells me Diane's not the type of woman who'd want a ring from a jeweler who starts every business transaction with "Pssst, buddy."

Frasier

[to Lillith] Darling? Don't make yourself too beautiful I can hardly stand to look at you now.

Frasier

You know as my old professor used to say, "If you can't laugh at your patients, what fun are they?"

Frasier

To recap; sitting in the bar today we have among others a man who is actually simple enough to hypnotize himself. I'd like to offer the suggestion that we've seen it all. [Sam enters wearing a military uniform] Happily I stand corrected.

Frasier

[about Frederick and Sam] Isn't it sweet? My son and babysitter passed out in a bar.

Frasier

I sense the mood of the bar. You're all suffering from the winter blues; the shortened daylight hours, the cold numbing weather, the bleak sense of isolation. It's what we in the psychiatric professions call, the jackpot.

Frasier

I"M GOING TO JUMP, LILITH!!!

Frasier

[about Diane's husband] If she's left him a shred of manhood it's only because she's waiting for the right moment to flick it away like the last shriveled pea on her plate. Thank God I'm over her. Hit me, Woody! Four fingers of the meanest swill you got!

Frasier

Carla, why do you keep building walls between you and everyone else?

Carla

Have you taken a good look at everyone else [in the bar]?

Frasier

Touché.

Diane

Oh Frasier, I think I'm going to come back to work here.

Frasier

What?! No no no no no no. Listen as Frasier Crane M.D. I don't think that's a good idea for the two of you. And as Frasier Crane Man I don't think it's a good idea for the three of us.

Coach

Boy Doc, you tell great stories.

Frasier

That was Poe.

Coach

Don't be modest, it was great.

Sam

There are two mysteries going on here. First, Carla's been seeing this very classy guy. Second, your pal has been avoiding you two like the plague. Of course that's the lesser of the two mysteries.

Frasier

Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know dating a common barmaid.

Sam

You're dating a barmaid.

Frasier

Well she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.

Sam

Oh that's right. She was a lunatic.

Diane

There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.

Frasier

I know that.

Diane

What?

Frasier

Good Lord, Diane. A man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.

Diane

So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you.

Frasier

Yes.

Diane

Frasier, how devious. But, why didn't you tell me?

Frasier

Well, I couldn't trust you; you'd have thought it was too cruel.

Diane

Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.

Frasier

No, but it's what guys do, darling... we screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.

Diane

Sam is developing an interest in the Impressionists.

Frasier

Hmm.

Diane

Hmm, what?

Frasier

Hmm, this is suspicious. I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.

Diane

Oh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.

Frasier

Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!

Diane

Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour Dr. Frasier Crane.

Nick

Doctor of what. Can you get any pills?

Frasier

I'm a psychiatrist. Have we met? You wouldn't, by any chance, be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's Fair?

Nick

No, but you're not the first person to ask me.