Cheers · Season 10
Sam, your whole life has been a string of meaningless albeit enjoyable sexual encounters. Now for the first time you're engaging in a meaningful productive pursuit. It's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.
What?
Oh, dirty sex and clean sex.
Woody, we're out of here. You're in charge of the bar.
Why bother, Sam? Whenever you put me in charge nobody every listens to me. I just get laughed at and get drinks poured over my head.
If anyone does that to you, you just sic Carla on them.
I'm talkin' about Carla.
What do you say, Norm? For of us toolin' down old mother road, getting in touch with the old hairy man mobile.
I don't know. I don't think I can handle sitting still for six hours a day.
It might be more like 20.
Oh then I'm in.
Oh shoot. It's a minus. I'm not pregnant. Well we only started trying last night. I guess we can't expect to get pregnant the first time.
I thought that's what the fourth and fifth times were for.
Fifth time? Imagine that.
I'm only up to three.
I wonder what's wrong with Carla.
We all know what's wrong with Carla, but I'm the only one with enough courage to say it. Not enough bran.
[Carla pushes Cliff off his stool]
Sam, I'm gonna read your mind. Okay, think of something.
Right now?
Yeah.
Okay.
You're thinkin' about your car.
Nope.
You're thinkin' about some babe.
Nope.
Wait a minute. Give me a minute. I can do this. Just give me a chance. You're thinkin' about your hair.
Nope.
Come on, Sam. That's everything you ever think about.
Oh say you know Norm, the guy on This Old House said you should apply paint with vertical strokes.
Yeah, what's This Old House?
Well it's a show on PBS.
What's PBS?
Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.
Carla, do you think I'll make a good mother?
Nope.
What do you mean?
You asked me a question. I gave you an answer.
But I'm serious.
Sorry I'm just being honest.
You're not being honest. You're being mean.
Sometimes you get a twofer.
I think I figured out why you haven't been able to give me a baby.
What makes you think it's my fault?
Well I've been doing some reading and I think I know what the problem is. You wear bikini briefs, don't you?
Sweetheart, I know the light's usually off but I do take them off.
The only real hurdle left is Ma. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else is the world meets your significant other.
Which would be which, Cliff?
Now you see my problem.
I am not going to have a baby until I'll know I'll be a good parent.
Taking care of Carla's kids is not going to prove you're a good parent. It just proves you can survive in the wild.
People. People. We cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.
Yes, thank you very much.
The real question is, will they make responsible parents?
That's right.
And the answer is an emphatic no.
Frasier, we need to have a discussion.
oh no, don't tell me you have a thing against Halloween too.
I don't have a thing against Halloween. I just don't want my child panhandling door to door accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers dressed in a silly costume.
But darling, that is Halloween.
Oh well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.
I think you guys should just call it off. I mean I think it's childish.
Excuse me. Childish? Sweetheart, this is bar versus bar. We will use any weapons available to us; water balloons, stink bombs, whoopee cushions, and fake vomit. Yes fake vomit. Now how childish is it?
Hey what's going on, Normie?
It's my birthday Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
