Cheers quotes

Sam

Hey, this had been driving me crazy. I got to know something Paul.

Paul

What Sam?

Sam

I'll try to put this as delicately as I can because you're my friend and I like ya and I don't want to insult ya. Why would any girl be caught dead with you when she could be with me?

Paul

You thought that would offend me?

Sam

I'm serious. What did you do? Slip her a mickey or something?

Paul

Well since you asked me so nicely Sam, I'll tell ya. Paula is what we like to refer to as a chubby chaser.

Sam

You're kidding. You mean she like to go out with guys who are uh...

Paul

Portly Sam. The word is portly.

Lilith

I don't know how comfortable I feel with this setup. He's just a baby. He needs supervision.

Frasier

Well Sam can take care of him.

Lilith

I'm talking about Sam. You know how out of control he can get at times. What a mess he can make.

Frasier

Sam can clean it up.

I'm talking about Sam.

Frasier

Darling, it will just be for a few hours.

Lilith

All right but if anything goes wrong he could be scarred for life.

Frasier

You mean Sam, right.

Lilith

Yes and it's a threat.

Sam

Say Carla, I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?

Carla

Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby stick a bottle in their mouth.

Sam

Great, okay, good.

Okay I'm ready.

Carla

Here's everything you need to know about customers. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.

Frasier

[about Frederick and Sam] Isn't it sweet? My son and babysitter passed out in a bar.

Sam

Do you think guys have a biological clock? You know like they know it's time to have a kid.

Carla

Oh yeah. Usually when they say, "Hey Carla, you want to go out tonight?"

Frasier

Sam, your whole life has been a string of meaningless albeit enjoyable sexual encounters. Now for the first time you're engaging in a meaningful productive pursuit. It's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.

Sam

What?

Frasier

Oh, dirty sex and clean sex.

Sam

Woody, we're out of here. You're in charge of the bar.

Woody

Why bother, Sam? Whenever you put me in charge nobody every listens to me. I just get laughed at and get drinks poured over my head.

Sam

If anyone does that to you, you just sic Carla on them.

Woody

I'm talkin' about Carla.

Cliff

What do you say, Norm? For of us toolin' down old mother road, getting in touch with the old hairy man mobile.

Norm

I don't know. I don't think I can handle sitting still for six hours a day.

Cliff

It might be more like 20.

Norm

Oh then I'm in.

Rebecca

Oh shoot. It's a minus. I'm not pregnant. Well we only started trying last night. I guess we can't expect to get pregnant the first time.

Sam

I thought that's what the fourth and fifth times were for.

Norm

Fifth time? Imagine that.

Cliff

I'm only up to three.

I wonder what's wrong with Carla.

Cliff

We all know what's wrong with Carla, but I'm the only one with enough courage to say it. Not enough bran.

Carla

Sam, I'm gonna read your mind. Okay, think of something.

Sam

Right now?

Carla

Yeah.

Sam

Okay.

Carla

You're thinkin' about your car.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

You're thinkin' about some babe.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

Wait a minute. Give me a minute. I can do this. Just give me a chance. You're thinkin' about your hair.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

Come on, Sam. That's everything you ever think about.

Frasier

Oh say you know Norm, the guy on This Old House said you should apply paint with vertical strokes.

Norm

Yeah, what's This Old House?

Frasier

Well it's a show on PBS.

Norm

What's PBS?

Lilith

Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

Rebecca

Carla, do you think I'll make a good mother?

Carla

Nope.

Rebecca

What do you mean?

Carla

You asked me a question. I gave you an answer.

Rebecca

But I'm serious.

Carla

Sorry I'm just being honest.

Rebecca

You're not being honest. You're being mean.

Carla

Sometimes you get a twofer.

Rebecca

I think I figured out why you haven't been able to give me a baby.

Sam

What makes you think it's my fault?

Rebecca

Well I've been doing some reading and I think I know what the problem is. You wear bikini briefs, don't you?

Sam

Sweetheart, I know the light's usually off but I do take them off.

Cliff

The only real hurdle left is Ma. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else is the world meets your significant other.

Norm

Which would be which, Cliff?

Cliff

Now you see my problem.