Samson quotes from Camp Lazlo

Raj

No matter where we hide, the Squirrel Scouts always find us!

Lazlo

They won't find us in here, Raj.

Raj

[gasps fearfully when he hears a squealing sound, believing it's them] (Oh, no!) Here they come!

Samson

That's just my deviated septum. It's not so loud if I breathe through my mouth.

Lazlo

[as Raj and Clam crawl out from under the cabin] Raj? Clam? You slipped the magazine under the door.

Raj

Guilty. It's amazing what you can do with tape, scissors, and a picture of Edward. [holds up the new issue of "Dreamboat" with a picture of Edward tapped on it]

Edward

[off-screen, while the Squirrel Scouts chase him down] NO!!!!

Lazlo

Whoa! Poor Edward.

Samson

I'd hate to be that guy.

Samson

Why, Edward? Why?

Edward

I don't know, Samson. All I know is that "girls" shouldn't be allowed on our bus.

Samson

[weakly] Hold me.

Samson

[thinking to himself; worried] Oh, this is terrible! What should I do?

Tell the truth, Samson. You'll feel better.

No, don't! They'll all hate you. I…I…

What's wrong?

The shoulder's so filthy.

Patsy

You're not getting your dirt back!

Samson

Well, we don't want it back. Now that it's being stuck to your ugly faces!

Patsy

[outraged] What did you say?!

Samson

You heard me! Ugly! You Squirrel Scouts are the ugliest creeps... [gets mud thrown into his face and mouth, then spits it out] I got some! I got some! Your faces, uh... look like a sour, pot-bellied sow on Sour-Pot-Bellied-Sows-Are-Ugly Day!

Samson

Dinner music. [Ignatious, Bill, and Mort frightfully take out and play some instruments] Give me some soda pop. [Ted pours some soda pop into his cup; glares fiercely at Wilbert] DID I SAY YOU COULD LOOK AT ME?! [eats his food] This food isn't going to chew itself!

Harold

[showing a photo to Dave] There she is.

Dave

Wow. She's beautiful.

Samson

Let me see that. [takes the photo out of Harold's hand] I've seen better. [stuffs the photo in his pocket] I'll keep it anyway.

Harold

But that was a picture of my mom.

Samson

Is there gonna be another yeti attack tonight? Cause, I got to get to sleep soon.

Edward

Well, let's just say, [shoves his beak into the tin can phone, creating an ominous echoed sound effect] stay tuned! [takes his beak out of the tin can and snickers]

Edward

[over the radio] They're getting closer! This isn't a stunt! Call the coast guard!

Samson

[enters their cabin] Hey, guys! Chip! Skip! Come on, you two! We're gonna go watch Edward getting eaten by yetis!

Cool!

Lazlo

Come on! Hurry!

Clam

[while carrying Raj] Save Edward! Save Edward!

Dave

Where you going?

Raj

Radio station.

Clam

Save Edward.

Dave

[to Ping Pong] Want to watch Edward get eaten by yetis?

Ping Pong

It beats sitting here.

Edward

[still freaking out] Help! I lied about last night! This is real now! [voice cowering] This has been...Edward...After Dark. [screams as the yetis enter]

Raj

Are we too late?

Lazlo

[solemnly] Yes, Raj.

Raj

[to Clam] Can you put me down now?

Chip

[holding a radio] Goodbye, Edward.

Commander Hoo-Ha

Now, I know what you're all asking yourselves why did Hoo-Ha bring his daughter here, hmm? The answer is simple: I have decided that she is at proper age to know what a boy is.

Patsy

Daddy, I know what a boy is...

Commander Hoo-Ha

Dup-dup-dup-dup! [picks Lazlo up] This, pumpkin, is a boy.

Patsy

Hi, Lazlo!

Lazlo

Ahem. Hoo-Ha's your dad?

Patsy

Duh!

Commander Hoo-Ha

No fraternizing with my pumpkin! Fraternizing leads to liking. And if a boy wants to like my Pumpkin [puts his hands next to both sides of Patsy's eyes], not just like, I mean like like, WHO COULD SAY WHAT I'D DO?! [blows his top in anger, which flies in front of the Beans and catches fire and disappears] Well I don't have to worry about that, do I? Isn't that right?!

Samson

You really have to beat me up?

Edward

Fine, I'll get some more stamps.

Samson

[covers his eyes] He's still got that rash...

Samson

[to one of the trouts] Here, do that thing you do with the paper, come on! Do it!

[reading the diary page] Dear Diary, I want to be Lazlo's friend so...

Samson

[interrupts and snatches the page back] Give me that!

Samson

Hey wait, they're just trying to distract us from the real funny. Lazlo's still wearing a diaper!

Lazlo

Huh, oh this isn't a diaper.

Raj

Really?

Clam

Denial.

Samson

It's not? Well then what is it?

Lazlo

It's a tinkle-tog, just like the astronaut's wear.

Samson

So, you're actually wearing some sort of futuristic space diaper?

Lazlo

Yeah, kind of.

Raj

Lazlo, can you hold my seat while I go to the bathroom?

Lazlo

Sure, Raj.

Raj

[goes in his tinkle tog] Okay, I'm done.

Samson

Look, Raj just went to the bathroom like the astronauts!

Raj

[dreamily] Just like the astronauts

Chef McMuesli

[gives out sigh of relief then looks down] Forgot I wasn't wearing tinkletogs.

Edward

Ta da! [no one didn't pay attention to him] Some people just had no class. Is someone gonna take my cloak or am I just gonna stand here all day?

Glad to, Edward. [takes Edward's Cloak]

Edward

This is what I'm talking about.

Nice cape.

Edward

It's a cloak, you peasant.

[imitates Edward] Look at me. I'm the king of Camp Kidney.

Edward

I know where you live, freak! You stain my cloak, you buy my cloak. Capisce? [give Chef McMuesli the note] Chef McMuesli. Chef McMuesli. Look what I got.

Chef McMuesli

Oh it's Edward Day Huh?

Edward

Go ahead, McMuesli. Surprise me.

Chef McMuesli

[imitates Edwars] Give me my lunch and make it snappy, broccoli breath!

Edward

Just give me some lunch, will ya?

Chef McMuesli

[still imitating Edward] Coming right up! One macaroni surprise! Next!

Edward

[sits right next to Samson] You have the honor of sitting with me, peasant.

Samson

[imitates Edward] What do you want to see me? Get sick or something?

Edward

[annoyed] Listen up people. I don't know what you think you're all doing. You should be worshiping me! [everyone imatates Edward] Enough already! I hear by declare Edward Day finished!

Edward

Alright, who's the wise guy? Well, where are ya?

Clam

Well, where are ya?

Edward

Wha? [everyone likes Clam's impersonation of Edward] You're supposed to worship me, not imitate me!

Clam

You're supposed to worship me, not imitate me!

Edward

GRRRR!!!

Clam

GRRRR!!

Edward

That's it!

Clam

That's it!

Edward

[walks out of the Mess Hall] I'm gonna end Edward Day once and for all! [plays the bedtime bugle]

Clam

So I say to the guy "what am I, a duck?"

Raj

It's bedtime already?

Lumpus

[from the window] Trying to nap here!

Edward

That's the bedtime bugle, Lumpus. Go back to bed!

Lumpus

Oh, daylight savings time, huh? Well, keep it down anyway!

Edward

There. problem solved. Edward Day is officially over.

Lazlo

Wanna play shadow puppets?

Samson

I just drop teddy at the Laundromat.

Edward

[goes into his cabin] Phew! Goodbye camp Hello dreamland. [noticed Clam was in his bed and screams] WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BUNK?!

Clam

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BUNK?!

Clam

But I Love being Edward.

Edward

You're not Edward, I'M EDWARD!

Clam

You're not Edward, I'M EDWARD!

Edward

Grr! Hey, stink sacks!

Clam

Hey, stink sacks!

Edward

Will you tell this fruitcake who Edward is?!

Clam

Will you tell that fruitcake who Edward is?!

Skip

Are we dreaming?

Chip

I think so.

See?!

Clam

[from inside] Nobody's interesting!

Edward

[from inside] Don't copy me!

Clam

[from inside] Stop doing that!

Edward

[from inside] Why are you such an idiot?! [the Bean Scouts wake up and goes to Edward's Cabin and complain] You can go to sleep after you tell this imitation who the original Edward is!

Clam

Not in this lifetime, butterball!

Samson

Okay, now that is Edward.

Lazlo

[walks up to Clam and Edward] Excuse me. Pardon me Fred. Pardon me hippo guy. Uh beg pardon pig character that I've not met until now. [chuckles] Looks like we've got ourselves a little mix up. Hmm. What we need here is a good old fashion face off to find the real Edward. Let's start with Edward on the Right.

Edward

Edward on the right?! THERE IS NO EDWARD ON THE RIGHT!!! I'M THE ONLY EDWARD!!!!

BOOOO!!!!

Too wimpy!

Lazlo

Well, I guess that was pretty good.

Clam

I'm surrounded by idiots!

Lazlo

Yeah that's him!

Edward

This camp is only big enough for one Edward!

Edward on the right! Edward on the right!

Edward

[leaves his cabin] If he's Edward then who does that make me Clam? Ugh can't think of the worse...Wait a minute. Wait just one minute.

Lazlo

Oh, um, hello there, Edward. What can I do for ya?

Edward

[imitating] Duh, me Clam.

Lazlo

Do you have something stuck in your throat, Edward?

Edward

No [grabs the picture] Duh, Clam. I am Clam.

Lazlo

Oh, I get it. He likes our picture.

Raj

Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, Edward.

Edward

Clam!!! I'm impersonating Clam, you idiots!!!

Raj

Okay, is he still doing Clam?

Lazlo

I think he's trying to do Edward again. Oooh, look what time it is. Well, Clam, we better get down to the mess hall. We don't want to miss breakfast.