What do you guys even want here, anyway?
Cameron Campbell made great promises to all of our countries. Only to make weasel out of deals! [considers] Is that expression? "To make weasel"?
S3 E3Foreign Exchange Campers
Ah, you are supposed to be American cosmonaut! How does it feel to have failing space program?
[beat] ...What the fuck did you just say to me?
[While everyone is fighting, Brian/"Kimchi" gets into Cameron Campbell's safe, dropping his neutral, mid-Atlantic accent]
BBrian
Ha, FOOLS!
DDang
But-- He-- [checks his back and front pants pockets] I had the combination! Where'd it go!?
You guys, I think Kimchi just won the scavenger hunt.
BBrian
[in a pronounced Kentucky drawl] Shut up! I've had to suffer you morons all day just to get my prize! And now, finally, Kentucky has all the resources it needs, to secede from this godless country! And create a utopia where we can raise horses and fry chicken to our hearts' content! [flips everyone off] Long live the Colonel, assholes! [jumps through a window, and flies away as a helicopter shows up and drops down a rope ladder; singing] Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home...
We... we have failed!
HHwan
The Great Leader will not be pleased. And I cannot face the labor camps!
DDang
[he, Vera and Hwan get out their Cyanide pill bottles] Bottoms up, comrades.
S3 E4Nikki's Last Day on Earth
DDolf
Tsk, tsk. This is no good.
No good? That sounds bad!
DDolf
I am afraid it is a case- of death.
[notices Nikki crying] Hey!... You... Don't... uh... tears?
I AM DYING, MAX! You just don't care because you're selfish, and you only ever care about yourself! THAT'S WHAT SELFISH MEANS! [silence]
Woah.
Wow. Sorry. I dunno what came over me. I guess this whole morbid experience has got me all emotional and moody.
[Nikki is awaiting for her boat and herself to be on fire as a flaming arrow shot by Nurf misses her and goes into the water, much to her impatience]
Come on, hit me already!
This is harder than it looks!
[offscreen] STOP!
[runs up and takes away the bow from Nurf] Kids, I'm concerned about the number of times I've had to ask this, but, why are you trying to set Nikki on fire?
Neil poisoned Nikki so we're burning her body like vikings!
Dude!
[runs up to Nikki, who is still in the boat] Nikki, are you really dead?
[with one eye open and a whispering voice] Yes.
S3 E7Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper
M2Agent Miller #2
[he and his husband lose signal of Cameron Campbell going undercover] Campbell? Damn. We lost the signal.
M1Agent Miller #1
Do you wanna see how fast we can load our guns?
M2Agent Miller #2
[happily] This is why I married you.
I tried to create the perfect day of camp for you and everything. But your only goal was to hurt me. Because of something I said when I was just a kid.
Just a KID!?!? Kids are DIABOLICAL MONSTRONSITIES that drive you to THE BRINK OF INSANITY! After everything I've done for you, you chose a bunch of kids, over ME.
But that's... that's the job. You really don't get that, do you?
David, seriously!? You actually feel sorry for this piece of shit!? This doesn't piss you off!?
[to Max] I'm not p'd off, Max. [to Cameron Campbell] I'm just...
[gasps] Don't say it!
...Disappointed.
NOOOOOOOOOO-HO-HO-HO! [rips off his uniform and runs off into the wilderness screaming]
Wow. That is the fastest I've ever seen this place break a new kid.
S3 E11City Survival
[notices a couple with one holding a sword] WHOA! Where are they going!?
[forces Nerris to move along] Nowhere! Probably some drug convention!
[Harrison is watching a street magician]
SMStreet Magician
Find the silver ball. [as he shuffles the cups] Get an authentic Dolex watch!
Heh. What an amateur. He doesn't even have a ball.
[grabs Harrison's arm and yanks him away] Harrison!
DDolph
David, look! Zat baldman is handing out flyers with a picture of me!
[forces Dolph back to the group] Let's go this way.
YAYoung Adult Woman
Hello, sir. Would you like to help save the kids?
I'M TRYING! [the woman walks away]
MIMan in Trenchcoat
[walks up to David] Hey, wanna have a good time?
[rhetorically answering] Sure! David loves having a good time!
[nervously laughs] No thanks.
MIMan in Trenchcoat
[opens his trenchcoat to reveal flyers and brochures to the museum while his shirt reads "I ❤️ Trench Coats"] You sure? Kids get in free to the museum today! There's hot air balloon rides to the park, all kinds of fun activates for all ages!
Oh! Thank you!
We're actually looking for some of our missing friends. About, yay high, real nerdy?
MIMan in Trenchcoat
Hm... If I were to start somewhere, I'd go with downtown. That's why I got lost as a kid. Good luck! [David and the rest of the campers wave "bye" at him cheerfully; to himself, sadly] Ugh. Never did find my parents.
[David and the other campers get out of a van]
Thanks again for the ride! [walks off]
VDVan Driver
Anytime! [gets out a bag of candy for the campers] Don't forget about the free candy I promised ya! [the campers cheer in excitement]
Nikki? Max? Are you in this horrible alley? [a mugger walks up to him from behind] Scream once if you're being murdered.
MMugger
Alright, hand it over!
[turns to look at the mugger and raises his hands up] Oh my gosh!
MMugger
I mean it, pal! I'll cut you a new one!
A new what!?
[The campers walk up to David, while they examine what they got from the driver]
Whoa! Full size candy bars? That guy wasn't messing around.
[waves a candy bar to David] David! You gotta see this!
MMugger
[notices the kids behind David] Oh, are all these kids with you? Oh man, it's hard out there for a single parent, isn't it?
I... I... I...
MMugger
Oh here, please. [gives David his knife] You need this more than I do. This city is dangerous, but be careful, it's incredibly sharp. Mugged a lot of people with this knife and now you will do.
Oh. My fingerprints are on this now.
Wow! David got the Sword of Truth! Bonus D 30 by 63 points!
MMugger
[as he walks off] Always listen to your dad, kids!
Thanks, dude!
S3 E12Camp Corp
Camp Corp. Accounting, Gwen speaking!
Fuck!
Wait a minute- Max?
Yeah, sorry. I bet Campbell five bucks you'd be working in the mail room.
You little shit! I'm better th- Wait. Campbell, as in-?
Yeah, it's a long story, but the punchline is that we're getting Camp Campbell back and we need your help.
I know you finally have a respectable job, Gwen, so if you don't want to get involved-
FUCK THIS JOB! [other office staff come out of their cubicles to look] I mean- whaa? [quietly] Fuck this job! They don't need me! There's nothing to do! I get paid to just sit around and wait!
Hey, now, that is a hard job to land.
Gwen, really, are you sure about this?
[Gwen pauses, looking at the #2 Counselor mug on her desk]
You're goddamn right I am. What do you need me to do?
S4 E1Keep the Change
FOOD FIGHT!
[Neil ends up taking cover beside Nikki and Max; he looks at the gallon of milk he's holding (for some reason)]
What am I supposed to do with a gallon of milk?
Drink it all for a devastating projectile attack!
[clearly not interested] We're all counting on you, Neil.
Aaaand the entire mess hall is already destroyed. Mr. Campbell, why didn't you stop them?
Hey, now. My community service doesn't start until 7 in the morning!
It is 8:45.
Weeelll, who's counting?
A federal judge. So get dressed, and start cleaning! Preferably in that order.
I can't deal with another 12 hours of hard labor!
It's the same work David and I do every day. You don't even have to do a good job! You just have to be a decent human being!
That's the hard part!
S4 E6Follow the Leader
SSasha
[points at Pikeman] You, Woodboy, build us a shelter.
PPikeman
These are not the right conditions for a proper--
SSasha
NOW!!!!!
PPikeman
[runs off to gather wood] Aah!
S4 E7Preston Goodplay's Good Play
[Preston is bombarded with so many requests from the campers, he faints, falls through the floor and ends up falling in mid-air. Once he nearly hits the ground, he awakens to find himself inside the mess hall and sees an older version of himself and the campers.]
[loses his balls] Oopsie doodle dangle! My balls! [the old crowd laughs]
What is this?
Your future... [takes off his hood] Preston.
No! My future is on Broadway! Or the dazzling world of audiobooks!
No. You're doomed to be the king of low brow memes.
No, NO! I challenge people's head brains!
[disgustingly blows his nose on $100 bills] The uterus of time has a way of changing a person.
I'm not you! I don't want this!
[barely laughs] I am you! And you are me! We're sellouts! Nothing more!
[As he laughs, all the old campers turn their heads to laugh at Preston, who screams in terror. Preston then wakes up, revealing the whole thing he went through was a nightmare. He sees the other campers standing inside Dolph's tent.]
He's awake!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Camp Camp pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.