DavidMax, that is it! I am fed up with your bad attitude! Why do you always have to bring everyone else down instead of try just a little bit to have fun?
David- [hands him the folder with Max's Camp Camp enrollment form]
David
Now let's all put on a happy face, go out there, and show everyone just how great you are at- [opens the folder] um-
[David stares at Max's enrollment form; apart from his name and age, his parents wrote nothing about him]
I told you. They didn't care. [leaves, fighting back tears] Just make something up so we can get this over with.
David
Max, I- I didn't know.
And now, for our final, and most important performance- [David and Gwen look at Campbell from behind the curtains, then at Max, who is sitting dejectedly in a corner] give it up for Davey, Gladys, aand- [sees nobody there, then Max's form on the floor] Uh- what the what? Oh, don't tell me I lost another kid! [surprised campers and parents stand up] Uh, that may have sounded incriminating, but- [flees offstage]
Why are we here? What about Campbell's big show?
David
It's stupid.
David
You're right. It's stupid. You shouldn't have to pretend for anyone.
David
I'm sorry, Max. I try to always see the good in things. And I try to get others to see the same, but- pretending things are okay when they're not doesn't help anything. I'm sorry your parents don't care enough, Max. You have every right to be angry. You deserve to be happy, and I hope you can find that here at Camp. Even if it's not today.
Life sucks sometimes, but at least there's pizza.
DDaniel
I wanted to give you a nice, memorable death, Max! But now you've given me no choice but to stab you. Like some commoner!
David
Max! [tackles Daniel]
[Max grabs a crossbow]
Don't move! I sorta know how to use this!
DDDaniel & David
Don't shoot! It's me, David! Ha! You wish you were David! I'm David!
Okay, I'm just gonna shoot you both.
David
You know it's me, Max! You have to know!
You're overestimating this relationship! [fires the crossbow at a shelf of canned milk, hitting one of the cans; Daniel falls as he gets sprayed]
DDaniel
Oh, not dairy! Oh, God, it's getting in my mouth... [curls up as indigestion hits him]
Daniel has a weird milk thing... I don't know, it was too boring to follow.
[Nikki is awaiting for her boat and herself to be on fire as a flaming arrow shot by Nurf misses her and goes into the water, much to her impatience]
This is harder than it looks!
David
[runs up and takes away the bow from Nurf] Kids, I'm concerned about the number of times I've had to ask this, but, why are you trying to set Nikki on fire?
Neil poisoned Nikki so we're burning her body like vikings!
[runs up to Nikki, who is still in the boat] Nikki, are you really dead?
[with one eye open and a whispering voice] Yes.
David
I tried to create the perfect day of camp for you and everything. But your only goal was to hurt me. Because of something I said when I was just a kid.
Just a KID!?!? Kids are DIABOLICAL MONSTRONSITIES that drive you to THE BRINK OF INSANITY! After everything I've done for you, you chose a bunch of kids, over ME.
David
But that's... that's the job. You really don't get that, do you?
David, seriously!? You actually feel sorry for this piece of shit!? This doesn't piss you off!?
David
[to Max] I'm not p'd off, Max. [to Cameron Campbell] I'm just...
David
...Disappointed.
NOOOOOOOOOO-HO-HO-HO! [rips off his uniform and runs off into the wilderness screaming]
Wow. That is the fastest I've ever seen this place break a new kid.
[notices a couple with one holding a sword] WHOA! Where are they going!?
David
[forces Nerris to move along] Nowhere! Probably some drug convention!
[Harrison is watching a street magician]
SMStreet Magician
Find the silver ball. [as he shuffles the cups] Get an authentic Dolex watch!
Heh. What an amateur. He doesn't even have a ball.
David
[grabs Harrison's arm and yanks him away] Harrison!
DDolph
David, look! Zat baldman is handing out flyers with a picture of me!
David
[forces Dolph back to the group] Let's go this way.
YAYoung Adult Woman
Hello, sir. Would you like to help save the kids?
David
I'M TRYING! [the woman walks away]
MIMan in Trenchcoat
[walks up to David] Hey, wanna have a good time?
[rhetorically answering] Sure! David loves having a good time!
David
[nervously laughs] No thanks.
MIMan in Trenchcoat
[opens his trenchcoat to reveal flyers and brochures to the museum while his shirt reads "I ❤️ Trench Coats"] You sure? Kids get in free to the museum today! There's hot air balloon rides to the park, all kinds of fun activates for all ages!
David
Oh! Thank you!
We're actually looking for some of our missing friends. About, yay high, real nerdy?
MIMan in Trenchcoat
Hm... If I were to start somewhere, I'd go with downtown. That's why I got lost as a kid. Good luck! [David and the rest of the campers wave "bye" at him cheerfully; to himself, sadly] Ugh. Never did find my parents.
[David and the other campers get out of a van]
David
Thanks again for the ride! [walks off]
VDVan Driver
Anytime! [gets out a bag of candy for the campers] Don't forget about the free candy I promised ya! [the campers cheer in excitement]
David
Nikki? Max? Are you in this horrible alley? [a mugger walks up to him from behind] Scream once if you're being murdered.
MMugger
Alright, hand it over!
David
[turns to look at the mugger and raises his hands up] Oh my gosh!
MMugger
I mean it, pal! I'll cut you a new one!
David
A new what!?
[The campers walk up to David, while they examine what they got from the driver]
Whoa! Full size candy bars? That guy wasn't messing around.
[waves a candy bar to David] David! You gotta see this!
MMugger
[notices the kids behind David] Oh, are all these kids with you? Oh man, it's hard out there for a single parent, isn't it?
David
I... I... I...
MMugger
Oh here, please. [gives David his knife] You need this more than I do. This city is dangerous, but be careful, it's incredibly sharp. Mugged a lot of people with this knife and now you will do.
David
Oh. My fingerprints are on this now.
Wow! David got the Sword of Truth! Bonus D 30 by 63 points!
MMugger
[as he walks off] Always listen to your dad, kids!
Camp Corp. Accounting, Gwen speaking!
Yeah, sorry. I bet Campbell five bucks you'd be working in the mail room.
You little shit! I'm better th- Wait. Campbell, as in-?
Yeah, it's a long story, but the punchline is that we're getting Camp Campbell back and we need your help.
David
I know you finally have a respectable job, Gwen, so if you don't want to get involved-
FUCK THIS JOB! [other office staff come out of their cubicles to look] I mean- whaa? [quietly] Fuck this job! They don't need me! There's nothing to do! I get paid to just sit around and wait!
Hey, now, that is a hard job to land.
David
Gwen, really, are you sure about this?
[Gwen pauses, looking at the #2 Counselor mug on her desk]
You're goddamn right I am. What do you need me to do?
David
No one's going to end up a failure in life!
Oh, kids. Of course you're going to fail! [The campers panic] For Christ's sake, will you stop screeching?! Failure is unavoidable. Like going to a baseball game and then remembering baseball is terrible! The fact of the matter is, most of you- like me- won't end up where you want to be in the future.
Will you stop?! [composes himself, continues thoughtfully] Here's the thing. You've got to take your failures, and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell, for instance. A lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the Camp realized it would never reach the end of its path until it was ready, or until it gave up! So, if the Camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.
Woah. I had no idea this camp had so many complex emotions.
So maybe there's no need to rush anything. Sorry, Gwen.
Yeah, well. I guess dusting off some of those writing samples could make for some good practice.
Maybe the time capsules aren't scary commitments to the future, but are actually just proof of how we've grown since childhood.
Or maybe they're a waste of fucking energy. All in favor of striking this Camp activity from the roster forever?
[Every camper except Max raises their hands; the others drop their boxes into the fire]
I don't know what happened here today, David, but whatever it was, [drops the box he's holding in the fire] I'm glad I was here to be a part of it.
David
Did you just throw your treasury bonds in the fire?
Oh, my God, WHAT'VE I DONE?!
[David and Max watch the sun setting over Lake Lilac]
David
Nobody knows what's gonna happen tomorrow, or the day after that. It could be good, bad- total surprise. One day, you're at a summer camp you hate. The next, you don't want to leave. One day, everything is running smoothly. The next- boy. Max, this is Gwen's last summer at Camp Campbell.
David
She got an offer she couldn't refuse.
David
Like a job.
David
I could never have kept this place running without Gwen. Heck, I couldn't be here with you now if it wasn't for her. If I can't find someone new, if I can't do this on my own, there may not be a next summer after all.
So- what're you gonna do if things don't work out?
David
I don't know. But, whether they do or they don't, one of these days I'm going to close up Camp for the last time. So the more I can make of what I have today, the more I can walk away with when it's gone. That's all I want for you kids, Max. To have something to take with you.
[Something explodes downhill, from the direction of Camp]
David
Is that coming from-?
David
Ooh, can you believe it? We're back for a whole new summer!
Yep, it's really, truly horrifying.
David
Oh, Max, you must be a little excited to see the other campers!
You know what? I am. [David gasps in excitement] This camp sucks, but you know what else sucks? Life out there; family, school, crumbling society... These assholes are way more fun!
David
...I'll take it!
Though, I guess Gwen is gone, and Campbell won't be around to involve us in his "illegal schemes", but overall, it'll be the same.
[A new camp counselor named C.J. arrives]
CJC.J.
Yup! Exactly the same.
David
[chuckles] C.J.! I... couldn't help but notice you made some [looks at C.J.'s outfit style] modifications to your counselor uniform. Well, you know what they say, the lower the "V", the higher the SPF. It gets hotter every year thanks to... climate change.
CJC.J.
[chuckles] I don't touch that stuff.
David
Sun... screen?
CJC.J.
Climate change. Or sunscreen. Full of chemicals. Here, take these supplements, [holds up a bottle and throws two of them to David and Max] it'll make your skin wet, the sun HATES. It also skyrockets your libido and um... [points at David's hair] stimulates hair growth. [David gasps and covers his hair in fear]
This dynamic will be fun to exploit.
Camp Camp · 71 quotes
