This is a nightmare. This is... my world is spinning.
It's not that bad, Willow, really.
740? Verbal? I'm-I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
That's right. And the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.
I just... where did I go wrong?
You did amazing, Willow. As usual.
Cordelia! Willow is very sad about her academic failure. How did you do? This is not good.
Well, I'm just worried it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out I'm dating a brain.
Please. I have some experience in covering these things up.
OzWell, I can see why you'd be upset. That was my sarcastic voice.
You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz
I've been told that. But we should celebrate, do something.
A double date! It could have potential.
Buffy! Hey, did you get your S.A.T. Scores?
By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are going to be manning the drive-through window side by side.
They're just test scores, right? What do they really mean, anyway?
1430! Buffy, you kicked ass! Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited.
Oz
Yeah. With scores like that, you can apply pretty much anywhere you want.
Buffy, this could, like, change your whole future.
The though had occurred to me.
I don't know. I guess... my future. I never really thought about it. I wasn't even sure I was going to have one.
Well, I think this is great. Now you can leave and never come back! Well, I mean that in a possible way. Get out of Sunnydale. That's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?
Oz
You ever have that dream where you're in a play and it's the middle of the play and you really don't know your lines? And you kinda don't know the plot?
Well, we're alone, and, we're together. I-I just wanted it to be special.
Oz
How special we talkin'?
Well, y'know, we're alone ... and ... we're both ... mature younger people, and-and so ... w-we could ... I-I'm ready to ... w-with you ... [whispers] we could do that thing.
Oz
[stands up] Ahh ...
Oz
No, not going, just uh ... dramatic gesture. That's-that's pretty special.
[also stands up] Oz, I-I wanna be with you. First.
Oz
I think we should sit down again.
[They sit.]
Oz
Okay, well, don't take this the wrong way, but ... I'm not.
Are you scared? 'Cause I thought you had-
Oz
No, I-I have. But, this is different. I mean, you look great, y'know, and you got the Barry workin' for ya, and-and it's all ... good. But when it happens I want it to be because we both need it to, for the same reason. You don't have to prove anything to me.
I just wanted you to know.
Oz
I know. I get the message.
[They kiss]
Uh, wait, wait a minute. Uh... Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
And in some language that's English?
Oz
Fairy tales are real?
Hans and Gre... Hansel and Gretel?
Wait. Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Of course! Well, it makes sense now.
Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by, not by destroying men, but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
And then she and probably dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history. It happened in Salem, not surprisingly.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm still spinning on this whole fairy tales are real thing.
Oz
So what do we do?
I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans ... [silence] No one else is seeing the funny here.
You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like... Slayer kryptonite.
Oz
Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.
You're assuming I was talking about the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of all his powers.
Oz
Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird --
But ... it's just that it's bugging me ... this cool thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of "cool"?
Oz
Not sure.
I mean you, yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Oz
Am I?
Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, non-committal phrases?
Oz
Could be.
No, you're in a band! That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Oz
Not the way I play it.
Okay, but on the other hand, eighth grade: I'm takin' the flugelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But ya need a thing. One thing nobody else has. What do I have?
Oz
An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.
Oz
[voice over] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [out loud] Hmm.
[voice over] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! Four times five is 30. Five times six is 32. Naked girls. Naked women! And naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!
God, Xander! Is that all you think about?
Actually... bye. [bolts from the library]
I think we could be dead in two days and you're being ironic, detachment guy.
Oz
Would it help you if I panic?
Yes! It'd be swell. Panic is a thing people can share in times of crisis. And everything's really scary now, you know? And I don't know what's going to happen. A-a-and there's all sorts of things that you're supposed to get to do after high school, and I was really looking forward to doing them, and now we're probably just going to die, and I'd like to feel that maybe you would --
[Oz kisses her.]
Oz
Panicking.
[Oz kisses Willow again, they fall onto Willow's bed.]
I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz
We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Oz
Just keeping things in perspective.
...
My point however is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, it's Buffy's, and she's Slay Gal, you know, Little Miss Likes-to-fight. So...
I think there was a 'yea' vote buried in there somewhere.
...
Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!
Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus, and... and, um... or -- it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it, and, um... [snaps her fingers] chase him. [everyone is silent] ...With the box.
I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz
He'll never see it coming.
So, all that other stuff in there, that's just gonna sit in there, right? I mean, no one owns it in the strictest sense.
Oz
It seems wrong somehow.
Dibs on the rowing machine.
I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. Uh, to hell with what's right. I-I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil and-and-and fight it together.
Great. Thanks. We'll get right on that.
Hey, Giles, can you get this box on top?
So, college not so scary after all, huh?
It's turning out to be a lot like high school, which I can handle. At least I know what to expect.
... so then Kathy's like, "It's share time." And I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this!"
[She punches the air.]
Oz
So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?
Oz
Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.
[about Kathy] You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer!
[She brings her foot up, around and down onto a bench, breaking it in two.]
She's... other really bad things.
Oz
On the plus side you've killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
So then, Kathy's like, "It's share time," and I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this."
[She punches the air.]
Oz
So either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Well, I didn't do either, actually, but she deserves it, don't you think?
Oz
Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.
Oh, Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind and...
Oz
Forced to wear a binding unitard?
Yeah, the itchy kind. It's perfect.
Oz
Just here to help.
Which I appreciate, but you've never come on routine patrol with me before, Oz. So, what's the deal?
Oz
It seemed more interesting than homework.
As long as it's an elective. I can handle myself alone, you know.
Oz
Not in question.
Good. So then, I go to the refrigerator, right? And ther label queen has managed to put...
Oz
Just a, just a thought, Buffy, do you think that all this ranting is scaring away potential demons?
You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer! She's... other really bad things.
Oz
On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
This isn't funny, Oz. Something has to be done.
Oz
Agreed.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
