Scenes with Xander Harris 253
You know what? I'm going. I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face!
Xander Then go! I'm not stopping you!
I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!
Xander Not just any girl. You're special.
I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here with you!
Xander I hope these are my last few moments. Three more seconds with you and I'm gonna...
"I'm gonna" what? [steps closer] Coward!
Xander Moron!
Xander I hate you!
[They kiss]
Xander ...We so need to get out of here!
[nods, frightened] Uh huh.
And you're loving playing nursemaid?
Xander So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
[about Ted] So far, all I see is someone who supposedly has a good job, and is nice and polite, and my mother really likes him.
Xander What kind of a monster is he?
Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
I just wanna learn stuff.
Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...
Xander What, a license to kill?
Well, not for fun! But she's, like, this Superman! Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Sure, in a fascist society.
Right! Why can't we have one of those?
Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.
Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt, it... it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon.
I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?
Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.
Xander So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying, and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker o' love until she dies, and then he keeps bringing her back over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
The sad part is, the real Ted must have been a genius. There were design features in that robot that predate--
Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good.
I just wanna learn stuff.
Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander Well, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
Can't we just drop the subject?
Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off. Okay. That's it. I give up. Do I have to sound an air horn everytime I walk into a room? I mean, what is it with grown-ups these days?
[Xander and Cordelia snickering]
Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander I think the word you're searching for is absent.
Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]
As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
Okay, I get it even less.
Xander You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Xander Then teach it that dreidel song.
Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.
Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.
Xander Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.
Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up! [cut to Buffy and Angel on patrol making out]
Xander Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander I resent that! Or possibly thank you.
A little of both might be appropriate.
Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
Xander Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
I know it's hard to accept at first.
Actually, it explains a lot .
I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!
Xander I know it's weird ...
Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia ! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia Club', of which you are the treasurer.
Xander Look, I was gonna tell you.
Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
Xander All right, let's over-react, shall we?
Xander Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.
No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.
Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and-and aggressive.
In other words, your typical male.
Xander On behalf of my gender, hey!
Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
Xander I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.
Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.
Xander Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
Xander Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.
Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?
Xander It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you, you're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me, but you don't, so I can't.
[angered] So you're saying this is all a game?
Xander A game? I... No!
You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?
Xander Buffy, please calm down.
I'll calm down when you explain yourself!
Get away from him. He's mine.
Oh, I don't think so. Xander, tell her.
Xander What? I, uh...
He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants.
Funny, I know what your face wants. [Buffy punches Amy hard in the face] What is this, you're two-timing me?
Goddess Hecate, work thy will...
Xander Uh-oh.
... Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
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Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
Xander
