Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Cordelia

Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants!

Xander

Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.

Xander

I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the ... fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"

Buffy

Yeah. There's just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It'll get him killed.

Willow

I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.

Xander

No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.

Willow

Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?

Buffy

I... never have.

Xander

You don't know how to kill this thing.

Buffy

I thought I might try violence.

Xander

Solid call.

Xander

Oh, no, no. No. Not cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was "I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."

Giles

Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.

Xander

I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.

Giles

[about the ghost of James] He's-he's trying to... resolve whatever issues are keeping him in limbo. What exactly those are, I'm not...

Buffy

He wants forgiveness.

Giles

Yes. I imagine he does. But when James possesses people, they act out exactly what happened that night. So he's experiencing a form of purgatory instead. I mean, he's doomed to kill his Ms. Newman over and over and over again, and... Forgiveness is impossible.

Buffy

Good. He doesn't deserve it.

Giles

To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.

Buffy

No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.

Xander

He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.

Xander

Last month he's the freak with jicama breath who waxes his back. He wins a few meets and suddenly inherits the cool gene?

Cordelia

Well, all I know is, my cheerleading squad wasted a lot of pep on losers. It's about time our school excelled at something.

Willow

Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.

Xander

We're number one!

Xander

That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.

Cordelia

Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.

Xander

And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?

Cordelia

Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.

Xander

I think that was Lincoln.

Cordelia

Disgusting mole and stupid hat.

Willow

Actually, it was Jefferson.

Cordelia

Kept slaves. Remember?

Buffy

So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?

Willow

Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.

Willow

So we're looking for a beastie.

Giles

That, uh, eats humans whole, except for the skin.

Buffy

This doesn't make any sense.

Xander

Yeah, the skin's the best part.

Buffy

Any demons with high cholesterol? [Giles looks at her] You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh!

Buffy

I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. It's not like you were exposed more than once. Twice?

Xander

Three times a Fish Guy.

Oh.

Cordelia

Whoa!

Xander

What am I gonna do?

Cordelia

You, you, you! What about me?! It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.

Xander

Black Lagoon! The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support!

Buffy

I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.

Xander

Let's see, I got to take a makeup chem test at 3:00. And then I'm meeting some of the guys for plasma transfusions at 5:00. It's turned into quite the busy afternoon.

Buffy

The fun never stops with you, does it?

Willow

Giles seems pretty confident that the treatments are gonna work.

Xander

Well, turning into a creepy-crawly wasn't on my top ten list of thing to do before I turn 20.

Cordelia

I want you to know that you've really proven yourself to me. And you don't have to join the new team next year if you don't want. I'd be just as happy if you played football.

Giles

The-the people from animal control have just left. Our creatures have apperently made a-a dash for it. Um, so to speak.

Willow

Does that mean we're gonna have to hunt them again?

Buffy

No, I don't think so. I don't think we'll be seeing them anymore.

Giles

Where do you think they'll go?

Buffy

Home.

Xander

Giles!

Giles

Xander?

Xander

[untying Giles] Can you walk?

Giles

You're not real.

Xander

Sure I'm real.

Giles

It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.

Xander

Then why would they make you see me?

Giles

Oh right. Let's go.

Willow

That's right, big boy. Come and get it.

Xander

First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?

Oz

Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?

Xander

That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having -- "Come and get it, Big Boy"?

Willow

Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!

Oz

Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.

Oz

We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?

Cordelia

What's the difference?

Oz

Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.

Xander

Well, I hate brie.

Cordelia

I know. It smells like Giles' cat.

Faith

The whole summer it was, like, the worst heatwave. So, it's about 118 degrees and I'm sleepin' without a stitch on, and all of a sudden I hear this screamin' from outside. So I go tearin' out stark nude and this church bus is broke down and there's three vamps feasting on half the Baptists in South Boston. So I waste the vamps and the preacher comes up and he's hugging me like there's no tomorrow when all of a sudden the cops pull up and they arrested us both.

Xander

Wow. They should film that story and show it every Christmas.