XanderWell, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?
Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...
Xander
Do you mind? We're talking here.
(Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves.)
Xander
So where were we?
Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander
Yeah, so why do you think that is?
I taught you to always guard your perimeter. [tuts.] You should have someone out there.
I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Yeah. Come up against this slayer yet?
She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!
Xander
[to Angel] I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
Xander
Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance.
[laughs] Why was that so scary?
Xander
Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.
Hmm. Then you are very courageous.
Xander
I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with, and... I-I do think she cared about you.
Xander
Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
She was gypped. She was just a girl, and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.
Xander
Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.
I had you to bring me back.
Xander
I'm not gonna say it.
Xander
'Cause she will.
I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly.
Xander
Like a corn dog.
Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.
Xander
Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?
Angel barely says two words to me.
Xander
Don't you hate that?
And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.
Xander
That bastard!
You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.
Xander
Yeah! (pause) Tom? Who's Tom?
Xander
Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'?
I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
Xander
I think you mean oppressed.
Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!
This isn't right, school on a Saturday. It throws off my internal clock.
Xander
When are we gonna need computers for real life, anyway?
Hmm. Let's see. There's home, school, work, games.
Xander
You know, computers are on their way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback.
Xander
Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci. [scoffs]
Alright, guys, the first thing we're gonna do is... Buffy.
Xander
Huh? Did I fall asleep already?
Aw, you miss your friends?
Xander
Sit here, Buffs. Demilitarize the zone between me and Cordelia.
Yeah, and delouse him while you're at it.
Actually, I wanted to talk to you for a second.
Xander
Is there some crisis that requires instant action, very far from here?
Well, he's all right, isn't he?
I don't know. He didn't show up when he was supposed to last night, and then, when I went over to his place, he was acting... well, very anti-Giles. He wouldn't let me in, and he looked really bad. I think he might have been... I think he was drinking.
He was home alone drinking?
Xander
Yup. Yup, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be would as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying. Were there whores?
Xander
Give it time.
So, none of you guys have noticed anything different lately?
You haven't seem anything weird?
Xander
Nope.
No, he seemed perfectly normal yesterday when I saw him talking to the police.
And you waited till now to tell us this because...?
I didn't think it was important.
Xander
We understand. It wasn't about you.
What were the police talking to him about?
Oh, don't tell me I know this one. Um... Something about, a homicide.
That's it. I'm calling him right now.
Xander
"Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
So, mark "none of the above".
Xander
Well, there are no boxes for "none of the above". That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.
I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander
That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.
Xander
I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
