[about the mausoleum] Well, this is nice. I-it's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home!
You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already? Whew, that's a relief! I'm telling you, having a secret identity in this town is a job of work.
XanderBuffy, we bail now, right?
Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge!
[The vampires close in on Buffy. She turns to Darla.]
Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way.
Are you sure? Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...
You heard about the dead guy, right? The dead guy in the locker?
'Cause it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little-little holes in his neck and all his blood's been drained. Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, "Ooh"?
Well, I wasn't. It's my first day. I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care.
To tell you that, I don't care, which I don't, and have now told you, so... bye.
Is he-- will he rise again?
[to Giles] To make you a vampire, they have to suck your blood, and then you have to suck their blood. It's like, a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you. Why am I still talking to you?
You really have no idea what's going on, do you? You think it's coincidence, your being here? That boy was just the beginning.
Why can't you people just leave me alone?
Because you are the Slayer. To each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength--
The strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of the evil, blah, blah, blah. I've heard it, okay?
I really don't understand this attitude. You-You've accepted your duty. You're slain vampires before?
Yeah, and I've both been there and done that, and I'm moving on.
What do you know about this town?
It's 2 hours on the freeway from Neiman-Marcus.
Dig a bit in the history of this place, and you'll find a-a steady stream of fairly off occurrences. I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, that things gravitate towards it that-that you might not find elsewhere.
Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real.
What, you, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?
Did you get the free phone?
Cool. Wait. Okay. First of all, I'm a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know. Why don't you kill them?
I'm a Watcher. I-I haven't the skill.
Oh, come on. Stake through the heart, a little sunlight, it's like falling off a log.
A slayer says, a watcher--
Yes, no. He... he trains her. He-he-he prepares her.
Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead. Prepare me. [sigh]
Xander
What?
Xander
This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'.
I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.
Xander
Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret.
We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't.
[Vampires are terrorizing The Bronze, including a sired Jesse McNally]
Xander
We've gotta get in there before Jesse does something stupider than usual.
Listen to me... Jesse is dead. You have to remember that when you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that killed him.
It may be that we are all that stands between the Earth and utter destruction.
Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander
Oh, yeah, that's a plan. Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
I was thinking of a more subtle approach, ya know, like excessive not studying.
[to himself as the others are walking away] The Earth is doomed.
I heard the vice principal's taking over until they can find a replacement.
Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.
Xander
Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?
Xander
I ate a pig? It was he cooked and called bacon or... oh, my God, I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck.
Well, it wasn't really you.
Xander
Well, I remember going on the field trip, and then going down to the hyena house. And next thing, some guy's holding Willow, and he's got a knife.
Xander
Hey, nobody messes with my Willow.
This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.
Xander
I didn't do anything else, did I? Around you guys? Anything embarrassing?
Come on, we're gonna be late.
Xander
Cool. Oh, hey? Going vegetarian, huh?
I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about... memory loss afterwards.
Xander
(chuckles) Did you tell them that?
Your secret dies with me.
Xander
Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.
Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?
Bad hair on top of that outfit?
To love someone who used to love you.
Well, you've been around since Columbus. You are bound to pile up a few exes. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.
[about Angel] I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there, Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for 1,000 years. But you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick, and you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die. You don't think I came alone, do you?
[chuckles] Scary. Scarier. Oh, don't worry. Bullets can't kill vampires. They can hurt them like hell, but...
Xander
Did you just hear...
So many body parts, so few bullets. [chuckles] Let's begin with the kneecaps. No fun dancing without them. [groans] Close, but no heart. [groans]
Xander
We need to distract her... fast.
Buffy, it wasn't Angel who attacked your mom, it was Darla!
Come on, Buffy. Take it like a man. [Angel stabs and kills Darla] Angel?
Xander
Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?
Xander
Much hardier cockroaches.
Nah. It's weird, though. In his way, I feel like he's still watching me.
Well, in a way he sort of is. In the way of that he's right over there.
Xander
I don't need to watch, because I'm not threatened. I'm just going to look this way.
I just wanted to see if you were okay... your mother.
[chuckles] If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed, I'll be alright. Look, this can't...
Ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're, like, 224 years older than I am.
I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.
I know. Me, too. One of us has to go here.
Xander
What's going on?
Xander
Well, as long as they're not kissing. [chuckles]
Painful. I know. See you around?
Xander
Are we over-reacting? He's in a computer, what can he do?
You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
Randomize traffic signals.
Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
Destroy the world's economy.
I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
Oh, I, uh, I haven't gone through the new arrivals. Uh, put it in-in that pile.
Oh. Thanks, Dave. Willow pile.
Uh, uh, when I've examined it, you can, uh, uh, skim it.
Scan it. Rupert, that's "scan it."
Oh, I know our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century, with three whole years to spare.
Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the, um, idiot box.
That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This is the good box.
Well, I still prefer a good book.
FFritz
The printed page is obsolete. Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive.
Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people. Fritz-Fritz comes on a little strong, but he does have a point. You know, for the last two years, more e-mail was sent than regular mail.
More digitized information went across phone lines than conversations.
Yeah, well, that is a fact that I regard with genuine horror.
I'll bet it is. All right, guys, let's wrap it up for today.
I've just got a few more. I'll hang for a bit.
Xander, you want to stay and help me?
Xander
[chuckles] Are you kidding?
Yes. It was a joke I made up.
Xander
[chuckles] Willow, I love you, but bye.
Xander
Buffy, wait up.
I-I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll, uh, I'll be back in the Middle Ages.
Xander
We going to go to the Bronze tonight, we three?
Xander
Yeah. Willow, fun? Remember fun? That thing where you smile?
Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm just thinking about...
Malcolm, Moloch, whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
It doesn't say anything about you.
I mean, I thought I was really falling...
Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.
Xander
Right. And the teacher I had a crush on: giant praying mantis.
Xander
Yeah, it's life on the Hellmouth.
Let's face it. None of us are ever going to have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander
We're doomed.
[They laugh, but it quickly stops as they look uneasy]
Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
