I can't believe it really happened.
I just had no idea. It's so creepy. He was really singing?
XanderI'd say it was more like crooning. If we grow old together, remind me to skip the midlife crisis.
Come on, you have to admit, it was kind of sexy.
Xander
Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives.
We're just lucky no one got injured. No thanks to us.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
He's right, Will. If Riley and I hadn't, gotten so wrapped up in each other, none of this would have happened.
Xander
My girlfriend, mistress of the learning plateau.
Really, it wasn't your fault. You were under the influence of powerful magicks.
We were like zombies. I had no control over myself at all.
It must have been horrible.
[amidst an argument between Buffy, Xander, and Willow]
Xander
Maybe that all changes when I'm off doin' sit-ups in Fort Dix!
Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]
[finishes laughing] Yes, quite a bit, actually.
...
You guys, stop this! What happened to you today?!
It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
[perturbed] What do you mean 'wrong?'
Well, things certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend...
Xander
No, it was back before that, since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend?!
[from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell!
Xander
And if I did join the army, I'd be great. You know why? Because they might give me a job that couldn't be done by any well-trained Border Collie.
That's it. I'm going to bed.
No, you'd do wonderful in the army. Hey, do you think the umbilibal cord between you and Anya could stretch that far?
Xander
I knew it. I knew you hated her!
Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here. I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy.
Judgmental? If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out.
Xander
Oh, and superior. Don't forget that. Just because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior.
You guys, stop this. What happened to you today?
It's not today. Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
[perturbed] Well, what do you mean, wrong?
Well, they certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.
Xander
No! It was back before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to-- Tara's your girlfriend?
[from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell.
Enough! All I know is you want to help, right? Be part of the team?
Xander
Clearly not wanted.
No! No, you said you wanted to go. So let's go, all of us. We'll walk into that cave with you two attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe. Hey! Hey, maybe that's the secret way to killing Adam!
Xander
Buffy.
Is that it? Is that how you can help? You're not answering me! How can you possibly help? So... I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One and her friends. If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on.
I do speak Sumerian, it's not that. Only an experienced witch can incant it, and you have to be within striking distance of the subject.
Xander
See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Xander
So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions!
As a matter of fact you are.
Xander
Oddly, Anya decided not to join us, despite all the fun we had at our last meeting.
And I don't think Tara felt welcome.
Why? Because of the things that we said? Will, who told you that we were talking behind your back, specifically?
Well, I... Spike, specifically, but...
And who told you that we thought you'd be better off joining the army?
Xander
That's not... exactly what he said.
Well, um, S-Spike can be very convincing when-when, uh, I'm very stupid.
He played us. He wanted us to fight to split us up. That's where it came from, the stuff we said the other night.
Of course. Well, piffle. Let's-let's move on.
Xander
I'm movin'.
So why do you think Spike made with the head games?
Xander
He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his ya-yas somehow.
I think it was more than that. I think it was Adam.
Xander
Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done... Nah, I can't even act surprised.
I just went to Adam's lair, and he was gone, but Spike just happened to be there. And he made this big noise about getting the information off those encrypted disks.
Oh, I decrypted 'em. Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.
Bunch of stuff we already knew about 314. But it also said there's some final phase where Adam manufactures a bunch of creepy cyber-demonoids like him. There's a special lab in the Initiative, but it didn't say where.
Adam fed Spike those disks. It has to be. He wanted me to know about his evil-guy assembly line. This lab, it's in the Initiative?
Well, give the demon his due. He thought this one out.
You know how overcrowded the containment cells have been at the Initiative? Those demons were just too easy to catch. It's like they wanted in that place.
Adam's gonna make sure the demons attack the Initiative from the inside.
Xander
Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre.
And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet... gross.
Xander
Does anybody else miss the Mayor, "I just want to be a big snake?"
I've got to shut him down, Giles. His final phase is about to start.
We need to warn the Initiative.
They're not gonna listen to me.
He's a deserter. He got some bad news, anyway, and kind of took off.
Xander
Okay, I'm confused again. Adam has the evil plan. Why is he so anxious for you to know about it?
He wants me there. Probably figures I'll even the kill ratio.
Xander
He's not worried you might kill, oh, say, him?
There's certainly no lack of supplies. Only wish I knew which ones would kill Adam.
According to Riley, his power sourse is a uranium core embedded somewhere inside his chest, probably near the spine?
Xander
Great. So we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery.
What about magic? Some kind of, I don't know, uranium-extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching.
Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the incantation of this.
Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?
I do speak Sumerian. It's not that. Only a-an experienced witch can incant it, and you'd have to be within striking distance of the subject.
Xander
See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
Xander
So, no problem. All we need is Combo-Buffy, her with Slayer strength, Giles' multilingual know-how, and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions.
As a matter of fact, you are.
Are you sure you'll be alright? 'Cause I can be there in the morning.
It's just a debriefing. They're not gonna make me disappear and they're not pinning anything on me. I got Graham and a lot of the guys testifying I'm the reason they're alive. I might actually got out of this with an honorable discharge.
In return for your silence, no doubt.
Oh, yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage.
It's like you're blackmailing the government. In a... patriotic way.
I'll call you when it's over.
Xander
Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.
Ooh. You pushed the button on the microwave that says popcorn?
Xander
Actually, I pushed defrost, but, um, Joyce was there in the clinch.
Well, you guys have fun tonight. It was very nice meeting you.
It was nice meeting you. Finally.
Did you notice how pointedly I said finally?
Xander
And not big with the socialization.
Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the... the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.
You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
I did, I said there could be dire consequences.
Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
I'm, uh, guessing I missed some fun.
The spirit of the First Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
Oh, you want some hot chocolate?
Xander
Yeah, please.
Xander
Yes, what, Joyce... uh, Buffy's mom.
Be my kitchen buddy again, help me carry?
Xander
Yes, sure, Buffy's mom.
Yeah. I think I might jump in the shower.
A little. The First Slayer. I never really thought about it. It was intense. I guess you guys got a taste of that, huh?
Xander
Yeah, from now on you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams, is that clear?
She's not good for the sleeping.
Uh... Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. Don't know where the hell that came from.
[Xander and Anya are playing Life with Dawn.]
Crap! Look at this. I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage...
Xander
That means you're winning.
Xander
Yes. Cash equals good.
Oh! [claps] I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?
[Xander is leaving a message on the phone.]
Xander
Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
[cut to Anya, who is doing just that.]
Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
