Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Willow

You have to help me figure this out, you know.

Xander

But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.

Willow

That's not true, sometimes we all help to save you... And-and sometimes you're not in trouble.

Xander

Hey, wait 'til you have an evil twin, see how you handle it.

Willow

I handled it fine.

Xander

I just thought you could help carry a little.

Me? [pouts] Buffy has super-strength. Why don't we just load her up, like one of those little horses?

Xander

Anya. Please.

Fine. I'm just your slave.

[to a customer who just finished her purchase] Please go.

Xander

Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."

But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?

Xander

No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Tara

You learn her source [grins] and, uh, we'll introduce her to her insect reflection.

Tara

Um, that-that was funny if you, um, studied Taglarin mythic rites... [quietly] and are a complete dork.

Riley

Oh, then how come Xander didn't laugh?

Xander

I don't know that Taglarin stuff.

Giles

You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.

Xander

Well, we don't really know what kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?

Giles

You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.

Buffy

You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. You just gotta go through me.

What?

Buffy

You heard me! You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me.

Dawn

And me!

Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls!

Dawn

You don't wanna mess with us.

Buffy

She's a hair-puller.

Giles

And you're not just dealing with two little girls.

Xander

You're dealing with all of us.

Spike

[Holds up hand] Except me.

Xander

Except Spike.

Spike

I don't care what happens.

Xander

[re: Riley's commando hand movements] What's with the hand move? D'you see that? Does that, like, mean somethin'?

Willow

It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo." [mimics pulling a train whistle]

It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.

Xander

Hey Riley! What's the [Mimics gesture] all about?

Riley

It means yell real loud, so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.

Xander

Am I right, Giles?

Giles

I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.

Hey. Hey! HEY! HEY!!!

Giles

Anya, your "heys" are startling the customers.

Xander

And pretty much the state!

You sold somebody a Kohl's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone!

Giles

Yes, I believe I did.

Are you stupid or something?

Giles

Allow me to answer that question with a firing.

Xander

She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.

Xander

Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.

Great! Thank you very much for those nightmares.

Xander

I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.

Giles

Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space... I did not just say that.

Riley

Oh, that might be toxic, don't touch it.

Xander

Oh yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily, I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.

Well, I get to run the store, right?

Giles

[alarmed] You? Ah, w-well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of.

Willow

We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.

Tara

I said "quirky."

Giles

Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.

[angrily] I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and-and bribe him with money and goods.

Xander

See there? She'll be great.

Willow

Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.

Spike

Hey, watch it, mate.

Spike

On second thought, do what you like.

Xander

So, uh, think I should run and get Buffy?

Barmaid, bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat.

Xander

I'm gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.

Spike

Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.

Buffy

Where did you send him?

The land of the trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls.

Willow

It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it.

It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.

Tara

There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.

Willow

He's probably in Troll Land.

Buffy

I only care that he's not here, and I got this nifty souvenir.

Buffy

Oops...

Xander

The place is trashed enough anyway.