Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander

Besides, look on the bright side. If we don't come up with a solution, we might face an apocalypse.

Spike

[extremely happy] Really? You're not just saying that?

Willow

It just made me feel like I was right back in high school.

Xander

Dumb jock. If it wasn't for you, he still would be.

Willow

Yeah. I mean, I know the Percy thing isn't really important. It's the dead guy on the bed.

Xander

Yeah. That's bad, too.

Willow

Ooh, and something else: he, the dead guy, was-was propped up, like whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him. So I'm thinking the whatever took a bunch of the guy's blood with him. And I haven't been a nerd for a very long time. Hello, dating a guitarist. Or, I was.

Buffy

Tell them about the symbol.

Willow

Right. Um, it was carved into his chest, like a big, creepy eye.

Xander

It's kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?

Buffy

I'm telling you, I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where. I mean, it's like...

Giles

It's the end of the world.

Again?

Giles

It's, um, the earthquake... That symbol is, um...

Buffy

I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh".

Giles

I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.

Willow

No, i-it can't be. We-we've done this already.

Giles

It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really.

Willow

So what do we do?

Buffy

I stop it.

Xander

You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.

Spike

Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [picks up radio.]

Xander

That's my radio!

Spike

And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!

Giles

It'll be dark soon. I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.

Spike

I'm not going anywhere, not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.

Xander

Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.

Spike

You think that would work?

Giles

Spike, Lord know why I'm telling you this. It's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.

Buffy

No. It's not safe for any of us.

Buffy

Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.

Xander

The... ew! I don't wanna see that.

Buffy

Retinal scan, Xander.

Xander

Make out with me.

Buffy

What?

Xander

As a way to hide. They always do that in movies.

Buffy

This is the Initiative, Xander. Military people don't make out with science people.

Xander

Maybe that's what's wrong with the world. You ever think about that?

Xander

Seems pretty quiet.

Xander

Buff, maybe you should check the look later.

Buffy

Shh!

Xander

Ow! What'd you do that for?

Buffy

Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.

Xander

The-- Ew! I don't wanna see that.

Buffy

Retinal scan, Xander. Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good.

Xander

Or if we're about to die at the hands of 50 grief-fueled military goons. Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-size microwave?

Xander

Holy moley!

Buffy

I know.

Xander

I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too? Quick, pretend to make out with me!

Buffy

What? What are you talking about?!

Xander

Well, I, uh... You know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide.

Buffy

Please. Could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other.

Xander

Well, maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?

Buffy

That would never happen.

Willow

Well no, Buff, that's why they're called cartoons, not documentaries.

Giles

Must we have the noise? My head is splitting.

Willow

Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning.

Giles

Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.

Everytime you moved, it make squeaky noises. It was irritating.

Giles

Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.

Buffy

Okay, you guys. Could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage.

Sorry.

Giles

Sorry.

Buffy

Thank you.

Willow

It'll be okay, Buffy. Riley's just confused, that's all.

Buffy

I don't know. Just seems like things could get heavier. His whole world's falling apart.

And after everything you've been through with Angel. You know, you really sould get yourself a boring boyfriend, like Xander. You can't have Xander.

Buffy

That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies, going "Tra-la-la."

Willow

Poor Buffy, your life resists all thing average.

So dump him. But you can't have Xander.

Buffy

I'll try and remember that. It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts, I smiles when he smiles" stage.

I hate that part.

Buffy

I'll just have to make it work.

Xander

Turn on the TV. Now!

Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer, and his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect, and the killer is still at large.

Buffy

The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one that Maggie insisted we bring back alive.

Giles

She must have sent it after you.

Buffy

And it got distracted. God.

Willow

Buffy, it's not your fault. How could you know?

Giles

She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.

Buffy

I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. [uncomfortable pause] That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

Xander

Spike.

Giles

What are you doing here?

Spike

Me? Hey, I'm not the one out of place here.

Xander

For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue slayer on our hands. Real psycho killer, too.

Spike

Sounds serious.

Giles

It is. What do you know?

Spike

What do you need?

Xander

Her, dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.

Giles

Have you seen her?

Spike

Is this bird after you?

Xander

In a bad way. Yeah.

Spike

Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you. [sees the surprised looks on Giles and Xanders faces and sighs] Can any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.

Xander

Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her.

Spike

Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. I like this girl already.

Xander

[to Giles] We're dumb.

Riley

These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or... learn to excrete gold coins.

That one's not so much fun.

Willow

They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.

Xander

Right, you can't just go librum incendere and expect --

Giles

Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

Xander

Buffy and Riley are trapped.

So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?

Xander

Anya, look around: there's ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?

Spike

I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks off.] I wonder if Asian House is open.

Oh.

Willow

Wow.

Xander

Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out.

Tara

Does he do this a lot?

Xander

[sarcastic.] Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

Willow

Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.

Tara

Well, he is pretty good.

His voice is... pleasant.

Xander

[incredulous.] What?!

Willow

Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.

Xander

I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire, please.

Giles

When you called to Buffy and Riley didn't cry out or respond in any way.

No, they're probably dead.

Xander

Unless they're too busy doing it to answer.

Giles

Doing what?

Xander

You know, for a god of acoustic rock you're... kind of naive.

Giles

I didn't think you meant... In the midst of all that? Do you really think they were keeping it up?

Giles

Oh, for different phrasing.

Giles

I believe we're dealing with a kind of poltergeist. A whole cluster of them, in fact, born out of intense adolescent emotion and sexual energy.

Both of which were totally pent up during Mrs. Holt's reign of repression.

Xander

So with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness 'round the clock lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm.