Shirley quotes from Boston Legal

Shirley

[threatening] Your resume intact?

Alan

Shirley, you're being retaliatory; it becomes you.

Shirley

Five seconds?

Alan

He cheated. You can't squat on the head.

Shirley

Five seconds?

Alan

Four, actually.

Alan

Admit it Shirley, you're drawn to me like Eve to the Serpent. Take me home and help me stretch my coil.

Shirley

Has that line actually worked?

Alan

It's working now.

Shirley

Because this case is disgusting, it's distasteful, it's repugnant...

Alan

Everything I stand for.

Shirley

I'll drive.

Alan

Shirley, is this about getting in a room with me?

Shirley

[sarcastically] Yes, Alan, I went out and recruited a cannibal just to get close to you.

Shirley

Are you okay?

It's just that ever since Daniel died, I... All I can think about is...

Shirley

Yeah.

Sex. [Shirley looks startled] I walk down the street anything I pass in pants...I wanna have sex!

Shirley

Oh.

I'm not kidding, Shirley. I wanna screw anybody and everybody. Denny Crane is looking good to me right now.

Shirley

You do realize that I am significantly older than you are.

Jeffrey

Then be my significantly older other.

Shirley

I am a senior partner here.

Jeffrey

You say that like it can get you laid. It can.

[on TV] It takes more than a stiff whack on the head to keep me down, folks. Trust me, I get hit harder during sex. I'm only sorry this creepo didn't have at me with a shovel during sweeps.

Lincoln

[turns the TV off] I knew I should've plunked her a second time! I just knew it!

Shirley

Are you telling me you're the one who assaulted her?

Lincoln

I say that in confidence, of course.

Lincoln

From the first moment I saw you, do you know what I wanted to do?

Shirley

Pave my driveway?

Lincoln

I wanted to suck on your right earlobe. I'm sure people tell you you have soft, supple lobes.

Shirley

It gets old.

Lincoln

Is mocking me really an exercise of your most sound judgment, Shirley? After all, I do have in my possession a loaded firearm.

Shirley

Let alone a ukulele.

Alan

What's my motivation?

Shirley

Excuse me?

Alan

My character's motivation. Surely you can't expect me to simply jump in and take this case!

Alan

What's my motivation?

Shirley

I beg your pardon?

Alan

My character's motivation. I can't just jump cold into a case, Shirley, I need... incentive.

Denny

I'll let you play with my gun.

Shirley

Your gun goes off too prematurely for me, Denny. It always has.

First of all, I will say, for the record, I don't believe in all that moisturizer, botox, fountain of youth poopycock!

Shirley

Oh please, Judge, how else could you look like you do at a hundred?

Denny

It's gonna get ugly, Shirley.

Shirley

Denny Crane ugly.

Denny

Hmm-mm.

Shirley

Denny, there's no such thing as "sounding black".

Denny

What do you mean?

Shirley

Certainly you don't think all black people sound alike.

Denny

Well, of course not. Anchors on the news don't sound black at all, and the black weathermen sound whiter than me.

Shirley

It's politically incorrect to say somebody sounds black.

Denny

All right, then "African-American".

Shirley

No.

Denny

"Jesse Jackson-ish"?

Shirley

No!

Denny

Well then, how? What do you say? If a person sounds black, what's the right way to say it?

Shirley

[uncomfortably] ... "Urban".

Denny

White people don't live in cities?