Boston Legal · Season 3, Episode 3
“Desperately Seeking Shirley” · Season 3, Episode 3
In this episode: Denny Crane (6), Alan Shore (6), Shirley (6), Bethany (4), Claire (3), Ivan (3), Jeffrey (2), Denise (1)
Shirley, the truth is I only took this case to be in court with you. I enjoy your company. So, if I can't join you on cases, I'll just have to oppose you. Or I could just oppose you right now against the wall. That would certainly make me happy.
Bethany, Brad'll be your point-man here, if you need anything go to him. If you're not satisfied... you come to me.
Your Honor, Mr. Tiggs has a history of ruining women's lives. There's one out there right now. It's going to take her years to get over this.
No, she'll get over me, she's like a goldfish. She has a three second memory.
In my chambers.
[Alan gets up]
Just Ms. Schmidt and Mr. Tiggs.
Couldn't I come and just watch?
[glaring at Alan menacingly] No.
One meeting.
In these offices. I'll call it even.
Not quite. One condition. Take off your clothes.
What!
Oh come on. That was the initial plan. We hit it off, eventually we get together, naked. Take off your clothes. Let me see that little package.
You are the most disgusting, vulgar human being I have ever met.
You're right... Just the top then?
A meeting? Would I have to talk?
You're much more impressive when you don't.
Mr. Tiggs did satisfy you didn't he?
I'm under oath. It wasn't his best work.
[About Judge Hooper]
You sure it was the husband?
I am. He drives some sort of little white convertible in an attempt, I suppose, to seem interesting, which he's not. Not at all. He's a nasty little man. He made her get that restraining order against me. He made her do it.
Well, you are a Peeping Tom.
She liked that. She liked that I looked. I was a benign peepy.
[about Bethany suing Denny] What do you mean she won't drop it?
She's hurt. My advice is if really want this to go away, you have to apologize and this time make it heartfelt.
Do you do that?
Never.
You two spoke over the Internet for two weeks, divulging personal intimate details. You leave out the fact that you're under three feet tall. Do you think that's honest?
Look at him. Did I get Mel Gibson?
[Denny makes a pose]
Maybe I did.
Okay, before we start, I want it on the record that I am very uncomfortable deposing a dwarf.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means I'm uncomfortable. I don't need any victims rights groups picketing outside my condo. Not to mention the fact you obviously have deep psychological issues to accept any date with a seventy-two year old man, let alone...
[stares at Denny]
Him.
Shirley, Paul. I believe you've met my attorney. Alan Shore.
How do you do?
What's going on?
I've told Alan my story and he agreed to help me.
That's ridicules.
[raising his hand] I'm a fan of ridicules.
You want a war? You get a war.
You fat old man.
Bring it on, small fry!
[to Ivan] What I can tell you is, there is no back door. That post-nup is as tight as your soon to be sixth ex-wife's tushy.
[about his wife, Missy] God, I hate her.
Oh boy.
I tried this time. I want to love her. No, I do love her. She's just too much. Too much singing, too much sex. I'm not a young man anymore. And, well, there's the fact that she's stupid.
Let me tell you something right now. If you start to intimidate my witnesses...
Why yours? Do you have dibs?
Is this the way you wanna play it? Fine.
Doesn't seem we can settle this with words. Maybe we should fight.
[Judge Hooper and Jonathan stare at him]
Why does everyone in Boston just stare at me?
[about Gracie Jane]
My God, we need to gag this woman.
I did once. Best sexual experience of my life.
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