Shirley quotes from Boston Legal

Denny Crane

Thank you, Brad, for telling me that. It couldn't have been easy. You're fired.

He fired me. I'm a partner! He fired me.

Shirley

Brad. The review committee will take care of this. He can't just fire you without consulting the partners!

Of course he can. He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone.

Denny Crane

That may be, but still...

Shirley

So help me, if you say “It's still your name on the door”, I will shoot you with one of your own guns.

Shirley

Denny. You cheated on your wife at your own wedding reception in what has become some sort of cloakroom fetish-that is a new low, even for you.

Denny Crane

Yeah. It is, isn't it?

Shirley

You slept with him!

Did not!

Shirley

You slept with him!

Did not!

Shirley

You slept with him!

Well, maybe a little bit.

Denny

Does that mean you're back on the market?

Shirley

Denny, as far you're concerned I'm always on the market.

Denny

We know we don't deserve Shirley Schmidt. Just the possibility is enough to sustain us.

Shirley

You are a dear, sweet man. And I have something else that might sustain you. [whispers into his ear] Denny Crane.

Ivan

So basically if I screw around she gets my life.

Shirley

Not your whole life, just the parts you love.

Ivan

I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic.

Shirley

Missy came to my office today.

Ivan

Aw. So just the wine and cheese.

Did you see the calorie count? Were you able to perform basic math?

I was addicted, Thin Mint!

Shirley

All right...

Let the record reflect that he called me FOOD - a cookie, no less.

Denny

Shirley, this is a sweeps episode.

Shirley

I'm not kissing you.

Alan

Shirley, as lovely as the new case you sent me is and she is delightful. I just had Jerry Espenson last week, I need a break from this sort of thing.

Shirley

I'll get the new girl to help, she knows employment law.

Alan

You can't just assign me cases and girls. Girls, maybe.

I want to know when I'm going to be made partner?

Shirley

When you're good enough.

Shirley

Your Honor, Mr. Tiggs has a history of ruining women's lives. There's one out there right now. It's going to take her years to get over this.

Ivan

No, she'll get over me, she's like a goldfish. She has a three second memory.

Alan

Mr. Tiggs did satisfy you didn't he?

Shirley

I'm under oath. It wasn't his best work.

Ivan

Shirley, Paul. I believe you've met my attorney. Alan Shore.

Alan

How do you do?

Shirley

What's going on?

Ivan

I've told Alan my story and he agreed to help me.

Shirley

That's ridicules.

Alan

[raising his hand] I'm a fan of ridicules.

Ivan

[about his wife, Missy] God, I hate her.

Shirley

Oh boy.

Ivan

I tried this time. I want to love her. No, I do love her. She's just too much. Too much singing, too much sex. I'm not a young man anymore. And, well, there's the fact that she's stupid.