Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Alan

Alan Shore, it's a pleasure. [extends hand to shake Shirley's hand after using the restroom]

Surely you intend to wash that.

Alan

I keep an extremely clean penis.

Catherine

Alan! Hello!

Alan

Mrs. Piper?

Catherine

You remember! Ha, ha. Oh, I always say, "Shake a man's hand with dog poop on your glove, he'll remember you for life."

Alan

Shirley? [sighs] What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me...lusting, say, after you? Would there?

Shirley

Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.

Alan, she said she was gonna call the police. She said what she heard would not be hearsay. She looked it up, she said because we were arguing, it would-it would qualify as an excited blutterance. Suddenly the skillet was in my hand and I swung.

Alan

Blutterance isn't even a real word. Much less a defense. You murdered somebody over a fake word.

Alan

Why does Shirley get to skip the staff meetings?

Paul

She's got a trial in New York later this week, so she has a busy day.

Some of us have trials today, so if you don't mind, I'd like to cut out.

Lori

What's your case about, Brad?

Alan

What is it about?

It involves interference with contractual relations.

Alan

You mean...lesbians?

Paul

Where are you?

Today, they're calling Tracy to testify that her ex-lover was-

Alan

Lesbian ex-lover.

-to testify that Tracy was scamming her for money. Tracy was in fact not an actual bone-fide...

Alan

Lesbian?

You like saying it?

Alan

I do.

Say it again.

Alan

Lesbian.

Keep going.

Alan

LESBIAN! LESBIAN! Lez-bee-un. All together now!

Lesbian!

Alan

I also like to watch. How many people like to-

Paul

All right, that's enough, this is a staff meeting. I'll ask you all to conduct yourselves appropriately and professionally.

Catherine

Cookies everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.

Paul

Who is this woman?

Catherine

Take two, Tara, you're a rail.

Alan

Hey Brad! All together now!

Lesbian!

Alan

Shirley?

Shirley

Alan?

Alan

You're in the men's room again.

Shirley

I need a favor.

Alan

Certainly. My stall or yours?

Alan

When a man turns 40, he begins to take measure of himself. I must admit I don't like what I see.

Tara

You're turning 43.

Alan

If you don't mind, I'm trying to appear vulnerable to facilitate my snorkeling up your thighbone later.

Tara

Alan? You boyfriend. Me girlfriend. You have a season's pass.

Alan

You're ruining the conquest part, which is all it's really about for me.

Alan

the though of giving representation to that thug...

Denny

come on, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate - it allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

Lori

And what exactly is your defense?

Alan

Something like let him go even though he did it.

Lori

Jury nullification?

Alan

Best I can tell, though Shirley hasn't really filled me in.

Shirley

Talking about me?

Alan

Yes Shirley. If you so enjoy keeping me in the dark, you really should give me a try…in the dark.

Alan

First of all, the idea of giving representation to that thug…

Denny

Alan, c'mon, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate, allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

No cell phones allowed in here. How'd you get by with that?

Alan

I told the guard we're waiting for a last minute call from your conscience. Collect.

Chelina

Hey! Pretty boy. How'd you like to go to Texas?

Alan

I'd love to. I haven't had my shots.

Alan

[talking about Bernard] He seems to take particular delight in all of this. Does he not, Catherine?

Catherine

We all do. It's fun to see pretty people fall.

Alan

Your little boyfriend is twisted. Trust me when I tell you, he's not finished killing.

Mr. Shore, This, this woman is trying to manipulate this process. I will not be manipulated.

Denny

(Whispered To Alan) Mad Cow!

Silence! (To Alan) She likely fired her last attorney because she told him she did it, and he couldn't have put her on the stand to lie, so she was forced to retain new counsel, thereby keeping them in the dark. And now we have you, (to Denny) and you.

Denny

Well, if this woman wishes to manipulate me in the dark, then...

Alan

Denny...

Denny

(Whispered To Alan) The eye!

Alan

I can see you're aroused. You might consider the last man to make love to her died while doing so.

Denny

I'll take my chances.