Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Denny

My God, you're even more striking in person.

Who is this man? And why is his face about to explode?

Alan

Kelly Nolan, this is Denny Crane. Success has caused his head to swell.

Denny

Is the show over already? You look beaten.

Alan

I just caught Tara laughing with another man.

Denny

Are you sure they weren't just...kissing or something?

Denny

You're one of those environmental lawyers?

Is there something wrong with that?

Denny

They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something - I came out here to enjoy nature. Don't talk to me about the environment.

Alan

All reality, none of it scripted.

Alan

God likes to fish?

Denny

We need to go to the woods and touch ourselves...get in touch with ourselves.

Alan

Mindful that abroad, people expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words...

Denny

Denny Crane, eh.

Alan

They call them cling-ons.

Denny

Did you says Klingons?

Denny

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!

Alan

I don't know!

Denny

What do you mean you don't know?!

Alan

I...got scared! I thought I heard a bear outside!

Alan

Catherine, may I ask why would you seek to befriend this man?

Catherine

Well, I felt at his core he wasn't evil. I also thought I could help him by introducing him to Jesus Christ, our Savior.

Alan

Was he open to that?

Catherine

Not terribly. He thought it would make him look like a bad Jew.

Denny

I heard about Tara. I feel you're hurt.

Alan

What's most upsetting, Denny, is I don't hurt.

Denny

So I don't have to hug ya and tell ya I'm there for ya and all that crap.

Alan

We can skip it.

Denny

I actually begin my dates by putting cash right on the table.

Alan

And that works?

Denny

With the hookers.

Denny

Don't talk about the environment. It's too political and half the people are against you.

Alan

Half the people are against the environment?

Denny

Drop the case, do it now... I'm directing you. Drop it.

Alan

No.

Alan

What are you thinking about? It's not a trick question.

Denny

Can't I have a solitary, pensive moment? Keep a thought to myself?

Alan

Ha, ha... You forgot what you were thinking.

Denny

I prefer to be alone. Please leave.

Alan

Why?

Denny

No reason.

Alan

If you were to guess at a reason?

Denny

If I were to guess, I'd say maybe I don't want to socialize with a pinko liberal Democrat commie.

Alan

Ahh.

Denny

Alan, I've loved you like a...

Alan

Sister?

Denny

We're Americans. And to be critical in a time of war...even the Democrats are smart enough to keep their mouths shut on this.