Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

I outrank you.

Alan

And I'm such a slut for authority.

Alan

You two have had sex!

We're not territorial about that sort of thing, are we?

She's earned this, Mr. Shore.

Alan

I have no doubt. But you realize producers do have discretion in the art of casting - strikes me as a very inexact science.

Alan

Christine, you were in love with a man who was unworthy of you, who made you doubt everything you had a right to count on, who perhaps even toyed with your sanity.

That's still no reason to kill him.

Alan

Perhaps he had it coming.

Perhaps you did.

What could I possibly say in my closing? I've got nothing.

Alan

Rabbit.

I'm sorry?

Alan

Pull a rabbit out from under your dress.

Feel free to mock me all you want, but don't you dare ridicule our troops.

Alan

Just so I'm clear, I should feel free to mock you.

Alan

One last proposal that's entirely possible. I'm kidding by the way, depending upon your reaction-300,000 sealed, we kick back fifty to you under the table.

Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.

Alan

Really? Gosh, I am.

I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney.

Alan

Well, if that's how you feel, then I was kidding.

Alan

So, shall we?

Tara

We shall. Do you have Morgan's address?

Alan

I do, but what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night?

Tara

In front of my building with you peeing in the planter?

Alan

I was about to burst. You should've let me come up.

Tara

That plant needed watering.

Alan

Feels good, doesn't it?

What feels good?

Alan

Having sex with the candidate. What if he wins? I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins. [sighs] I'm jealous.

Judge Brown

I don't like this. Your office gets behind, so you just let criminals walk?

Alan

It's reassuring to see that you haven't formed any conclusions about my client's guilt or innocence.

Judge Brown

You know what my mother says? “If it smells funny, I'm not eating it.”

Alan

Exact opposite of my motto.

Alan

What's your specialty?

Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce, I've been working with him alone.

Alan

So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?

You want children to sit in the lap of a ho-mo-sexual?

Alan

Technically Judge I think Homosexual is just one word.

[bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...

Alan

And subtle!

[to Sharpton] Who the hell are you?

[continues without pause] ...The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!

Alan

[whispers] Gay, not black.

The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?

Who is this man?

[continuing] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!

Alan

And cut!

Paul

Denny will ask the questions. If you [Alan] attempt to ask the witness anything at all, you will be fired.

Alan

There's a legal term for this...ah yes, "ooooo"

You Alan Shore?

Alan

Not if you're a process server