BaldrickHa-aaa-aaaa-ha!
[All turn to Percy expectantly. He is sulking.]
Not joining us in the ha-has, Percy?
[despondant] No. I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.
Oh God, I didn't know you had a girl.
Oh yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.
Caroline? I didn't know you knew her.
Oh yes. I even touched her once.
I've never heard it called that before. Still, when you get home in six months, you'll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.
[hysterical] Because we'll never get home! We're doomed! Doomed! Condemned to a watery grave by a legless captain!
Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!
No, I mean you haven't got any legs.
Oh yes. You're right there. Carry on. Sorry.
[despondant] Oh, God. We've no hope. No hope of ever returning.
On the contrary, we are certain to return.
Because, me old salts, we are not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all.
PBPercy, Baldrick and Captain Rum
[shocked] What?!
We are, in fact, going to France.
PBPercy, Baldrick and Captain Rum
[shocked] France?!
Oh, but, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered. By the French, for a start.
Well, precisely, it's a trick! We just camp down in the Dordogne for six months, get a good suntan, come home, pretend we've been 'round the Cape and get all the glory.
A masterly plan, me young master! And one that leads me to make an announcement meself.
Truth is...I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.
Well, what were you going to do?
Oh, what I usually do - sail 'round and 'round the Isle of Wight 'til everyone gets dizzy, then sail for home.
You old rascal! Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. [gets to his feet and raises his mug] Captain, set sail for France!
PBPercy, Baldrick and Captain Rum
Hooray!
[The day after the day after tomorrow...]
[slowly] So you don't know the way to France either.
No! I must confess that too.
[After two and a half years at sea, Blackadder returns to England]
[bows] Lord Percy, Ma'am.
Baldrick
[bows] Your Majesty.
But where is Captain Rum?
Ah, bad news, Milady, Rum is dead.
[Nursie wails in grief]
Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.
And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
You mean they put him in the pot?!
Yes, your fiancé was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course. [Nursie starts crying again] However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento. [hands Nursie Captain Rum's beard]
Oh, my lucky stars! I shall wear it always to remind me of him. [puts the beard on]
Baldrick, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine.
MMolly
I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable, actually, Baldrick. Most girls would charge an extra sixpence for all the 'orrid things he wants-
Yes, yes, alright. Baldrick, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute. Molly, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now may I get some sleep?
Baldrick
What about this priest?
Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here, and that if he comes begging again, I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns babies during Christenings and then eats them in the vestry afterwards.
Baldrick
Very good, my lord.
MMolly
[flirty] Bye, Baldrick.
Baldrick
[bashful] Buh-bye, Molly.
[to Baldrick] For God's sake, get out! [to Molly] Well, you're the one, aren't you? When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like "Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets", you don't say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering.
MMolly
He treated me like a human being.
Look, if I had wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
Do not despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance. By lucky hap, it is just over a thousand, and has, for years, been hidden, beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock....
PBPercy and Blackadder
...under the squeaky floorboard...
PBPercy, Blackadder and Baldrick
...behind the kitchen dresser.
[uneasily] You've seen it?
Seen it, pinched it, spent it! Same goes for those two farthings Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.
Baldrick
Oh, bloody hell!
Then you are doomed. Alas. For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet and tell sad stories.
Certainly not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about!
Baldrick
You won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.
That's true. Still, I've got eighty-five quid and that's a start. I'm sure I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed...
MMessenger
[enters] My lord, the Queen does demand your urgent presence, on pain of death.
Oh, damn, the path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!
[After the Queen's latest practical joke, Edmund returns to his house to find it filled with smoke]
My God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?!
[comes out of the den, frazzled and slightly burnt] My lord! Success!
[leads Edmund into the den, where alchemical apparatus has been arranged on the table, with Baldrick pumping the bellows] After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold! Pure gold!
[Edmund and Baldrick look at the main pot as Percy opens it, revealing its contents and bathing the room in its light]
Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's called "gold". What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some "green".
[amazed; takes the green out of the pot and holds it reverently in his hands] Oh, Edmund, can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?
Indeed you do, Percy. Except it's not really a nugget, but more of a splat.
Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows, or dares to dream!
So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will?
Thus so. [aside] Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you, Percy?
That you, Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter berk. Baldrick, pack my bags. I'm gonna sell the house.
BPBaldrick and Percy
[shocked] What?!
There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out, but needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.
Right, Balders, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away.
Baldrick
Why, my lord?
Well, to avoid these monks!
Baldrick
No point. The Black Bank's got branches everywhere.
Oh no! [slumps to the floor] If I die, Baldrick, do you think people would remember me?
Baldrick
Yeah, 'course they would.
Baldrick
Yeah, people would always be slapping each other on the shoulder and laughing and saying "Do you remember Old Privy-Breath?".
Do people call me "Privy-Breath"?
Baldrick
Yeah. The ones who like you.
Baldrick
Um...well, put it this way - when people step in what dogs leave in the street, they do tend to say "Whoops, I've trod on a Blackadder".
[having a plan] The bloody cheek! I'll show them!
Baldrick
Have you got a plan, my lord?
Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait-painter in England!
Baldrick
I'll get them right away, my lord!
Baldrick, why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?
Baldrick
To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
Baldrick
Not yet, my lord.
That's hardly surprising. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom. The only sort of mouse you're likely to catch is one without a nose.
Baldrick
That's a pity, 'cause the nose is the best bit on a mouse.
Any bit of mouse would be luxury compared to what Percy and I must eat tonight. We are entertaining Puritan vegetable folk, Balders. And that means no meat.
Baldrick
In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.
Baldrick
There's nothing else in it except the turnip.
So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be a turnip?
Baldrick
[in realisation] Oh yeah.
Get the door, Baldrick. [there is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door] Baldrick, I advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good.
Baldrick
You said "Get the door."
Not good enough. You're fired.
Baldrick
But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
So has syphilis. Now get out.
Baldrick
Alright, sir. Oh, by the way, there was a messenger at the door. Says the Queen wants to see you right away. Lord Melchett is very sick.
Baldrick
Yeah, he's at death's door.
[brightens] Well, my reinstated faithful old family retainer, let's go and open it for him!
The sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four-year old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.
[thinks and writes] Cardinal Wolsey...
Baldrick! [Baldrick enters, now with a mouse tied to the end of his nose] Why?
Baldrick
I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat for variety.
Right, now let's make this absolutely clear: we are having two parties here tonight.
BPBaldrick and Percy
Right.
And they must be kept completely separate.
BPBaldrick and Percy
Right.
Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.
Baldrick
Oh, thank you very much, my lord.
Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?
Baldrick
[cracking up] Yes it is, my lord.
[cracking up] Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as a thingy!
Baldrick
[cracking up] A great big thingy! It was teriffic!
Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not make them unusually sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this 'hilarious' item?
BPBaldrick and Percy
Yes.
Good, because there's nothing more like to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.
Oh, absolutely, Edmund. [cracking up] But it was jolly funny!
Baldrick
I found it particularly ironic, my lord, 'cause I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip.
[annoyed] What fun. Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition tonight with Lord Melchett and ten thousand florins are at stake!
Baldrick
Oh dear.
Baldrick
Well, firstly, you haven't got ten thousand florins, and thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and sing that song about the goblin.
Nonsense. But just in case it's true-
Baldrick
It is true-
Yes, alright, it's true! So the plan is, when I call for my 'incredibly strong ale', you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Got that?
Baldrick
Yeah, when you call for ale, I pass water.
Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.
Oh, I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman.
Oh, God. [hears a knock at the door] Right, here goes.
Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you again. [kisses her cheeks]
[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child, don't lie! Everyone hates us, and you know it!
Er, yes. Uh, may I introduce my friend, Lord Percy.
Well, well, well, Eddie. You didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like, and I like what I see.
[slaps him on the cheek] Begone, Satan!
Yes, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say "inheritance"? I meant "journey". [enters his room] If you'd just like to help yourselves to a legacy, uh, a chair.
Chair?! You have chairs in your house?!
[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike.
I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance.
[sits down] We shall suffer comfort this once. We'll just have to stick forks in our legs between courses. I trust you remember we eat no meat?
Heaven forbid! Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip, mashed.
[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub! For Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape! I shall have my turnip as God intended.
Baldrick
My lord?
Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please.
Baldrick
But we've only got the-
Just do it. [to Lord Whiteadder] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip as God intended?
He will not answer you. He has taken a vow of silence. I believe that silence is golden.
Welcome, Edmund. Did you...miss me?
I certainly did. Many is the time I said to myself "I wish Percy was here..."
"...being tortured instead of me."
[still ecstatic] Oh, we have missed your wit!
Baldrick
Did you miss me, my lord?
Baldrick
That's right.
And me? Did you miss me, Edmund?
Madame, life without you was like a broken pencil.
[She smiles]
[First lines]
Well, Mrs. Miggins, at last we can return to sanity. The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end. After the chaos of a general election, we can return to normal.
Has there been a general election, Mr. Blackadder?
Indeed there has, Mrs. Miggins.
Of course you didn't. You're not eligible to vote.
Because virtually no one is - women...peasants... [gestures to Baldrick] Chimpanzees...lunatics...lords.
Baldrick
That's not true - Lord Nelson's got a vote.
He's got a boat, Baldrick. Marvelous thing, democracy. Look at Manchester - population: sixty-thousand, electoral roll: three.
I may have a brain the size of a sultana...
...But it hardly seems fair to me.
Of course it's not fair, and a damn good thing too - give the like of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting with druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner.
Baldrick
I'm having dung for dinner tonight.
So, who are they electing when they have these elections?
Oh, the same old shower. Fat Tory landowners who get made MPs when they reach a certain weight. Raving revolutionaries who think just because they do a day's work that somehow gives them the right to get paid. Basically, it's a right old mess: toffs at the top, plebs at the bottom and me in the middle making a fat pile of cash out of both of them.
You'd better watch out, Mr. Blackadder - things are bound to change.
Not while Pitt the Elder's Prime Minister, they aren't. He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house. As long as his feet are warm and he gets a nice cup of milky tea in the sun before his morning nap, he doesn't bother anyone until his potty needs emptying.
Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. "Name"?
BBBlackadder and Baldrick
Baldrick.
Baldrick
I'm not sure.
Baldrick
Well, it might be Sodoff.
Baldrick
Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello, my name's Baldrick", and they'd say "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick".
...All right, right, right, right. "Mr. S. Baldrick". Now then, "Distinguishing features"...None.
Baldrick
Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
That's your nose, Baldrick. "Any history of insanity in the family?" I'll cross out the "in". [does this act] "Any history of sanity in the family?" ...None whatsoever. "Criminal record?"
Baldrick
Absolutely not.
Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put "Fraud and sexual deviancy". Now, "Minimum bribe level?"
Baldrick
One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?
Baldrick
Uh, no.
So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?
Baldrick
[grins] I'd get a little turnip of my own.
So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?
Baldrick
Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.
Blackadder · 193 quotes
