AaaaAAA-ha!
Ha-a-a-ha!
Ha-aaa-aaaa-ha!
[All turn to Percy expectantly. He is sulking.]
Not joining us in the ha-has, Percy?
[despondant] No. I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.
Oh God, I didn't know you had a girl.
Oh yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.
Caroline? I didn't know you knew her.
Oh yes. I even touched her once.
Touched her what?
No, once, in a corridor.
I've never heard it called that before. Still, when you get home in six months, you'll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.
I fear not.
Why not?
[hysterical] Because we'll never get home! We're doomed! Doomed! Condemned to a watery grave by a legless captain!
Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!
No, I mean you haven't got any legs.
Oh yes. You're right there. Carry on. Sorry.
[despondant] Oh, God. We've no hope. No hope of ever returning.
On the contrary, we are certain to return.
Why?
Because, me old salts, we are not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all.
[shocked] What?!
We are, in fact, going to France.
[shocked] France?!
Oh, but, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered. By the French, for a start.
Well, precisely, it's a trick! We just camp down in the Dordogne for six months, get a good suntan, come home, pretend we've been 'round the Cape and get all the glory.
Hooray!
A masterly plan, me young master! And one that leads me to make an announcement meself.
What's that, Rum?
Truth is...I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.
Well, what were you going to do?
Oh, what I usually do - sail 'round and 'round the Isle of Wight 'til everyone gets dizzy, then sail for home.
You old rascal! Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. [gets to his feet and raises his mug] Captain, set sail for France!
Hooray!
[The day after the day after tomorrow...]
[slowly] So you don't know the way to France either.
No! I must confess that too.
Bugger.
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