Right, now let's make this absolutely clear: we are having two parties here tonight.
Right.
And they must be kept completely separate.
Right.
Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.
Oh, thank you very much, my lord.
Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?
[cracking up] Yes it is, my lord.
And what is so funny?
[cracking up] Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as a thingy!
[deadpan] A thingy?
[cracking up] A great big thingy! It was teriffic!
Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not make them unusually sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this 'hilarious' item?
Yes.
Good, because there's nothing more like to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.
Oh, absolutely, Edmund. [cracking up] But it was jolly funny!
I found it particularly ironic, my lord, 'cause I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip.
[annoyed] What fun. Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition tonight with Lord Melchett and ten thousand florins are at stake!
Oh dear.
What do you mean?
Well, firstly, you haven't got ten thousand florins, and thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and sing that song about the goblin.
Nonsense. But just in case it's true-
It is true-
Yes, alright, it's true! So the plan is, when I call for my 'incredibly strong ale', you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Got that?
Yeah, when you call for ale, I pass water.
Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.
Oh, I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman.
Oh, God. [hears a knock at the door] Right, here goes.
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