Baldrick quotes from Blackadder

Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman!

Percy

Yes, I know, but it’s only for a couple of days, isn't it...

Ah yes, that's true. Come on, hurry up, Father!

Er, yes, very well. Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to bear witness, at very short notice... [Tally giggles] ...to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians: er, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, and, er, Tally Applebottom. [Tally giggles again] Is that right?

Yes, that's right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally! [laughs]

Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?

Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

No, I'm a bowl of soup! [Tally laughs] Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up...

And are you Miss Tally Applebottom?

Mrs.

Er, Mrs.- [realizes] Ah...

Ah... [looks at Percy]

Percy

Ah...

[stammers a bit] Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!

Yes, but surely if she's–

Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn't just a bit adaptable!

No.

Baldrick

No.

Percy

No.

No.

No.

[angrily] Yes!

Ah... [a bit confused] And, er, you are...?

Mr. Applebottom.

Then you are the father of the bride...

No, I'm the husband of the...bride.

Oh, this is my husband, Thomas. Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh. Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. Thomas, this is Father O'–

...Smith! I called about the ducking-stool you found. [quickly begins to gather up his things]

[backs round and round as Thomas approaches him; Percy and Baldrick hide behind him] Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. I only need her for a very short stint...

Get out!!!

Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!

Get out of here!!!

[shocked at her husband's behavior] That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!

No, that'll be the Earl of Doncaster.

I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this, the most depressing night of my life.

Baldrick

Well, my lord, at least you can take solace in one thing.

What's that?

Baldrick

We're pretty sure your wife's a virgin.

At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you've still got to be a virgin. [suddenly, an idea forms in Edmund's head and he looks at Percy]

Percy

What, my lord? [realizing Edmund is grinning, and begins to understand] Oh!

Baldrick

[chuckles nervously] Oh no. [understanding] No. [horrified] No!

Yes! Yes! YES!

Baldrick

Please, my lord, I beg you to reconsider.

Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it.

Baldrick

But I'll die in there.

Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral; bury you at sea; say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. That's it. There we are. Go on, in you go. [pats him on the head] Little boy with big job to do...Come on, Percy, let's get the King.

Baldrick

Infanta...Infanta...

Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio!

Oh Edmund, my love!

Ohh!!!

My lord, Your Majesty.

King Richard IV

What?

I bring the gravest of news.

King Richard IV

What? Have our armies at the Rhine been slaughtered to a man, had their heads cut off and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner?

Um, no, my lord.

[back in the dark room] No te reprimas, por favor, pequeña.

Don't hold back, please, my little one.

King Richard IV

[back in the map room] Then is it news of the Russian royal family, mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing, hunted down, chopped to pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?

Um, no, my lord.

[back in the dark bedroom] Ooohhhhh!!!!

Securo!

King Richard IV

[back in the map room] Well, what then?

[acting distraught] My lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.

[back in the dark room] Oooooaaahh...

King Richard IV

[back in the map room] Oh, yes, I know that.

[back in the dark room] Mas...

King Richard IV

[back in the map room] Her uncle told me.

[back in the dark room] Again please!

King Richard IV

[back in the map room] We took five hundred off the dowry because of it.

But I thought-

King Richard IV

Only one of you has to be a virgin! [Edmund is speechless. Percy looks confused] Anything else?

Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.

Mother, I'm not a witch!

Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.

Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.

I haven't had any power for years, you know.

But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...

Otherwise what?

Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt!

Ah, yes, this would be a pity.

Well, thanks.

I'll see if I can sort out something. [leaves]

Percy

My lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.

Yes?

Percy

Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!

Brilliant! Contact them at once.

Percy

I've already done it, My Lord! [holding up some pages of paper]

Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?

Percy

[a bit reluctant] Er, yes...

Read them.

Percy

[more reluctant] Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset: [reading] "What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a later date."

Yes... [looks at another one, held by Baldrick] What does that one say?

Baldrick

It's from John Watts.

Oh, "Stinker" Watts!

Baldrick

[reading, although Percy puts forward a hand as though he'd rather it wasn't read] "Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter".

Yes?

Baldrick

"May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."

Oh no, I'm doomed!

Baldrick

Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!

Oh! What is it?

Baldrick

Well-

My wife was wondering whether you'd like to come round for dinner tonight.

No, thanks.

Why not?

Well, the food tastes like manure, and, frankly, I find you both very boring.

Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then?

Er, yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?

Yeah, all right, be there.

Brilliant! [laughs, and shakes Baldrick's hand] Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!

By the way, how's that eagle of yours?

Oh, fine, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, but, now I've clipped its wings, no problem!

Glad to hear it.

Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek! [laughs]

[rushes to the bars to talk to the guards] Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us-

...Escape...

...by dressing up as washer women...

...washer women...

...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets?

...three large wicker laundry baskets...

No, I suppose not. [goes back into the cell]

[to Anon] Here comes the wife.

Hello, Edmund.

Hello, dear...

[giggles] You look funny!

Yes-I've had all my hair cut off.

Oh yes, that's it.

Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?

Oh, no, everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys.

Good morning, Your Majesty...

I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... [steps forward, leans closer to them]

[excited] Yes?

I think I might even get a better view from the window!

[disappointed] Oh, great...

Well, I think I better be going. [turns to leave, but the Queen mouths to her, "Don't forget something," so she turns back] Oh yes, your mummy asked me to give you this. [holds out a bag]

[excited again, eagerly tries to take out what's inside] Oh great! What is it, a knife? A file? A small bucket of water?

[giggles] No, silly! It's a dolly.

So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It's just what we needed.

Goodbye, Edmund. [she and the Queen begin to walk out]

Goodbye, dear. [surprised that his mother didn't say her last goodbye] Mother!

Yes? Oh, bye bye, dear. [she and Leia leave]

Prince Harry

I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the job for you.

[disinterested] Yes.

Prince Harry

And for the witch, as well.

Of course. [takes the torch out of the kindling as the crowd cheers]

Baldrick

My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

Oh, [coughs] off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.

Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?

Er, no.

Very well. [moves to light the pyre]

Wait, yes! Yes, I do!

CONFESSION!

I would like to confess in front of God, and this rather small crowd, that I have, on occasion, done things wrong.

Be more specific.

Well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox-

Sheep!

Er, sheep. I have, uh, coveted my father's adultery.

Get on with it!

I...I have not honored my neighbor's ass.

Oh, light the fires!

I'm a witch! I'm a witch!

Percy

Me too! Me too!

Oh, damn, I'm not even comfortable. [drops the doll into the fire; it is of a hooded figure with bright red eyes carrying a large cross]

[suddenly dropping the torch] Agh! How fast this heat travels! [shielding himself from the fire with his cloak]

Prince Harry

[isn't looking] Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?

I feel as if I am on fire!

Prince Harry

[still isn't looking] I know, I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments, as well.

I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!

Prince Harry

[still isn't even looking] Yes, but I expect you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter. [Witchsmeller staggers around, on fire; he finally notices the Witchsmeller burning to death] Good lord!

Well done, Baldrick!

Percy

Yes, that was a close shave. [runs his hand across his shaven head] Thank you, Baldrick.

Baldrick

I've got nowhere to go, my lord.

Oh, surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks?

Baldrick

I've been in your service since I was two-and-a-half, my lord.

Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you.

Baldrick

Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?

Well, you know where you'd have to live.

Baldrick

In the gutter.

Yes. And you'd have to work a bit harder, too.

Baldrick

Of course.

You'll make a lovely bridesmaid, Baldrick. It's a pity I don't have any girl chums, because we were so poor growing up, we couldn't afford friends.

It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.

Baldrick

Thank you, my lord.

Well, I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God made man in His own image. It'd be a sad lookout for Christians around the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.

Ignore old Mister Grumpy. There you are, Balders. [kisses him on the cheek] You look sweet as a little pie.

Kate, he looks like what he is, a dungball in a dress.

Right Baldrick, let's try again, shall we? This is called adding. [gestures to the beans on the table] If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?

Baldrick

Some beans.

[smiles] Yes. And no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?

Baldrick

A very small casserole.

[impatiently] Baldrick, the ape-creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. [helps him count] One, two, three, four. So how many are there?

Baldrick

Three.

What?

Baldrick

And that one.

Three and 'that one'. [waves the fourth bean in front of Baldrick's face] So if I add that one to the three, what will I have?

Baldrick

Oh! Some beans.

[pause] Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

What are you wearing around your neck?

Percy

Ah, it's my new ruff!

You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.

Percy

It's the latest fashion, actually, and as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!

To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.

Percy

I think you may be wrong.

You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy? Baldrick, what do you think of Percy's new ruff?

Baldrick

Four!

What?

Baldrick

Some beans and some beans is four beans.

No, now we've moved on from advanced mathematics, we're on to elementary dress-making. What do you think of Percy's new ruff?

Baldrick

I think he looks like a bird who's swallowed a plate, my Lord.

No, that's what I think. What do you think? Try to have a thought of your own, Baldrick; thinking is so important. What do you think?

Baldrick

I think thinking is so important, my Lord.

I give up! I'm off to see the Queen.

Percy

Should I come too?

No, best not. People might think we're friends. You stay here with Baldrick. Bird-Neck and Bird-Brain should get on like a house on fire.

Ah, and you must be the boy who makes the tea.

Oh no, sir! He's the executioner...but, he does sometimes make the tea.

Yes, and your name is...?

Baldrick

Baldrick, my lord. [Blackadder lifts the executioner's hood to reveal Baldrick's face] But I'll change it to Ploppy if it'll make things easier.

No thank you, I can cope with more than one name. What are you doing here?

Baldrick

Well... [shrugs] it's a hobby.

It would be more fun, sir, if he were to change his name. Give the place a more family atmosphere.

A "family atmosphere"?! This is meant to be a place of pain and misery and sorrow!

That's what I mean, sir.

Ah, Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist, sir.

Baldrick! That Farrow bloke you executed today, you sure he's dead?

Baldrick

I chopped his head off. That usually does the trick.

Yes, don't get clever with me. I just thought you might've lopped off a leg or something by mistake.

Baldrick

No, the thing I chopped off had a nose.

Right, Baldrick, is that all clear?

Baldrick

Yes. Um, I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed, and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.

I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.

Baldrick

Oh. Why do I want a bag on my head?

In order, nincompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.

Baldrick

What, did he used to wear a bag on his head?

Young Ploppy here has a point, my lord. Lord Farrow never wore a bag. He was an old-fashioned sort of a gent.

Percy

Well, yes, my lord. I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it, but I had been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!

Look, cretins, the bag is there to conceal Baldrick's own features, and many might think, incidentally, that that might be reason enough for him to wear it! Before I bring in Lady Farrow, I shall explain to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat to Baldrick, imagining him to be the man she married, and the Queen need never know of my little miscalculation.

Why, my lord, that is a brilliant plan.

Percy

Foolproof.

You're very kind.

Although, there is something lurking in the back of my head that bothers me...

It's probably a flea.

Baldrick

I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?

Of course not. Who do you think you are, Wat Tyler? You can have the afternoon off when you die, not before.

Baldrick

But I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home. Oh, sir, on a day like today, I feel proud to be a member of the greatest kingdom on earth.

And doubtless many members of the animal kingdom feel the same. [a loud cheer erupts from outside] Look, will you shut up?! Bloody explorers! Ponce off to Mumbo-Jumbo Land and come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and Bob's-your-uncle, everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory! I mean, what about the people that do all the work?

Baldrick

The servants?

No, me! I'm the people who do all the work! I mean, look at this! [holds up a potato] What is it?

Baldrick

I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.

I haven't forgotten, it's a rhetorical question.

Baldrick

Nah, it's a potato.

To you, it's a potato. To me, it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it's luxury estates, fine carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with! He's making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them...they'll be eating them next!

Baldrick

Stranger things have happened, my lord.

[dismissively] Oh, exactly.

Baldrick

That horse becoming Pope.

For one. [knock on the door] Get that, Baldrick. Probably some berk with a parrot on his shoulder selling plaster gnomes of Sir Francis Drake and his Golden Behind.

[offscreen; chanting] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder hears from the window] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder grabs his bow] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder leans out the window] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sour- [Blackadder looses an arrow] Ah! Mummy!

[calling out the window] And another thing; why aren't you at school?!

[enters] Ah, I see you've started talking to yourself, Blackadder.

Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation around here.

Percy

I'm not coming. I'm just not coming. Of course, I'm very keen to go on the trip. It's just I've got an appointment. To have my nostrils plucked. Next year.

Baldrick

I'm sorry, m'lord. I thought it was 'cause your were a complete coward.

Percy

[laughs nervously] Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick. You know me. I laugh in the face of fear and tweak the nose of the dreadful spindly killer fish. I'm not one of your milksops who's scared out of his mind by the mere sight of water. [Baldrick offers a mug of water; screams] YES, ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT, I ADMIT IT, I'M TERRIFIED! You see, Baldrick, when I was a baby...I was savaged by a turbot! Oh, Baldrick, you can't think of a way to get me out of this, can you?

Baldrick

You could hide, m'lord.

Percy

Hide. Brilliant! Where?

Baldrick

Um...in the box!

Percy

Which one?

Baldrick

That one.

Percy

Perfect! [climbs into the box] Let's practice. Edmund comes in and says "Hello, Baldrick. Have you seen Percy?". And you say?

Baldrick

Uh, no, my lord, I haven't seen him all day.

Percy

Brilliant! Oh my god, here he comes! [closes the lid of the box]

[walks in] Oh, hello, Balders. Where the hell's that cretin, Percy? You haven't seen him, have you?

Baldrick

[struggles to remember what he was supposed to say, then replies...] Yes, my lord, he's hiding in the box!

[bangs on the box] Come on, jelly brain! Hurry up or we'll miss the tide!