A character in Blackadder
Prince Edmund
Blackadder · 193 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Blackadder: in 38 of its 193 quotes
Most scenes with: Baldrick (21), Percy (16), Prince Harry (9)
[We cut to the montage scenes of him choosing a new outfit]
[points to a black suit with a coiled snake on it and a black cape] That one! [a pair of black shoes, more suited to a jester] That pair! [and a black bowl for haircut style] That one!
We cut to finishing of his haircut, very short hair. He looks in a mirror, and stands up. Camera pans down to look at his entire outfit, large black rings, black tights and all]
[On August 21st, 1485, the Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field, the feast was held]
[bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king!
[stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell!
[The assembled nobles cheer, the loudest coming from a nobleman sitting at the very end of the table]
[stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray!
Who is that?
I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that?
He's your other son, my lord.
It is my other son, my lord.
Fights he with us on the morrow?
[to Harry] What's his name?
Edmund.
[to Edmund] EDNA? Fight you with us on the morrow?
Um, oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy. [realizing what he has just said, he shrinks down into his chair]
You're, uh, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
No, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.
Oh, arrow fodder.
Precisely.
[The king smiles and waves at Edmund]
[under his breath] What a little turd.
Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?
No, my lord.
I saw it, my lord.
And what is your name, little fellow?
My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Then I shall call you... Baldrick.
And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, me lad. How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?
[Baldrick kneels before Edmund]
[condescending] It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
With you at the helm, my lord, we cannot lose.
[condescending] Well, we could if we wanted to.
Ah, but we won't, Percy. And I shall prove to all that I am a man!
But you are a man.
But how shall it be proved, Percy?
Well, when they look up that tree in Rutland.
[hits Percy on the head] It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!
Hooray!
Hooray!
Come, a toast. Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow! Hooray! [the three men raise and then down their goblets] Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.
[At 11:00 Am in the morning inside Edmund’s room, he sleeps in his bed, snoring, while Baldrick sleeps on the floor, using a dead dog as a pillow. There is a knock on the door]
[from outside] Edmund? [opens his door] Oh, Edmund...
[half asleep] Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want?
Did you want to go to the battle this morning?
[sits up with a start; removes a cover from a sundial, and look at it] Oh my god, it's eleven o’clock!
[His mother smiles, shakes her head, and closes the door]
[Now we cut to the long shot of a rise. On it we see a silhouette of Edmund on horseback. Following him at a distance is Baldrick on muleback]
My Lord...
What is it?
Where is this battle, then?
Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field... [they ride off to the right of the shot. Suddenly, we see Baldrick going the other way, followed by Edmund] Damn, damn, damn! The first decent battle since I reached puberty...
[We dissolve to Edmund and Baldrick, riding together, up a rise leading to the valley]
Here we are, My Lord...
Onward, Baldrick! To glory!
[Over the top of the rise we now can see banners clashing together. Edmund stops his horse at the top]
[feeling uncomfortable] Y-yes, um, I'm not so sure we're needed here, Baldrick. I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it? Everyone's fighting. Clearly having the time of their lives. Why, some people over there aren't fighting. They're just lying down.
They're dead, my lord.
[feeling sick] Ah, yes. [wriggling on his saddle] Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something. Will you excuse me for a minute, Baldrick? [rides his horse up to the tree]
[Just away from the battle, King Richard III on foot meets his nephew Richard, Duke of York on his horseback]
Your Majesty, you've lost your steed. Take mine!
No, no, no. [proudly] I've won the battle! I've saved the kingdom! I think I can find myself a horse.
How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle!
So be it! [as Richard, Duke of York leaves on his horse, he walks along] A horse! [whistling a call] A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [he stops by a tree, and sees Edmund's horse] Ah, horsie!
[As he approaches the horse and starts untying the reins from the tree, Edmund, who was urinating himself behind a nearby bush, sees him]
[to himself] Who is this? [drawing his sword] Wait, that's my horse! [swings his sword, and chops off the King's head. He laughs] There, that'll teach you! [picks up the helmeted head] You won't be doing that again, now will you? [lifts the helmet’s face shield] Oh, my god. It's Uncle Richard. [screams in horror]
[runs up to Edmund, after parking his mule by the tree] What's that, my lord? [a frightened Edmund tosses the head to him, he catches it with a chuckle. As he lifts the face shield, his smile dissolves] Oh, dear. Richard III. (to Edmund) What are you going to do?!
[rapidly] Well, quick, quick... [he turns the body over, takes the head back and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it steady. He moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest. Baldrick for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body through the face shield]
[points to something off-screen] My lord! That hut there!
[They each grab two legs and drag the body away, but the head is accidentally left behind]
[They enter a small cottage. Baldrick dragging the body. Edmund enters, carrying a gauntlet]
[still entering] Come on! Come on! Will you wait! Will you wait! [Baldrick collapses exhausted on the corpse while he closes the door] Ah, well done... [sit on a barrel, then notices that something's missing] Where's the head?
I thought you had it.
Baldrick, I can't be expected to carry everything!
[They hear someone approaching. Edmund cowers; Baldrick prepares to strike down the intruder with some sort of blunt object. The door opens, and Percy enters with the same decapitated head]
[annoyed] Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute! Where have you been?!
I've just proved that I'm a man! Look what I've found! [holds up the head]
[relieved] Oh, thank God! Quick, Percy, quick, put it down and let's get out of here!
No no no no! I found it! It's mine!
What do you mean it's yours? [tries to take it from Percy]
[defensively] I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!
[stops trying to take the head] And which nobleman, pray...?
Er... [looks under the face shield, and laughs nervously] Well, it's the King, actually!
[Edmund stares at Percy, who tosses the head to Edmund, who tosses it to Baldrick, who tosses it in the barrel. They are about to leave, but a bloodied, armored man staggers in]
Lost! Lost! All is lost! [collapses to the floor]
[shocked] What?!
Flee! Flee!
Oh my god! Quick, let's get out of here!
Take me with you! [grabs one of Edmund legs]
Get your hands off!
[Percy feebly helps in this process]
If you leave me alone here, I'll die.
If you don't leave me alone, I'll kill you myself! [Baldrick bops the man on the head with his blunt object. The man falls to one side] Now, leave him here, come on! [he, Baldrick, and Percy make their way out]
I'll give you money! Ten thousand sovereigns! [collapses]
[The door opens, and Percy's head pokes in.]
[We cut to an inner hallway. Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter, laughing]
Very witty, My Lord.
Thank you, Baldrick.
Very, very, very witty, My Lord.
Thank you, Percy.
You're certainly wittier than your father.
And head and shoulders over Richard III!
[annoyed] Is that supposed to be witty?!
Er...No, my lord. Th-that was an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to.
[pauses] Go away!
Yes, my lord. [leave]
[Following Edmund down inner hallway. From inside his room, the Ghost opens the door]
Good evening.
[to himself] Where's Henry Tudor?! [rushes to the bed]
[suddenly in the bed] Baaaa!
Oh no! Where is he?! Where is he?! [checking the closet]
[suddenly inside the closet, wiggles his fingers] WOO!!!
[looks out the window to see a horseman riding out of the castle. It is Henry Tudor, running away. He runs to the door, opened by Richard's ghost. He bows to Richard as he exits] Thank you, thank you so much.
[Edmund chases Henry on horseback out of the castle and into a meadow outside. We see the Ghost snapping his fingers, and the meadow suddenly is foggy. Edmund rides out of the fog, at a clearing in the woods, and to find three old witches, who bent over the cauldron]
Oooh...Oooh...Oooh...Oooh...
[Edmund dismounts his horse, stands next to them, and clears his throat]
[startled] Oooh!
Hail!
Hail!
Hail!
Ruler of men...
Ravisher of women...
Slayer of kings!
[annoyed] Be gone, hideous crones!
Be not afraid...
Be not overcome with fear...
Be not paralyzed with terror...
[bored] Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?
We bear good news.
What news could such repulsive harbingers convey?
Today has brought misfortune...
But one day...
Oh, glorious day!
One day...
Oh, happy day!
[pause] Yes?
[points to Edmund] You shall be king!
Really?
Yes! Your Majesty! [bow]
[smiles] Well, that is good news, isn't it? [mounting his horse] God be with you, you snaggle-toothed vultures! [to himself] History, here I come! [rides off as the end credits starts]
[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the Turks.
As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!" [laughs]
He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead.
Farewell, dear Harry.
Farewell, Father.
...And his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.
[to Edmund] Edward... [he rode off with his men]
My lord, with the king gone...
Hmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! [laughs in his ridiculous-sounding evil way]
[Opening theme]
[Twelve months later]
[Edmund is on horseback, with his sword raised in the air as he shouts]
Onward! Onward! I want you scums back to the castle by sundown, or you'll all be slaughtered! Onward! [the sounds of 'Baaa' are heard as Edmund speaks to his flock of sheep, in heavy snowfall] Come on! Come on! Keep going! I've just about had enough of you!
Baaaaa!
Shut up!
Baaaa! [they began to run]
Come on! No, that's not the way you're going. Stop! Where are you going? No, not away from the castle!
Baaa!
Shut up!
[We cut to room in the castle]
[standing by the fire, reading a note] Splendid! Splendid!
[Edmund enters the adjacent hallway]
[to sheep] Now look, you're not supposed to be here. That's far enough, now get out! [shuts door, and begins to walk down the hallway, shivering] If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry...
Ah, Edmund! [Edmund stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of a wall] Edmund? [Edmund reappears, in the next doorway] Ah, there you are. Splendid news, Edmund. Father's coming home! He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate both events together! Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the guards of honor, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort out the frolics.
[to his dismay] The frolics?
Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women, you know: the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments. Oh damnation, though, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains. Edmund, you'll have to look into those as well.
[shivering from the cold] Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I'd, I'd be honored.
Good. You won't let me down, now, will you?
No, no, no, no. I'm, I'm really looking forward to it already. Thank you so very much.
Splendid! [leaves]
Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits, and now this. The bastard. The bastard!
[appears next to Edmund] If only he were, my lord.
What?
If only he were a bastard, my lord. Then you would be regent now.
Ah, yes. And one day...
[appears next to Edmund and Baldrick] You would be king, my lord.
Ah, yes, yes. I would be king! And then what?
You'd rule the world, my lord!
Precisely! It's just not fair, you know. Every other damn woman in the court has bastards, but not my mother, oh no. She's so damn pure, she hate to look down in case she notices her own breasts.
[We cut to Edmund's bedroom where Baldrick is in a dress and wig, twirling around in front of Percy, who nodded. Then Edmund enters in anger]
I'm gonna kill him, and I'm gonna kill him now!
Who, My Lord?
That stinking Scottish weasel!
Why, My Lord?
Because he's a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that's why! [goes to get a knife]
How?
I'm gonna stab him!
Where?
In the Great Hall and in the bladder! [begins to sharpen a knife]
But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something?
Ah, yes, a drawback. Yes...Perhaps we need something a little more cunning.
I have a cunning plan.
Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.
Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord.
Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.
Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.
Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean?
Well, mine's quite cunning, My Lord.
[fed up] Alright, then, let's hear it! Let's hear what's so damn cunning!
Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you–
[sarcastically] Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come with me and then-then stab him, perhaps. How cunning can you get?
No, My Lord. You get this enormous great cannon–
[as though the idea is ridiculous] Oh, I see, I take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.
[simultaneously] Blow it off! Yeah!
Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's [thinks about it] ...that's a wonderful idea. [looking at the paper] No. I think I have a plan that will give us a little more...entertainment. [laughs]
[Then they hear a noise outside. Edmund looks out the window, and saw McAngus leaving. Then he leaves his room to follow him]
[Edmund goes outside, and finds a woman riding a horse, sidesaddle. He bows to her, then grabs her feet and pushes her off the mount. He then follows McAngus, who is out for a hunt. Edmund sneaks up behind, but gets caught in one of McAngus' animal snare traps]
Aaahhhhh!
Dougal McAngus: [without looking] Can I help you?
Um, no, no. I'm fine, thank you.
Good.
[Long pause]
I'm not in your way over here, am I?
No.
Oh, there is just, er, one thing. Um...I was wondering if you could do me a little favor.
[finally stands up and turns to Edmund] Uh-huh?
Erm, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight.
How? By stayin' away, do you mean?
[Edmund chuckles a bit, but then starts to scream as McAngus raises an axe. McAngus chops Edmund's bindings; Edmund falls to the forest floor, and remains lying there, trying to look casual]
Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but, unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought you'd be the perfect person to [standing up] ...to take his place.
Well, I warn you; [swipes down at the ground, killing a badger] I'm no actor.
Well, there shouldn't be much acting required. [McAngus tosses the badger's corpse aside] Erm, it's an ancient Egyptian piece, er, called "The Death of the Scotsman".
I'll have a crack at it. [throws a knife at a creature, which screams]
You...You could play the Scotsman, if you like, who...who dies at the end of the play.
Oh! Acting dead! Now that I can do. [walks off]
Yes, well, as I say: there...there may not be much acting required. [grins evilly to himself, then walks off]
[off-screen] Oh, and er, mind the weasel pit.
[falls in] Aaahhhhh!
[Later, McAngus shows the letters to Edmund, who laughs triumphantly]
Good, excellent! It's certainly my mother's handwriting. When did you say these were written?
Er, 1460.
The year my brother was born... [laughs] Baldrick, get in here! [Baldrick enters] Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.
Why?
"Why"? Because I told you to, you silly little rat!
No, why have they been cancelled, My Lord?
Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to make. [laughs]
Does that mean I have to take the dress off?
Oh, get out, get out, get out! Out, out, out, out!
[As Baldrick left, McAngus reaches between Baldrick's legs from behind]
You know, if you played your cards right, you could become King.
Ah yes, one day.
Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father, he'd just charged into Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.
[excited] Oh?
Aye. Ten thousand of the Turks were there armed with scimitars, and your father with a small knife for peelin' fruit.
[Edmund can barely contain himself, covering his mouth as he giggles]
BaldrickTony Robinson · 90 quotes
PercyTim McInnerny · 39 quotes
PGPrince George30 quotes
King Richard IVBrian Blessed · 13 quotes
MMelchett12 quotes
EBEbenezer Blackadder11 quotes
Prince HarryRobert East · 11 quotes
QQueen9 quotes
QGQueen Gertrude8 quotes
Mrs. MigginsHelen Atkinson-Wood · 7 quotes
NursiePatsy Byrne · 6 quotes
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