Percy quotes from Blackadder

Percy

I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat.

Percy

[reading Prince Ludwig's ransom letter] Dear Qveen, I, Evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible, have your two friends, and you must...shoose between them. The ransom is one million krona. Many, many apple-ogies for the inconweenience.

[bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king!

King Richard III

[stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell!

[stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray!

King Richard III

Who is that?

I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that?

Harry

He's your other son, my lord.

It is my other son, my lord.

King Richard III

Fights he with us on the morrow?

[to Harry] What's his name?

Harry

Edmund.

[to Edmund] EDNA? Fight you with us on the morrow?

Um, oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy. [realizing what he has just said, he shrinks down into his chair]

King Richard III

You're, uh, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?

No, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.

King Richard III

Oh, arrow fodder.

Precisely.

King Richard III

[under his breath] What a little turd.

Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?

Lord Percy Percy

No, my lord.

Baldrick

I saw it, my lord.

And what is your name, little fellow?

Baldrick

My name is Baldrick, my lord.

Then I shall call you... Baldrick.

Baldrick

And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.

I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, me lad. How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?

Percy

[condescending] It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.

Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Baldrick

With you at the helm, my lord, we cannot lose.

Percy

[condescending] Well, we could if we wanted to.

Ah, but we won't, Percy. And I shall prove to all that I am a man!

Percy

But you are a man.

But how shall it be proved, Percy?

Percy

Well, when they look up that tree in Rutland.

[hits Percy on the head] It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!

Baldrick

Hooray!

Percy

Hooray!

Come, a toast. Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow! Hooray! [the three men raise and then down their goblets] Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.

[still entering] Come on! Come on! Will you wait! Will you wait! [Baldrick collapses exhausted on the corpse while he closes the door] Ah, well done... [sit on a barrel, then notices that something's missing] Where's the head?

Baldrick

I thought you had it.

Baldrick, I can't be expected to carry everything!

[annoyed] Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute! Where have you been?!

Percy

I've just proved that I'm a man! Look what I've found! [holds up the head]

[relieved] Oh, thank God! Quick, Percy, quick, put it down and let's get out of here!

Percy

No no no no! I found it! It's mine!

What do you mean it's yours? [tries to take it from Percy]

Percy

[defensively] I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!

[stops trying to take the head] And which nobleman, pray...?

Percy

Er... [looks under the face shield, and laughs nervously] Well, it's the King, actually!

Lost! Lost! All is lost! [collapses to the floor]

[shocked] What?!

Flee! Flee!

Oh my god! Quick, let's get out of here!

Take me with you! [grabs one of Edmund legs]

Get your hands off!

If you leave me alone here, I'll die.

If you don't leave me alone, I'll kill you myself! [Baldrick bops the man on the head with his blunt object. The man falls to one side] Now, leave him here, come on! [he, Baldrick, and Percy make their way out]

I'll give you money! Ten thousand sovereigns! [collapses]

Baldrick

Very witty, My Lord.

Thank you, Baldrick.

Percy

Very, very, very witty, My Lord.

Thank you, Percy.

Baldrick

You're certainly wittier than your father.

Percy

And head and shoulders over Richard III!

[annoyed] Is that supposed to be witty?!

Percy

Er...No, my lord. Th-that was an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to.

[pauses] Go away!

Yes, my lord. [leave]

Prince Harry

[standing by the fire, reading a note] Splendid! Splendid!

[to sheep] Now look, you're not supposed to be here. That's far enough, now get out! [shuts door, and begins to walk down the hallway, shivering] If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry...

Prince Harry

Ah, Edmund! [Edmund stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of a wall] Edmund? [Edmund reappears, in the next doorway] Ah, there you are. Splendid news, Edmund. Father's coming home! He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate both events together! Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the guards of honor, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort out the frolics.

[to his dismay] The frolics?

Prince Harry

Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women, you know: the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments. Oh damnation, though, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains. Edmund, you'll have to look into those as well.

[shivering from the cold] Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I'd, I'd be honored.

Prince Harry

Good. You won't let me down, now, will you?

No, no, no, no. I'm, I'm really looking forward to it already. Thank you so very much.

Prince Harry

Splendid! [leaves]

Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits, and now this. The bastard. The bastard!

Baldrick

[appears next to Edmund] If only he were, my lord.

What?

Baldrick

If only he were a bastard, my lord. Then you would be regent now.

Ah, yes. And one day...

Percy

[appears next to Edmund and Baldrick] You would be king, my lord.

Ah, yes, yes. I would be king! And then what?

You'd rule the world, my lord!

Precisely! It's just not fair, you know. Every other damn woman in the court has bastards, but not my mother, oh no. She's so damn pure, she hate to look down in case she notices her own breasts.

I'm gonna kill him, and I'm gonna kill him now!

Percy

Who, My Lord?

That stinking Scottish weasel!

Baldrick

Why, My Lord?

Because he's a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that's why! [goes to get a knife]

Percy

How?

I'm gonna stab him!

Baldrick

Where?

In the Great Hall and in the bladder! [begins to sharpen a knife]

Percy

But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something?

Ah, yes, a drawback. Yes...Perhaps we need something a little more cunning.

Baldrick

I have a cunning plan.

Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.

Baldrick

Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord.

Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.

Baldrick

Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.

Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean?

Baldrick

Well, mine's quite cunning, My Lord.

[fed up] Alright, then, let's hear it! Let's hear what's so damn cunning!

Baldrick

Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you–

[sarcastically] Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come with me and then-then stab him, perhaps. How cunning can you get?

Baldrick

No, My Lord. You get this enormous great cannon–

[as though the idea is ridiculous] Oh, I see, I take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.

Baldrick

[simultaneously] Blow it off! Yeah!

Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's [thinks about it] ...that's a wonderful idea. [looking at the paper] No. I think I have a plan that will give us a little more...entertainment. [laughs]

Percy

Who do you think will take over?

Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine. They tend to go for religious types.

Baldrick

Rumor has it, my lord, that the King wants to choose Prince Harry.

[not paying much attention to Baldrick] Oh really?

Baldrick

[driving home the point] Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord...?

[perked up] Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?

Percy

Yes! They go to Canterbury.

No no no no no no no! [makes a quacking noise as he runs his finger across his throat]

Percy

Oh yes! [makes the same sound and gesture; he and Edmund laugh]

Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?

Baldrick

Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.

Oh yes! She's quite reliable! Well! With Harry gone, [all three do throat-cutting finger gestures; Edmund stands, they do too] the Black Adder will be...

King!...Next.

Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far. Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremonies.

Percy

[bows] Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord?

Trojan, I think.

Percy

Boots, my lord?

The Italian.

Percy

...And codpiece, my lord?

Well, let's go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy! [laughs ridiculously]

Have you heard any more good rumors, Baldrick?

Baldrick

Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no.

Ah, fair enough.

[disgusted] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?

Like what, sorry?

Well, this enormous nonsense here! [taps his codpiece with a boing sound effect, and walks away. Harry sees this and shakes his head. Then fanfare begins]

[to his friends] Fingers crossed...

King Richard IV

Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. [there is a murmuring among those gathered] May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.

[to his friends] Fat chance!

King Richard IV

I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... [Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points toward Harry]...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! [Edmund is terrified] Archbishop, we salute thee.

Percy

[shakes hands with Edmund] Congratulations, my lord!

We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, those long rods you [he moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically] ram around, er...Oh! Where's the dwarf?

[a cloth moves as he pushes from behind it] Here, my lord.

King Richard IV

Archbishop!

[weakly] Hail...

King Richard IV

Going somewhere?

[stepping forward slowly] Umm, yes...

King Richard IV

Where?

C-Canterbury...?

King Richard IV

[smiles] Good, good! Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. Chiswick! Fresh horses! [he and the warrior leave]

Percy

[comes from around the cart] My lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France, you'll have to hurry.

Prince Harry

[confused] Um, boat to France?

Um, you off to France, Percy?

Percy

[confused] I thought we all were.

No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?

Percy

[understands] Oh, I see. You've changed your plan.

No, no, not really. The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance. That'll be fine. Harry...?

Little sisters of indolence, three men came in. Which way did they go?

[covering his mouth; speaks falsetto] Oh, I think they went that way.

God bless you.

Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. Quick! In here. [motions to one of the bed areas]

Baldrick

[falsetto] Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way?

[falsetto] No, Sister. More's the pity, eh?

[falsetto, to Baldrick] Why don't you try that way?

Percy

[normally] Thank you very much.

[normally] You're welcome.

And yet, Mother Superior... [back to the fight for one second] ...does not St. Paul say in the Ephesians... [back to the fight for one second] "A woman is like a bat..." [back to the fight for one second] "...often heard but never seen"? [back to the fight for one second]

No, I don't think so, Sara. [back to the fight for one second] Shall we check the dormitory?

[smiles] Oh, yes, Mother Superior. What a good idea.

[fuming] Girls! Girls! Girls! [Percy and George drop the swords and jump into the beds] If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden! Who is the ringleader here? [looks and points at Edmund] You! Yes, you. The plain girl. [takes off headgear] Oh my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!

[removes Justin's headgear] And a man! [screams]

Er, I think I can explain. [laughs uneasily]

Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! [locks the door]

Baldrick

But, my lord, you can't just lock her out, you know.

Well, you may be right. [pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal spikes coming out] That should hold her for at least a minute!

Percy

Wait a moment, my lord! I think I have a plan which could get you out of this mess.

Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it.

Percy

Oh, yes. Yes, maybe you're right.

But tell me what it is anyway!

Percy

Ah, no, actually, I don't think I will, my lord.

Please, Percy, tell me what your plan is! Please tell me!

Percy

[enjoying seeing Edmund grovel, and chuckles to himself] Alright! I go to the Infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then, this is the cunning part, instead of saying 'oink, oink', you say 'Moo!'

Then?

Percy

Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave!

[gestures in Percy's direction, and when Percy looks behind him, he slaps Percy on the cheek] You're right, you shouldn't have bothered.

Baldrick

My lord...

What?

Baldrick

I also have a plan. Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?

I do, Baldrick! I do!

Baldrick

No, no, my lord. I mean, erm, the, er, intimate company of men...

[horrified] You don't mean...like the Earl of Doncaster...?

Baldrick

I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.

That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was 17.

Baldrick

Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?

Well, no-one wou- [understanding] Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster!...except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?

Baldrick

Well, first we've got to get you looking right. Just need to drape something effeminate round your shoulders.

Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.

Baldrick

Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practice with Percy.

[shocked] Practice what?

Baldrick

Presentation, my lord!

Oh, I see.

Baldrick

[moving Percy] You stand over here, and, my lord, just there. Right; now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself attractive to you.

Percy

Attractive?

You know, like the Earl of Doncaster.

Percy

Good lord! Well, er, fair enough. [waves seductively at Edmund]

No, you act normal! I'm the Earl of Doncaster!

Percy

[remembers] Oh, I see.

It's me...Right.

Baldrick

Right. [holds his arm between them, rather like the referee of a boxing match] Go! [stands aside]

Oh my God, this is impossible! I can't do this!

Baldrick

Never mind. I've a couple more things that might help. [exits]

Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?

Percy

Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.

Ah, right. Erm...

Percy

[in a high-pitched, not falsetto, voice] Hello there!

[in his normal voice] Er, hello. How are you?

Percy

I'm fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish Infanta.

No, he damned well isn't!!! [attacking Percy] And anyone who marries the Infanta will get creamed! Do you hear me?

Baldrick

[smiling] Yes, that's the kind of thing!

Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman!

Percy

Yes, I know, but it’s only for a couple of days, isn't it...

Ah yes, that's true. Come on, hurry up, Father!

Er, yes, very well. Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to bear witness, at very short notice... [Tally giggles] ...to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians: er, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, and, er, Tally Applebottom. [Tally giggles again] Is that right?

Yes, that's right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally! [laughs]

Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?

Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

No, I'm a bowl of soup! [Tally laughs] Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up...

And are you Miss Tally Applebottom?

Mrs.

Er, Mrs.- [realizes] Ah...

Ah... [looks at Percy]

Percy

Ah...

[stammers a bit] Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!

Yes, but surely if she's–

Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn't just a bit adaptable!

No.

Baldrick

No.

Percy

No.

No.

No.

[angrily] Yes!

Ah... [a bit confused] And, er, you are...?

Mr. Applebottom.

Then you are the father of the bride...

No, I'm the husband of the...bride.

Oh, this is my husband, Thomas. Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh. Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. Thomas, this is Father O'–

...Smith! I called about the ducking-stool you found. [quickly begins to gather up his things]

[backs round and round as Thomas approaches him; Percy and Baldrick hide behind him] Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. I only need her for a very short stint...

Get out!!!

Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!

Get out of here!!!

[shocked at her husband's behavior] That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!

No, that'll be the Earl of Doncaster.

I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this, the most depressing night of my life.

Baldrick

Well, my lord, at least you can take solace in one thing.

What's that?

Baldrick

We're pretty sure your wife's a virgin.

At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she wasn't, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you've still got to be a virgin. [suddenly, an idea forms in Edmund's head and he looks at Percy]

Percy

What, my lord? [realizing Edmund is grinning, and begins to understand] Oh!

Baldrick

[chuckles nervously] Oh no. [understanding] No. [horrified] No!

Yes! Yes! YES!