[On August 21st, 1485, the Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field, the feast was held]
RDRichard, Duke of York
[bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king!
[stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell!
[The assembled nobles cheer, the loudest coming from a nobleman sitting at the very end of the table]
[stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray!
RDRichard, Duke of York
I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that?
HarryHe's your other son, my lord.
RDRichard, Duke of York
It is my other son, my lord.
Fights he with us on the morrow?
RDRichard, Duke of York
[to Harry] What's his name?
Harry
Edmund.
RDRichard, Duke of York
[to Edmund] EDNA? Fight you with us on the morrow?
Um, oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy. [realizing what he has just said, he shrinks down into his chair]
You're, uh, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
RDRichard, Duke of York
No, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.
RDRichard, Duke of York
Precisely.
[The king smiles and waves at Edmund]
[under his breath] What a little turd.
Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?
And what is your name, little fellow?
My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Then I shall call you... Baldrick.
And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, me lad. How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?
[Baldrick kneels before Edmund]
[condescending] It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
With you at the helm, my lord, we cannot lose.
[condescending] Well, we could if we wanted to.
Ah, but we won't, Percy. And I shall prove to all that I am a man!
But how shall it be proved, Percy?
Well, when they look up that tree in Rutland.
[hits Percy on the head] It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!
Come, a toast. Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow! Hooray! [the three men raise and then down their goblets] Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.
[We cut to the battle field in Bosworth Field the next morning]
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree.
RDRichard, Duke of York
Let "Blood! Blood! BLOOD!!!" be your motto! Slit their gizzards!!!
Harry
Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of... violence. But, at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?
[Crowd cheers]
And gentlemen in London still abed shall think themselves accursed that they were not here and hold their manhood cheap, while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! [raised his sword high]
[Crowd cheers]
[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the Turks.
As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!" [laughs]
He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead.
Prince Harry
Farewell, Father.
...And his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.
[to Edmund] Edward... [he rode off with his men]
My lord, with the king gone...
Hmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! [laughs in his ridiculous-sounding evil way]
[Opening theme]
[We cut to room in the castle]
Prince Harry
[standing by the fire, reading a note] Splendid! Splendid!
[Edmund enters the adjacent hallway]
[to sheep] Now look, you're not supposed to be here. That's far enough, now get out! [shuts door, and begins to walk down the hallway, shivering] If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry...
Prince Harry
Ah, Edmund! [Edmund stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of a wall] Edmund? [Edmund reappears, in the next doorway] Ah, there you are. Splendid news, Edmund. Father's coming home! He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate both events together! Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the guards of honor, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort out the frolics.
[to his dismay] The frolics?
Prince Harry
Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women, you know: the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments. Oh damnation, though, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains. Edmund, you'll have to look into those as well.
[shivering from the cold] Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I'd, I'd be honored.
Prince Harry
Good. You won't let me down, now, will you?
No, no, no, no. I'm, I'm really looking forward to it already. Thank you so very much.
Prince Harry
Splendid! [leaves]
Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits, and now this. The bastard. The bastard!
[appears next to Edmund] If only he were, my lord.
If only he were a bastard, my lord. Then you would be regent now.
[appears next to Edmund and Baldrick] You would be king, my lord.
Ah, yes, yes. I would be king! And then what?
BPBaldrick & Percy
You'd rule the world, my lord!
PPrince
Precisely! It's just not fair, you know. Every other damn woman in the court has bastards, but not my mother, oh no. She's so damn pure, she hate to look down in case she notices her own breasts.
[We dissolve to room outside the throne room. King is looking out the window, bored]
Prince Harry
We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father.
I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the queen's 'got a headache'.
Prince Harry
Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the Archbishop of York has asked me if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer.
Do you want me to be honest or tactful?
Prince Harry
Er, tactful, I think.
Prince Harry
Right.
Has the little hooligan McAngus left?
Prince Harry
No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now.
[We cut to outside at the top of the castle, and Edmund shows McAngus the view from an archer's battlement, then turns away]
...While this... [shows McAngus a cannon]
[We cut back to the King and Harry]
[to Harry] Well, I'll be sorry to see him go.
[We cut back to the roof]
[with his head down the mouth of the cannon] Och, very interestin'. [Edmund moves to behind the cannon]
[Back inside]
Prince Harry
[to his father] Yes, and so will Edmund. They've become firm friends.
[Then a very loud sound is heard from outside]
Prince Harry
What the devil?!
Prince Harry
The drains!
Father! Harry! There's been rather a messy accident. You must come quickly!
Prince Harry
Oh my God! I shall need my plunger! [rushs out, followed by the King]
[Edmund jumps for joy as the end credits start]
[We cut to the main hall where the King is playing arm wrestling with Harry]
Keep going, keep going. Use both hands! [Harry does so] Very good, very good... [Harry loses] Well done, well done, Harry. [there's a knock at the door] Enter!
[enters, bowing repeatedly, and continuing throughout the scene] Your Majesty.
Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my appointment, um, before things really firmed up.
Oh, fine. [backs up several paces] And, er, secondly-
Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I've always despised you!
Well, you are my father. I mean, you're biased.
You, compared to your beloved brother, Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Prince Harry
Oh, my lord, you flatter me!
So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to get out of it!
Oh no, no, no, no, no! I just thought someone else, someone equally weak-willed and feeble-
Of course not. Or perhaps someone who believed in God-
No, no, no! If I needed someone who believed in God, I'd have chosen Harry! Not an embarrassing little weed like you.
Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. Goodness, it must be almost time for evensong. Must be going.
[calmly] Egbert... [Edmund tries to pretend not to hear] Come here. [Edmund does so. He bows repeatedly, and begin to kiss Richard's hand, until he grabs him] A word of advice: if you cross me now, or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites.
Prince Harry
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much. [steps backwards, bowing repeatedly, and bumps into a set of drawers. Then he adjusts his movements, and he backs out into an open hallway. He turns] Flee!
[We dissolve to outside the castle where Edmund is getting ready for his escape. He stands at the back of a large cart]
We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, those long rods you [he moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically] ram around, er...Oh! Where's the dwarf?
DDwarf
[a cloth moves as he pushes from behind it] Here, my lord.
[The King, Harry and a warrior appear in the doorway]
[stepping forward slowly] Umm, yes...
[smiles] Good, good! Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. Chiswick! Fresh horses! [he and the warrior leave]
[comes from around the cart] My lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France, you'll have to hurry.
Prince Harry
[confused] Um, boat to France?
Um, you off to France, Percy?
[confused] I thought we all were.
No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
[understands] Oh, I see. You've changed your plan.
No, no, not really. The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance. That'll be fine. Harry...?
[Later, Harry and Edmund are riding on the horses]
Prince Harry
...And another thing that bothers me, Your Grace: suppose my right hand offends me, and I cut it off, well, what if my left hand offends me as well? I mean, what do I cut it off with?
Er, yes, yes, that is a knotty one...
Prince Harry
Yes.
[They ride on, the cart is being pulled by Baldrick and Percy. Percy's face is covered with manure. They pass by a pair of peasants]
P1Peasant 1
Here; who was that?
P2Peasant 2
I don't know. But that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure.
P1Peasant 1
Now that's what I call style.
[In castle dining room, the Queen is eating at one end of a long table, and looks up as she hears her husband's voice as he and Harry spar]
DIE, YOU TURKISH DOG!!! [the King forces Harry to the table] YOU TURKISH PIG!!!
Prince Harry
Father, it's me! Pax!!!
[realizes] Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, Harry. You're improving.
Prince Harry
Yes, well, thank you, Father. [turns to Queen] Good night, Mother. [leaves]
He's gaining on me. He's gaining on me! [goes to the other end of the long table]
Oh, well, well, very well. [picks up a piece of meat, smells it, then calls out] Chiswick, fresh horse! [tosses the meat over his shoulder]
And how are his dear little sheep?
[A couple of men bring in a huge platter with half a horse's body with legs, cooked, on it]
Well, the ones at Canterbury, his flock that he was talking about.
[tears off a whole leg from the horse; rolls his eyes and mutters at his wife's comment] Oh my god...
[Two knights ride up to the castle]
I can't understand it; Edmund doesn't even like religion.
[chewing the horse leg] That's impossible; he's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy, whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font.
[using his sword to pick and take some bread from the table] But that was a long time ago.
[The King then laughs and spats out some food. Meanwhile, the knights have ridden into the castle]
[stands, approaching the Queen] Well, the boy's turned out well. [as a toast] A long and healthy life to him! [smacks his giant cup against the Queen's wine goblet, which breaks. He drinks and goes back to his seat] I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[Two knights finally park their horses]
Oh, it's something that my ancestor Henry II once said when he having trouble with Thomas á Becket. He was sitting at a table like this with two drunken knights, and he yelled out, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[The two knights make their way inside]
Queen Gertrude: [confused] Er, what?
[in his sotto voce] God, save us. [the knights finally make it to the doorway of the dining room as he shouts] I said, "WHO WILL RID ME OF THIS TURBULENT PRIEST?"
[The knights look at each other]
The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course!
[The knights look at each other again with confusion, nod, and leave]
Well, they went straight off and killed him, of course!
[The knights leave the castle]
By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord, 1495, the Black Plague once again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day, thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake, and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.
[Inside the corridor in the castle, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh and his squire, Baldrick, are fiddling with a royal portrait while Lord Percy guards the corridor. Percy, however, turns his head round to see what Edmund is doing, and, at that moment, Edmund's older brother, Prince Harry, walks up to him]
Prince Harry
Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.
[hiding the portrait behind his back] Er, doing what?
Prince Harry
I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather.
[a bit excited at the possibility of being closer to the throne] Oh dear! Any idea what?
Prince Harry
Not sure. I think it's probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure that he'd appreciate a little visit from you...
Oh. Well, I'm sure I can pop my head round the door...
Prince Harry
...sort of nowish.
[Later, outside; the Witchsmeller carries a large cross, chanting "Burn the witch!" to excite the crowd as Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are carried in on wooden racks behind him; the Witchsmeller stands by the waiting kindling, where Harry is standing, while the trio are put against the stake]
Prince Harry
I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the job for you.
WWitchsmeller
[disinterested] Yes.
Prince Harry
And for the witch, as well.
WWitchsmeller
Of course. [takes the torch out of the kindling as the crowd cheers]
My Lord, I have a cunning plan.
Oh, [coughs] off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.
WWitchsmeller
Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?
WWitchsmeller
Very well. [moves to light the pyre]
WWitchsmeller
CONFESSION!
[The crowd cheers]
I would like to confess in front of God, and this rather small crowd, that I have, on occasion, done things wrong.
WWitchsmeller
Be more specific.
Well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox-
Er, sheep. I have, uh, coveted my father's adultery.
WWitchsmeller
Get on with it!
I...I have not honored my neighbor's ass.
WWitchsmeller
Oh, light the fires!
I'm a witch! I'm a witch!
[The crowd cheers. Later, the fire is blazing; the crowd is chanting "Burn! Burn! Burn!"]
Oh, damn, I'm not even comfortable. [drops the doll into the fire; it is of a hooded figure with bright red eyes carrying a large cross]
WWitchsmeller
[suddenly dropping the torch] Agh! How fast this heat travels! [shielding himself from the fire with his cloak]
Prince Harry
[isn't looking] Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?
[The doll begins to smoke, as does the Witchsmeller]
WWitchsmeller
I feel as if I am on fire!
Prince Harry
[still isn't looking] I know, I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments, as well.
[The Witchsmeller's cross suddenly caught fire]
WWitchsmeller
I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!
[The doll catches aflame, as does the Witchsmeller]
Prince Harry
[still isn't even looking] Yes, but I expect you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter. [Witchsmeller staggers around, on fire; he finally notices the Witchsmeller burning to death] Good lord!
[The Witchsmeller screams as he dies. The flames around Edmund, Percy and Baldrick fade, then their bonds are broken]
Yes, that was a close shave. [runs his hand across his shaven head] Thank you, Baldrick.
[Baldrick shrugs, baffled]
Blackadder · 193 quotes
