[At 11:00 Am in the morning inside Edmund’s room, he sleeps in his bed, snoring, while Baldrick sleeps on the floor, using a dead dog as a pillow. There is a knock on the door]
GGertrude
[from outside] Edmund? [opens his door] Oh, Edmund...
[half asleep] Hmm? Oh, Mother, what do you want?
GGertrude
Did you want to go to the battle this morning?
[sits up with a start; removes a cover from a sundial, and look at it] Oh my god, it's eleven o’clock!
[His mother smiles, shakes her head, and closes the door]
[We cut to hallway outside the throne room where Edmund's mother, Queen Gertrude, is talking with Countess Celia]
CCCountess Celia
You must be so looking forward to the king's return, Your Majesty.
CCCountess Celia
"No", milady? But think, he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you!
QGQueen Gertrude
Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that. Very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on. Being used all night long like the outside of a sausage roll.
CCCountess Celia
Still, there's the Saint Leonard's Day celebrations to look forward to. The jesters, the jugglers...
QGQueen Gertrude
The great brown ox, steaming and smoldering all night long.
CCCountess Celia
Oh yes, the feast!
QGQueen Gertrude
Sorry? No, I was thinking of something else.
CCCountess Celia
I do hope they've got the Morris dancers. I love them!
QGQueen Gertrude
Yes. I like the eunuchs.
CCCountess Celia
Oh yes, the eunuchs! I wish I owned one.
QGQueen Gertrude
I wish I'd married one.
[We cut to the court where Edmund wears a ridiculous metal helmet, an enormous protruding black codpiece, and pointed black boots with little chains going from the calves to the toes]
Have you heard any more good rumors, Baldrick?
Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no.
[Edmund looked over at some clergymen and smiled. They stared at his codpiece, almost in fright. The Queen arrived]
QGQueen Gertrude
[disgusted] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?
QGQueen Gertrude
Well, this enormous nonsense here! [taps his codpiece with a boing sound effect, and walks away. Harry sees this and shakes his head. Then fanfare begins]
[to his friends] Fingers crossed...
Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. [there is a murmuring among those gathered] May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
[to his friends] Fat chance!
I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... [Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points toward Harry]...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! [Edmund is terrified] Archbishop, we salute thee.
[Everyone kneels before Edmund, except Percy]
[shakes hands with Edmund] Congratulations, my lord!
[Edmund shakes him free before Percy kneels. The clergymen, kneeling, are face-to-codpiece with Edmund. He put his hands over it, but it's too large to conceal. He takes one of the clergymen's hats and hangs it on the codpiece. He then turns around and nearly hit Baldrick in the face with the codpiece]
[In castle dining room, the Queen is eating at one end of a long table, and looks up as she hears her husband's voice as he and Harry spar]
DIE, YOU TURKISH DOG!!! [the King forces Harry to the table] YOU TURKISH PIG!!!
[realizes] Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, Harry. You're improving.
Yes, well, thank you, Father. [turns to Queen] Good night, Mother. [leaves]
He's gaining on me. He's gaining on me! [goes to the other end of the long table]
QGQueen Gertrude
And how was Edmund?
Oh, well, well, very well. [picks up a piece of meat, smells it, then calls out] Chiswick, fresh horse! [tosses the meat over his shoulder]
QGQueen Gertrude
And how are his dear little sheep?
QGQueen Gertrude
Edmund's sheep.
[A couple of men bring in a huge platter with half a horse's body with legs, cooked, on it]
QGQueen Gertrude
Well, the ones at Canterbury, his flock that he was talking about.
[tears off a whole leg from the horse; rolls his eyes and mutters at his wife's comment] Oh my god...
[Two knights ride up to the castle]
QGQueen Gertrude
I can't understand it; Edmund doesn't even like religion.
[chewing the horse leg] That's impossible; he's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
QGQueen Gertrude
Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy, whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font.
[using his sword to pick and take some bread from the table] But that was a long time ago.
QGQueen Gertrude
It was last Thursday.
[The King then laughs and spats out some food. Meanwhile, the knights have ridden into the castle]
[stands, approaching the Queen] Well, the boy's turned out well. [as a toast] A long and healthy life to him! [smacks his giant cup against the Queen's wine goblet, which breaks. He drinks and goes back to his seat] I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[Two knights finally park their horses]
QGQueen Gertrude
And what is that?
Oh, it's something that my ancestor Henry II once said when he having trouble with Thomas á Becket. He was sitting at a table like this with two drunken knights, and he yelled out, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[The two knights make their way inside]
Queen Gertrude: [confused] Er, what?
[in his sotto voce] God, save us. [the knights finally make it to the doorway of the dining room as he shouts] I said, "WHO WILL RID ME OF THIS TURBULENT PRIEST?"
[The knights look at each other]
QGQueen Gertrude
Meaning who?
The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course!
[The knights look at each other again with confusion, nod, and leave]
QGQueen Gertrude
And then what happened?
Well, they went straight off and killed him, of course!
[The knights leave the castle]
[Outside the throne room, the Infanta, Don Speekenglish, and the Queen all sit on a bench]
IInfanta
Ah, esto estas bien.
DSDon Speekenglish
Well, this is nice.
QGQueen Gertrude
Oh, yes.
IInfanta
Hablierto poco de cosas de mujeres.
DSDon Speekenglish
To have a little talk about a lady's things.
IInfanta
Si, los dos solas.
DSDon Speekenglish
Just the two of us.
QGQueen Gertrude
Oh, yes, yes.
IInfanta
Si, bueno. Señora, hable mi de les hombres ingleses.
DSDon Speekenglish
So tell me, Mrs. Queen, about Englishmen.
QGQueen Gertrude
Well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know, and with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one thing!
IInfanta
[grinning] Que? Que?
DSDon Speekenglish
And what is that?
QGQueen Gertrude
Well, it’s a kind of pudding made of bread and butter and raisins, and, of course, the other thing...
IInfanta
Que el otro? Que el otro?
DSDon Speekenglish
And what is the other thing?
QGQueen Gertrude
[as though it's obvious] Oh, well, custard!
DSDon Speekenglish
Crema!
IInfanta
[laughing] No...Edmundo; que tal es?
DSDon Speekenglish
Edmund; what’s he like?
QGQueen Gertrude
Well, I told you: this pudding...
IInfanta
En la cama! [put her hands together, resting them on her cheek]
DSDon Speekenglish
No, what's he like in bed?
QGQueen Gertrude
Oh. Well, in bed, he likes hot milk, with just a little touch of cinnamon.
DSDon Speekenglish
No, no, no. [concentrating on the words] What is he like?
QGQueen Gertrude
Oh. Well, he's like a little rabbit, really.
IInfanta
Conejo?! [giggles about this] Mama, mama, cuanto le quiero! [she hugs the Queen]
DSDon Speekenglish
[popping up under their arms] Mummy, mummy, how much I love him!
[Later, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are inside a cell. The Queen is outside of it]
QGQueen Gertrude
Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.
QGQueen Gertrude
Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.
Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.
QGQueen Gertrude
I haven't had any power for years, you know.
But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...
QGQueen Gertrude
Otherwise what?
Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt!
QGQueen Gertrude
Ah, yes, this would be a pity.
QGQueen Gertrude
I'll see if I can sort out something. [leaves]
My lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.
Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!
Brilliant! Contact them at once.
I've already done it, My Lord! [holding up some pages of paper]
Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?
[a bit reluctant] Er, yes...
[more reluctant] Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset: [reading] "What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a later date."
Yes... [looks at another one, held by Baldrick] What does that one say?
[reading, although Percy puts forward a hand as though he'd rather it wasn't read] "Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter".
"May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."
Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!
[The guards, Soft and Anon, come into the foreground]
SSoft
My wife was wondering whether you'd like to come round for dinner tonight.
AAnon
Well, the food tastes like manure, and, frankly, I find you both very boring.
SSoft
Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then?
AAnon
Er, yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?
SSoft
Yeah, all right, be there.
[Baldrick had finished telling his plan]
Brilliant! [laughs, and shakes Baldrick's hand] Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!
[The guards chat some more]
SSoft
By the way, how's that eagle of yours?
AAnon
Oh, fine, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, but, now I've clipped its wings, no problem!
[As the guards separate again, Edmund goes to the bars]
Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek! [laughs]
[Outside the castle, the stake is being prepared. A sign reads: "Public execution, by Burning, Friday August 11, Indoors If Wet". Back in the goal cell; Edmund and company are bald, each also wearing a ball-and-chain. Baldrick touched Edmund, with a plan]
[rushes to the bars to talk to the guards] Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us-
...by dressing up as washer women...
SASoft and Anon
...washer women...
...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets?
SASoft and Anon
...three large wicker laundry baskets...
No, I suppose not. [goes back into the cell]
SSoft
[to Anon] Here comes the wife.
[The guards stand to attention. Anon opens the cell door for Edmund's wife, Princess Leia, and the Queen]
[giggles] You look funny!
Yes-I've had all my hair cut off.
Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?
Oh, no, everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys.
PBPercy and Baldrick
Good morning, Your Majesty...
I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... [steps forward, leans closer to them]
PEPrince Edmund, Percy and Baldrick
[excited] Yes?
I think I might even get a better view from the window!
[disappointed] Oh, great...
Well, I think I better be going. [turns to leave, but the Queen mouths to her, "Don't forget something," so she turns back] Oh yes, your mummy asked me to give you this. [holds out a bag]
[excited again, eagerly tries to take out what's inside] Oh great! What is it, a knife? A file? A small bucket of water?
[giggles] No, silly! It's a dolly.
So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It's just what we needed.
Goodbye, Edmund. [she and the Queen begin to walk out]
Goodbye, dear. [surprised that his mother didn't say her last goodbye] Mother!
QGQueen Gertrude
Yes? Oh, bye bye, dear. [she and Leia leave]
[In the castle, the King enters the anteroom feeling fine. The Queen's doing some knitting while Leia watches what's going on outside]
QGQueen Gertrude
Ah, 'morning, dear.
[chuckles happily] 'Morning, Princess.
What's going on out there?
Well, Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive, when the doll came along-
QGQueen Gertrude
Darling, shh, shh, shh. [to her husband] Nothing, my dear. It's all sorted out now.
[The Queen turns, winks and twitches her nose at the camera. Sparkles fly out of her eyes. Leia looks on in surprise. The Black Adder logo comes from her mouth as the closing theme begins]
Blackadder · 193 quotes
