Scenes with King Richard IV 13
[On August 21st, 1485, the Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field, the feast was held]
RDRichard, Duke of York
[bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king!
[stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell!
[The assembled nobles cheer, the loudest coming from a nobleman sitting at the very end of the table]
[stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray!
RDRichard, Duke of York
I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that?
He's your other son, my lord.
RDRichard, Duke of York
It is my other son, my lord.
Fights he with us on the morrow?
RDRichard, Duke of York
[to Harry] What's his name?
RDRichard, Duke of York
[to Edmund] EDNA? Fight you with us on the morrow?
Um, oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy. [realizing what he has just said, he shrinks down into his chair]
You're, uh, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
RDRichard, Duke of York
No, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.
RDRichard, Duke of York
Precisely.
[The king smiles and waves at Edmund]
[under his breath] What a little turd.
Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?
And what is your name, little fellow?
My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Then I shall call you... Baldrick.
And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, me lad. How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?
[Baldrick kneels before Edmund]
[condescending] It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
With you at the helm, my lord, we cannot lose.
[condescending] Well, we could if we wanted to.
Ah, but we won't, Percy. And I shall prove to all that I am a man!
But how shall it be proved, Percy?
Well, when they look up that tree in Rutland.
[hits Percy on the head] It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!
Come, a toast. Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow! Hooray! [the three men raise and then down their goblets] Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.
[We cut to the battle field in Bosworth Field the next morning]
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree.
RDRichard, Duke of York
Let "Blood! Blood! BLOOD!!!" be your motto! Slit their gizzards!!!
Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of... violence. But, at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?
[Crowd cheers]
And gentlemen in London still abed shall think themselves accursed that they were not here and hold their manhood cheap, while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! [raised his sword high]
[Crowd cheers]
[Just away from the battle, King Richard III on foot meets his nephew Richard, Duke of York on his horseback]
RDRichard, Duke of York
Your Majesty, you've lost your steed. Take mine!
No, no, no. [proudly] I've won the battle! I've saved the kingdom! I think I can find myself a horse.
RDRichard, Duke of York
How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle!
So be it! [as Richard, Duke of York leaves on his horse, he walks along] A horse! [whistling a call] A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [he stops by a tree, and sees Edmund's horse] Ah, horsie!
[As he approaches the horse and starts untying the reins from the tree, Edmund, who was urinating himself behind a nearby bush, sees him]
[to himself] Who is this? [drawing his sword] Wait, that's my horse! [swings his sword, and chops off the King's head. He laughs] There, that'll teach you! [picks up the helmeted head] You won't be doing that again, now will you? [lifts the helmet’s face shield] Oh, my god. It's Uncle Richard. [screams in horror]
[runs up to Edmund, after parking his mule by the tree] What's that, my lord? [a frightened Edmund tosses the head to him, he catches it with a chuckle. As he lifts the face shield, his smile dissolves] Oh, dear. Richard III. (to Edmund) What are you going to do?!
[rapidly] Well, quick, quick... [he turns the body over, takes the head back and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it steady. He moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest. Baldrick for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body through the face shield]
[points to something off-screen] My lord! That hut there!
[They each grab two legs and drag the body away, but the head is accidentally left behind]
[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the Turks.
King Richard IVAs the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!" [laughs]
He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead.
King Richard IV
Farewell, dear Harry.
...And his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.
King Richard IV
[to Edmund] Edward... [he rode off with his men]
My lord, with the king gone...
Hmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! [laughs in his ridiculous-sounding evil way]
[Opening theme]
[We dissolve to room outside the throne room. King is looking out the window, bored]
King Richard IV
(muttering) I'm fed up.
We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father.
King Richard IV
I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the queen's 'got a headache'.
Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the Archbishop of York has asked me if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer.
King Richard IV
Do you want me to be honest or tactful?
King Richard IV
Tell him to get stuffed!
King Richard IV
Has the little hooligan McAngus left?
No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now.
[We cut to outside at the top of the castle, and Edmund shows McAngus the view from an archer's battlement, then turns away]
...While this... [shows McAngus a cannon]
[We cut back to the King and Harry]
King Richard IV
[to Harry] Well, I'll be sorry to see him go.
[We cut back to the roof]
[with his head down the mouth of the cannon] Och, very interestin'. [Edmund moves to behind the cannon]
[Back inside]
[to his father] Yes, and so will Edmund. They've become firm friends.
[Then a very loud sound is heard from outside]
King Richard IV
The Turks!
Father! Harry! There's been rather a messy accident. You must come quickly!
Oh my God! I shall need my plunger! [rushs out, followed by the King]
[Edmund jumps for joy as the end credits start]
England, November, 1487. The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage, and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.
[The Duke of Winchester is on his deathbed, and both King Richard IV and Godfrey, the Archbishop of Canterbury, are by his side with ready-made wills]
DWDuke of Winchester
Dying, my lords? Am I dying?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Never.
King Richard IV
[laughs] Never!
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours until your recovery- [the Duke moans in pain] Let us imagine you yourself were to pass away. To whom would you leave your lands?
King Richard IV
Ah, to me, of course.
DWDuke of Winchester
Yes. To my beloved king.
AGArchbishop Godfrey
May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son.
DWDuke of Winchester
Hell?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Yes, Hell, where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind night and day. Hell, where your mind is never free from the torments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks.
DWDuke of Winchester
No! Spare me the little forks!
King Richard IV
[confused] What is this nonsense?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Hell, where the softest parts of your nether regions are everybody else's favorite lunch.
DWDuke of Winchester
Oh, Christ! [to King Richard] Forgive me, Sire. I must change my will and leave my land to the Church.
King Richard IV
[shocked] WHAT?!
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Blessed be thy stainless soul.
King Richard IV
[to Duke] Ah, you will change your mind later. I know it.
[With a final, weak moan, the Duke dies]
AGArchbishop Godfrey
[smugly] I think not.
[King Richard IV, enraged, looks around and sees one of his men standing in the room, wearing a helmet with a spike coming out the top]
[Opening theme]
[We cut to the court where Edmund wears a ridiculous metal helmet, an enormous protruding black codpiece, and pointed black boots with little chains going from the calves to the toes]
Have you heard any more good rumors, Baldrick?
Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no.
[Edmund looked over at some clergymen and smiled. They stared at his codpiece, almost in fright. The Queen arrived]
[disgusted] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?
Well, this enormous nonsense here! [taps his codpiece with a boing sound effect, and walks away. Harry sees this and shakes his head. Then fanfare begins]
[to his friends] Fingers crossed...
King Richard IV
Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. [there is a murmuring among those gathered] May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
[to his friends] Fat chance!
King Richard IV
I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... [Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points toward Harry]...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! [Edmund is terrified] Archbishop, we salute thee.
[Everyone kneels before Edmund, except Percy]
[shakes hands with Edmund] Congratulations, my lord!
[Edmund shakes him free before Percy kneels. The clergymen, kneeling, are face-to-codpiece with Edmund. He put his hands over it, but it's too large to conceal. He takes one of the clergymen's hats and hangs it on the codpiece. He then turns around and nearly hit Baldrick in the face with the codpiece]
[We cut to the main hall where the King is playing arm wrestling with Harry]
King Richard IV
Keep going, keep going. Use both hands! [Harry does so] Very good, very good... [Harry loses] Well done, well done, Harry. [there's a knock at the door] Enter!
[enters, bowing repeatedly, and continuing throughout the scene] Your Majesty.
King Richard IV
Ah! My Lord Archbishop.
Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my appointment, um, before things really firmed up.
King Richard IV
Yes?
King Richard IV
No, you couldn't!!!
Oh, fine. [backs up several paces] And, er, secondly-
King Richard IV
Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I've always despised you!
Well, you are my father. I mean, you're biased.
King Richard IV
You, compared to your beloved brother, Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Oh, my lord, you flatter me!
King Richard IV
So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to get out of it!
Oh no, no, no, no, no! I just thought someone else, someone equally weak-willed and feeble-
King Richard IV
HA! There's no such man!
Of course not. Or perhaps someone who believed in God-
King Richard IV
No, no, no! If I needed someone who believed in God, I'd have chosen Harry! Not an embarrassing little weed like you.
Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. Goodness, it must be almost time for evensong. Must be going.
King Richard IV
[calmly] Egbert... [Edmund tries to pretend not to hear] Come here. [Edmund does so. He bows repeatedly, and begin to kiss Richard's hand, until he grabs him] A word of advice: if you cross me now, or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
King Richard IV
You understand?
Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much. [steps backwards, bowing repeatedly, and bumps into a set of drawers. Then he adjusts his movements, and he backs out into an open hallway. He turns] Flee!
[We dissolve to outside the castle where Edmund is getting ready for his escape. He stands at the back of a large cart]
We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, those long rods you [he moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically] ram around, er...Oh! Where's the dwarf?
DDwarf
[a cloth moves as he pushes from behind it] Here, my lord.
[The King, Harry and a warrior appear in the doorway]
King Richard IV
Archbishop!
King Richard IV
Going somewhere?
[stepping forward slowly] Umm, yes...
King Richard IV
Where?
King Richard IV
[smiles] Good, good! Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. Chiswick! Fresh horses! [he and the warrior leave]
[comes from around the cart] My lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France, you'll have to hurry.
[confused] Um, boat to France?
Um, you off to France, Percy?
[confused] I thought we all were.
No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
[understands] Oh, I see. You've changed your plan.
No, no, not really. The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance. That'll be fine. Harry...?
[In castle dining room, the Queen is eating at one end of a long table, and looks up as she hears her husband's voice as he and Harry spar]
King Richard IV
DIE, YOU TURKISH DOG!!! [the King forces Harry to the table] YOU TURKISH PIG!!!
King Richard IV
[realizes] Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, Harry. You're improving.
Yes, well, thank you, Father. [turns to Queen] Good night, Mother. [leaves]
King Richard IV
He's gaining on me. He's gaining on me! [goes to the other end of the long table]
King Richard IV
Oh, well, well, very well. [picks up a piece of meat, smells it, then calls out] Chiswick, fresh horse! [tosses the meat over his shoulder]
And how are his dear little sheep?
King Richard IV
[confused] Whose sheep?
[A couple of men bring in a huge platter with half a horse's body with legs, cooked, on it]
King Richard IV
What sheep?
Well, the ones at Canterbury, his flock that he was talking about.
King Richard IV
[tears off a whole leg from the horse; rolls his eyes and mutters at his wife's comment] Oh my god...
[Two knights ride up to the castle]
I can't understand it; Edmund doesn't even like religion.
King Richard IV
[chewing the horse leg] That's impossible; he's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy, whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font.
King Richard IV
[using his sword to pick and take some bread from the table] But that was a long time ago.
[The King then laughs and spats out some food. Meanwhile, the knights have ridden into the castle]
King Richard IV
[stands, approaching the Queen] Well, the boy's turned out well. [as a toast] A long and healthy life to him! [smacks his giant cup against the Queen's wine goblet, which breaks. He drinks and goes back to his seat] I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[Two knights finally park their horses]
King Richard IV
Oh, it's something that my ancestor Henry II once said when he having trouble with Thomas á Becket. He was sitting at a table like this with two drunken knights, and he yelled out, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[The two knights make their way inside]
Queen Gertrude: [confused] Er, what?
King Richard IV
[in his sotto voce] God, save us. [the knights finally make it to the doorway of the dining room as he shouts] I said, "WHO WILL RID ME OF THIS TURBULENT PRIEST?"
[The knights look at each other]
King Richard IV
The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course!
[The knights look at each other again with confusion, nod, and leave]
King Richard IV
Well, they went straight off and killed him, of course!
[The knights leave the castle]
[We cut to map room as the King speaks to Lord Chiswick, who again beats on the drum]
King Richard IV
We burst in and slaughter their gizzards. [laughs]
M1Messenger 1
[arrives] My Lord, news...
King Richard IV
What?
M1Messenger 1
The Spanish Infanta has arrived.
King Richard IV
Ah, good news![Messenger 1 leaves] Soon we will have Spain in our grip.
M2Messenger 2
[arrives] My Lord, news...
King Richard IV
What?
M2Messenger 2
The King of France sends his greetings.
King Richard IV
Ah, good news! [Messenger 2 leaves] My diplomacy triumphs.
MMessenger
My Lord, news...
King Richard IV
What?
MMessenger
Lord Wessex is dead.
King Richard IV
[raises his arms in triumph; the messenger raises his own arms too] Ah- [loweres his arms] This news is not so good.
MMessenger
Pardon, My Lord?
King Richard IV
I like it not. Bring me some other news.
MMessenger
Pardon, My Lord?
King Richard IV
I LIKE NOT THIS NEWS! BRING ME SOME OTHER NEWS!!!
MMessenger
Yes, My Lord! [leaves as the King tosses things around angrily. He arrives with more news] My Lord, news...
King Richard IV: What?
MMessenger
Lord Wessex is not dead.
King Richard IV
Ah, good news! [lifts his arms halfway; the messenger does the same] Let there be joy and celebration; let jubilation reign!
King Richard IV
Oh yes, [points at the messenger, who mimics him] and tell Osmund that, to further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.
MMessenger
Yes, My Lord. [leaves]
King Richard IV
[seeing that he broke one of the horse figures in his earlier rampage, tosses it aside] Chiswick, fresh horses!
[Later, outside the Infanta's bedroom; Edmund and Percy are dabbing perfume on Baldrick, who's in a nightshirt]
Please, my lord, I beg you to reconsider.
Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it.
Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral; bury you at sea; say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. That's it. There we are. Go on, in you go. [pats him on the head] Little boy with big job to do...Come on, Percy, let's get the King.
[Edmund leaves. Percy too, but then turns to Baldrick. They shakes hands, then they embrace for a while, Percy is half crying, and half laughing, then leaves. Baldrick enters the bedroom. The room is completely dark, and nothing can be seen]
IInfanta
Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio!
DSDon Speekenglish
Oh Edmund, my love!
[We cut to the map room; Edmund and Percy enter]
King Richard IV
What?
[We cut to the dark bedroom where Baldrick and the Infanta are moaning, then back to the map room]
I bring the gravest of news.
King Richard IV
What? Have our armies at the Rhine been slaughtered to a man, had their heads cut off and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional Swiss manner?
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] No te reprimas, por favor, pequeña.
DSDon Speekenglish
Don't hold back, please, my little one.
King Richard IV
[back in the map room] Then is it news of the Russian royal family, mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing, hunted down, chopped to pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?
IInfanta
[back in the dark bedroom] Ooohhhhh!!!!
DSDon Speekenglish
Securo!
King Richard IV
[back in the map room] Well, what then?
[acting distraught] My lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] Oooooaaahh...
King Richard IV
[back in the map room] Oh, yes, I know that.
IInfanta
[back in the dark room] Mas...
King Richard IV
[back in the map room] Her uncle told me.
DSDon Speekenglish
[back in the dark room] Again please!
King Richard IV
[back in the map room] We took five hundred off the dowry because of it.
King Richard IV
Only one of you has to be a virgin! [Edmund is speechless. Percy looks confused] Anything else?
[Edmund turns away. Percy is about to say something, but Edmund shoos him outside, and follows Percy out]
[In the castle, the King enters the anteroom feeling fine. The Queen's doing some knitting while Leia watches what's going on outside]
King Richard IV
'Morning, my love.
King Richard IV
[chuckles happily] 'Morning, Princess.
King Richard IV
What's going on out there?
Well, Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive, when the doll came along-
Darling, shh, shh, shh. [to her husband] Nothing, my dear. It's all sorted out now.
King Richard IV
Oh, good, good. [leaves]
[The Queen turns, winks and twitches her nose at the camera. Sparkles fly out of her eyes. Leia looks on in surprise. The Black Adder logo comes from her mouth as the closing theme begins]
Blackadder · 193 quotes
