Queen quotes from Blackadder

I bring grave intelligence about your former favourite, Lord Blackadder. He wishes to marry a girl called Bob.

That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth. Or Mary.

Nursie

And Donald.

Mouth is open, Nursie, should be shut.

Nursie

It's true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil.

Then why's your name Nursie?

Nursie

That ain't my real name.

What is your real name?

Nursie

[chuckles] Bernard.

[smiles] Suits you, actually.

Everyone seems to be getting married except me.

Nursie

And me, ma'am.

Oh shut up, Bernard.

Edmund! You're alive!

Oh yes.

And your silly friend.

Percy

[bows] Lord Percy, Ma'am.

And your monkey!

Baldrick

[bows] Your Majesty.

But where is Captain Rum?

Ah, bad news, Milady, Rum is dead.

Percy

Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.

And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.

Nursie

You mean they put him in the pot?!

Yes, your fiancé was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course. [Nursie starts crying again] However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento. [hands Nursie Captain Rum's beard]

Nursie

Oh, my lucky stars! I shall wear it always to remind me of him. [puts the beard on]

[to Lord Melchett] What is it?

A stick.

Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?

Ah, yes, Ma'am. But it is a very special stick, because, when you throw it away, it comes back!

Well, that's no good, is it? Because when I throw things away, I don't want them to come back! [to Percy] You! Get rid of it.

Percy

Certainly, Ma'am. [throws it into the corridor]

I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it.

Quite the wrong impression, ma'am. I just want to make it another night, that's all.

Nursie

Certainly not!

I beg your pardon?

Nursie

Well, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it? Next he'll be trying to get out of having his bath altogether.

He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.

Nursie

Well, he should be. How else is he gonna keep clean? Soon, he'll be saying he doesn't want to have his nappy changed.

Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.

Nursie

Well, in that case, it's even more important that he has a bath.

Shut up, Nursie! [to Blackadder] I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins!

[giving in] Yes, alright! Tonight it is!

[smiles] Oh, Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.

Prince Ludwig

[reading the Queen's reply to his ransom letter] After long and careful deliberation, the Qveen has decided to spend the ransom money on...

"...a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I've decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy jolly time, and try to forget both of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee!"

What?!

Prince Ludwig

"Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee!"

[deep voice] Yo ho ho, off with their heads!

Percy

Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!

[normal voice] Let's bally well hope not, or else I won't be queen anymore.

Prince Ludwig

Ah, Qveen Elizabeth, we meet again.

Um, I don't think so, actually.

Prince Ludwig

Yes, you remember when you were young, and your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yards?

[embarrassed] Yes, yes!

Prince Ludwig

I...I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who held him.

[shocked] No!

Prince Ludwig

Yes!

You?

Prince Ludwig

Uh-huh!

Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot?

Prince Ludwig

NO! No, no, no! You will, all of you, regret the day that you ever mocked my complexion! I shall return and wreak my rewengee! [leaves]

You will die and be dead! [throws a knife at Ludwig offscreen]

Prince Ludwig

[offscreen] Oh!

Percy

Welcome, Edmund. Did you...miss me?

I certainly did. Many is the time I said to myself "I wish Percy was here..."

Percy

[ecstatic] Oh!

"...being tortured instead of me."

Percy

[still ecstatic] Oh, we have missed your wit!

Baldrick

Did you miss me, my lord?

Um...Baldrick, is it?

Baldrick

That's right.

No, not really.

And me? Did you miss me, Edmund?

Madame, life without you was like a broken pencil.

[confused] Explain...?

Pointless.