Lady Whiteadder quotes from Blackadder

Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you again. [kisses her cheeks]

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child, don't lie! Everyone hates us, and you know it!

Er, yes. Uh, may I introduce my friend, Lord Percy.

Percy

Well, well, well, Eddie. You didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like, and I like what I see.

[slaps him on the cheek] Begone, Satan!

Yes, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say "inheritance"? I meant "journey". [enters his room] If you'd just like to help yourselves to a legacy, uh, a chair.

Chair?! You have chairs in your house?!

Oh yes.

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike.

And yourself?

I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance.

Well, quite.

[sits down] We shall suffer comfort this once. We'll just have to stick forks in our legs between courses. I trust you remember we eat no meat?

Heaven forbid! Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip, mashed.

Mashed?!

[uneasily] Yes?

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub! For Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape! I shall have my turnip as God intended.

Fine. Baldrick!

Baldrick

My lord?

Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please.

Baldrick

But we've only got the-

Just do it. [to Lord Whiteadder] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip as God intended?

He will not answer you. He has taken a vow of silence. I believe that silence is golden.

Let us discuss your inheritance.

Ah, yes, good. Um, a little drink first, perhaps?

Drink?! [slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!

No, no, this is only water. This is a house of simple purity.

[stumbles back to the door] Great booze-up, Edmund! [staggers out into the hallway, giving a loud cheer]

Do you know that man?

[quickly] No.

He called you 'Edmund'.

Oh, know him? Oh yes, I do.

Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?

[thinks for nearly a whole minute. Haltingly] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary, and on his last visit abroad, brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness, and he's obviously just woken. Because, as you heard, Great Boo's up.

Percy

Well done, Edmund.

And I think I might just go and visit him. Percy, over to you.

[comes back, now very drunk, and wearing the cardinal's hat] Percy, I lost the bet.

[shocked] Edmund, explain yourself!

I can't. Not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Auntie. Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty! Hehe! And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like, See the little goblin-

I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are grinning inanely, and... [Edmund falls over onto a chair with his back facing the table] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches.

I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder. I have an ostrich feather up my bottom because Mr. Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies. And I'm grinning inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance. Eeheeheeheeheehee!

Is that right?! May I remind you, cursed creature, that your inheritance depends upon not drinking and not gambling!

Oh yes. Damn. Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.

Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

Shove off, you old trout.

[offended] How dare you speak to my husband like that! Nathaniel, we're leaving! [to Percy] And you.

Percy

Yes?

Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile?

Percy

Oh, yes.

Good.

Good riddance, you old witch. [a knock on the door] Oops, she's forgotten her broomstick.

[opens the door; breaking the vow of silence] Look... [looks behind him, then turns back to Blackadder] I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening! Yes, first rate all around. Particularly your jester. By the way, I loved the turnip. [snickers] Very funny. Exactly the same shape as a thingy! [leaves]