Blackadder, Lady Whiteadder and others in “Unfinished Business”

Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you again. [kisses her cheeks]

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child, don't lie! Everyone hates us, and you know it!

Er, yes. Uh, may I introduce my friend, Lord Percy.

Percy

Well, well, well, Eddie. You didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like, and I like what I see.

[slaps him on the cheek] Begone, Satan!

Yes, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say "inheritance"? I meant "journey". [enters his room] If you'd just like to help yourselves to a legacy, uh, a chair.

Chair?! You have chairs in your house?!

Oh yes.

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike.

And yourself?

I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance.

Well, quite.

[sits down] We shall suffer comfort this once. We'll just have to stick forks in our legs between courses. I trust you remember we eat no meat?

Heaven forbid! Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip, mashed.

Mashed?!

[uneasily] Yes?

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub! For Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape! I shall have my turnip as God intended.

Fine. Baldrick!

Baldrick

My lord?

Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please.

Baldrick

But we've only got the-

Just do it. [to Lord Whiteadder] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip as God intended?

He will not answer you. He has taken a vow of silence. I believe that silence is golden.