Melchett quotes from Blackadder

I bring grave intelligence about your former favourite, Lord Blackadder. He wishes to marry a girl called Bob.

That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth. Or Mary.

Nursie

And Donald.

Mouth is open, Nursie, should be shut.

Nursie

It's true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil.

Then why's your name Nursie?

Nursie

That ain't my real name.

What is your real name?

Nursie

[chuckles] Bernard.

[smiles] Suits you, actually.

Baldrick

I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?

Of course not. Who do you think you are, Wat Tyler? You can have the afternoon off when you die, not before.

Baldrick

But I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home. Oh, sir, on a day like today, I feel proud to be a member of the greatest kingdom on earth.

And doubtless many members of the animal kingdom feel the same. [a loud cheer erupts from outside] Look, will you shut up?! Bloody explorers! Ponce off to Mumbo-Jumbo Land and come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and Bob's-your-uncle, everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory! I mean, what about the people that do all the work?

Baldrick

The servants?

No, me! I'm the people who do all the work! I mean, look at this! [holds up a potato] What is it?

Baldrick

I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.

I haven't forgotten, it's a rhetorical question.

Baldrick

Nah, it's a potato.

To you, it's a potato. To me, it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it's luxury estates, fine carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with! He's making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them...they'll be eating them next!

Baldrick

Stranger things have happened, my lord.

[dismissively] Oh, exactly.

Baldrick

That horse becoming Pope.

For one. [knock on the door] Get that, Baldrick. Probably some berk with a parrot on his shoulder selling plaster gnomes of Sir Francis Drake and his Golden Behind.

[offscreen; chanting] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder hears from the window] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder grabs his bow] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder leans out the window] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sour- [Blackadder looses an arrow] Ah! Mummy!

[calling out the window] And another thing; why aren't you at school?!

[enters] Ah, I see you've started talking to yourself, Blackadder.

Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation around here.

Potato?

Thanks, I don't.

[to Lord Melchett] What is it?

A stick.

Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?

Ah, yes, Ma'am. But it is a very special stick, because, when you throw it away, it comes back!

Well, that's no good, is it? Because when I throw things away, I don't want them to come back! [to Percy] You! Get rid of it.

Percy

Certainly, Ma'am. [throws it into the corridor]

Prince Ludwig

Lord Melchett, we meet again.

No, I don't think we had the pleasure.

Prince Ludwig

You do not recognise me then?

...No.

Prince Ludwig

Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you were in Cornwall at the Monastery, there was an old shepard with whom you used to talk?

Good Lord, Jenkins?

Prince Ludwig

Yes. I was one of his sheep!

One of his sheep? [realises what Ludwig is implying] Not...

Prince Ludwig

Yes!

Flossy?!

Prince Ludwig

Yes!

But, didn't we...?!

Prince Ludwig

Yes Lord Melchett! [bleats loudly like a sheep]

Oh my god!

What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

Well, that all depends on whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.

Well, then perhaps some pleasant word game?

Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.

For god's sake, man! We must do something to relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us!

Awaits you, Melchy, not me. How's my beard looking?

Oh, alas! Shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...

And her playful sheep.

Prince Ludwig

My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will ewentually die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your needs. With your information, gentlemen, I intend to overthrow your qveen and country. The Master of Disguise will become The Master of the World!

Yes, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go?

Prince Ludwig

Yes?

Were you ever bullied at school?

Prince Ludwig

What do you mean?

Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.

Prince Ludwig

Nonsense. No, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.

I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year.

Prince Ludwig

[fed up] Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot" again! [leaves]

Touched a nerve there, I think.

What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?!

Don't worry, I have a plan.

Really?

Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should have no trouble overcoming the guards. Germans are sticklers for efficiency, and I've been watching their routine. I have selected the moment when they are at their most vulnerable. That is when we will attack.

Brilliant! How?

That is the most cunning bit.

Baldrick

Sir, it's all over the trenches!

Well, mop it up then!

Baldrick

No sir, the news! The Russian Revolution has started! The masses have risen up and shot all their nobs!

Well, hurrah!

Oh no, the bloody Russians have pulled out of the war!

Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we? Miserable, slant-eyed sausage-eating swine!

The Russians are on our side, George.

[surprised] Are they? Oh.

And they've abandoned the Eastern Front.

Baldrick

And they've overthrown Nicholas II who used to be bizarre!

Who used to be the tsar, Baldrick. The point is that now that the Russians have made peace with the Kaiser, at this very moment a quarter of a million Germans are leaving the Russian Front and coming here with the express purpose of using my nipples for target practice. There's only one thing for it - I'm going to desert, and I'm gonna do it right now. [about to leave]

[showing up, menacingly] Are you leaving us, Blackadder?

[nervously backpedaling] No, sir.

I'm glad to hear it, because I need you to help me shoot some deserters later on. There have been subversive mutterings amongst the men. You'll remember the French Army last year at Verdun when the top echelons suffered tremendous risings from the bottom.

Yes, sir, but surely that was traced to a shipment of garlic eclairs?

Nonsense, Blackadder! It was Bolshiness! Plain Bolshiness! And now that the Ruskies have followed suit, I'm damned if I'm going to let the same thing happen here.

Oh, and what are you going to do about it?

We're going to have a concert party to boost the men's morale.

A concert party? Well, hurrah!

God, it's a spankingly beautiful world, and tonight's my night! I know exactly what I'll say to her. "Darling..."

Yes, sir?

What?

Um...I don't know, sir.

Well, don't butt in! [exhales] "I want to make you happy, darling."

Well, that's very kind of you, sir.

Will you kindly stop interrupting?! If you don't listen, how can you tell me what you think?! "I want to make you happy, darling. I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes. I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper, and then sneeze all over you!"

[appalled]Really, sir! I must protest!

What is the matter with you, Darling?!

Well, it's just all so sudden, sir. I mean the nest bit's fine, but the pepper business is definitely out!

How dare you tell me how I may or may not treat my beloved Georgina!

[confused] Georgina?

Yes! I'm working on what I want to say to her this evening!

[realizes] Oh yes. Of course. Thank god.

Alright?

Yes, sir. I'm listening, sir.

Honestly, Darling, you really are the most graceless dimwitted bumpkin I ever met.

I don't think you should say that to her, sir.

The Germans seem to be able to anticipate our every move. We send up an airplane, there's a Jerry squadron parked behind the nearest cloud. We move troops to Boulogne, the Germans have bought the entire town's supply of lavatory paper. In short, a German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.

You look surprised, Blackadder.

I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise that we had any battle plans.

Well of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?

Our battles are directed, sir?

Well of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the grand plan.

Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except for Field Marshall Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?

[horrified] Great Scott! Even you know it! Guard, guard, bolt all the doors! Hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined!

So, you see, Blackadder, Field Marshal Haig is anxious to eliminate all these German spies.

Filthy Hun weasels fighting their dirty underhand war!

Fortunately, one of our spies...

Splendid fellows! Brave heroes risking life and limb for Blighty!

...has discovered that the leak is coming from the field hospital.

You think there's a German spy in the field hospital? I think you might be right.

Your job, Blackadder, is to root this spy out. How long do you think you'll need?

[checks his wristwatch] Mmm...

You'll have to be away from the trenches for some time.

Six months?

Too bad, Blackadder, you've got three weeks.

Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out. Use any method you see fit. Personally, I recommend you get hold of a cocker spaniel, tie your suspect to a chair with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two floury baps and shout "Dinnertime, Fido!". If you are successful, I shall need you back here permanently to head up my new security network, Operation: Winkle.

'Winkle'?

Yes. To winkle out the spies.

You never mentioned this to me, sir!

Well, we have to have some secrets, don't we, Darling?

Right, well, I'll be back in three weeks.

Excellent! And if you come back with the information, Captain Darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.

Not while I have my strength, he won't. [takes back his pistol from Darling and leaves.]

Damnation, sir, his insolence makes my blood boil! What's more, I don't trust him, sir. I think it would be best if I went to the hospital myself to keep an eye on him

What, spy on our own spy as he searches for their spy? Yes, why not? Sounds rather fun. You'll have to go undercover.

Oh, definitely, sir.

And you'll need some kind of wound. A convincing wound.

Naturally, sir.

Yes, that looks quite convincing.

Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.

And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.

I'm glad I saw you; I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned Christmas. So I wouldn't get her a present this year.

Oh, I'm indebted to you for that advice, Blackadder, and I shall, of course, follow it to the letter...[under his breath as he walks away] the day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.

[jubilant] Ha! Got him with my subtle plan!

Baldrick

I can't see any subtle plan.

Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle Plans are Here Again!". It what we call a double bluff. Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him. He'll go get an enormous present, bring it to the Queen, and [makes throat cutting motion and sound]

Baldrick

What, he'll turn into a duck?

Yes...

Nursie

Pity about this, tinky-wink; you always used to love this time of year!

I know. Leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas, and then scoffing it, because I was a princess and could do what I bloody well liked!

Nursie

And wondering if your father's wife would last until Boxing Day without having her head cut off.

We knew if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be alright.

Nursie

Happy days!

Yes. Maybe I was a little rash. [Blackadder and Melchett enter the throne room] Ah boys, welcome back! But Melchie, what have you got under your coat? [Blackadder smiles to himself] It's not a present, is it?

A present, Majesty? But of course! [pulls out an elaborate, bejewelled crown] You're so painfully transparent, Blackadder.

[smugly] Am I?

[delighted] Oh, that's fab, I love presents! [Blackadder rolls his eyes at her mercurialness, while she turns to Melchett] You know, for a moment I took against Christmas, but I'm completely dippy about it again. In fact, I'd like to marry you! [Blackadder looks shocked] ...If you weren’t as unattractive as a giant slug! [she and Melchett laugh]

Oh pish, Majesty!

But anyway, to reward you, I'm going to give you lots of presents! Fancy a castle?

Well, Windsor, Majesty?

Title?

Duke of Kent?

Anything else?

Well, a devilish saucy wife would be fun.

Lady Jane Pottle!

[gleeful] Oh yummy!

I think she's Blackadder's girl at the moment, but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky?

[clearly seething] No, ma'am, of course not. And perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen?!

Oh, I don't think we need go that far, Blackadder...

[sarcastic] Oh, too kind!

No, Aylesbury's quite far enough.

Super. Well done, Melchy. Now, Blackadder, what have you got me?

[having destroyed her Christmas present] Um...

I WANT A PREZZIE! Give me something nice and shiny, and if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you: it's called AN AXE!