Captain Rum quotes from Blackadder

Captain Rum

AAAAA-aaaa-AA-aaaa-AAA-a-AAAAARGH...me laddie!

Ehehehe, indeed. So, Rum. I wish to hire you and your ship. Can we shake on it?

Captain Rum

[shakes hands with Blackadder] AH! You have a woman's hands, m'Lord! I'll wager those dainty pinkies have never weighed anchor in a storm!

Well, you're right there.

Captain Rum

[pinches Blackadder's cheek and gasps] You have a woman's skin, m'lord! I'll wager that skin has ne'er felt the lash of the cat, been rubbed with salt and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy!

It's uncanny, I don't know how you do you it but you're right again.

Captain Rum

Why should I let a stupid cockerel like you aboard me boat?

Perhaps for the monies in my purse?

Captain Rum

Haha- [gasp] You have a woman's purse, m'lord! I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing boat! I'll wager it's never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it!

Yes, right again, Rum. I must say when it comes to tales of courage I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut!

Captain Rum

AH! You have a woman's mouth, m'lord! I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish!

I must say, when I came to see you, I had no idea I was going to have to eat your ship as well as hire it. And since you're clearly as mad as a mongoose I'll bid you farewell.

Captain Rum

Damn courtiers to the Queen! You're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl!

Better a lapdog to a slip of a girl than a...git!

Captain Rum

AHA! So you do have some spunk in you! Don't worry, laddie. I'll come!

Well, let us set sail at once. I shall fetch my first mate and return as fast as my legs will carry me!

Captain Rum

AH! You have a woman's legs, m'lord! I'll wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail and swept into the sea before your very eyes!

Well, neither have yours.

Captain Rum

That's where you're wrong! [flips over the table to show his legs end in two stumps]

[annoyed] Oh my god...

Captain Rum

No point changing your mind now. No one else'll come. The whole thing's suicide anyway. What's the first mate's name?

Percy.

Captain Rum

A nautical cove?

Yes. Well, he's a sort of wet fish.

Captain Rum

AaaaAAA-ha!

Ha-a-a-ha!

Baldrick

Ha-aaa-aaaa-ha!

Not joining us in the ha-has, Percy?

Percy

[despondant] No. I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.

Oh God, I didn't know you had a girl.

Percy

Oh yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.

Caroline? I didn't know you knew her.

Percy

Oh yes. I even touched her once.

Touched her what?

Percy

No, once, in a corridor.

I've never heard it called that before. Still, when you get home in six months, you'll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.

Percy

I fear not.

Why not?

Percy

[hysterical] Because we'll never get home! We're doomed! Doomed! Condemned to a watery grave by a legless captain!

Captain Rum

Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!

Percy

No, I mean you haven't got any legs.

Captain Rum

Oh yes. You're right there. Carry on. Sorry.

Percy

[despondant] Oh, God. We've no hope. No hope of ever returning.

On the contrary, we are certain to return.

Percy

Why?

Because, me old salts, we are not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all.

[shocked] What?!

We are, in fact, going to France.

[shocked] France?!

Percy

Oh, but, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered. By the French, for a start.

Well, precisely, it's a trick! We just camp down in the Dordogne for six months, get a good suntan, come home, pretend we've been 'round the Cape and get all the glory.

Percy

Hooray!

Captain Rum

A masterly plan, me young master! And one that leads me to make an announcement meself.

What's that, Rum?

Captain Rum

Truth is...I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.

Well, what were you going to do?

Captain Rum

Oh, what I usually do - sail 'round and 'round the Isle of Wight 'til everyone gets dizzy, then sail for home.

You old rascal! Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. [gets to his feet and raises his mug] Captain, set sail for France!

Hooray!

[slowly] So you don't know the way to France either.

Captain Rum

No! I must confess that too.

Bugger.

Look, there's no need to panic. Someone in the crew will know how to steer this thing.

Captain Rum

The crew, milord?

Yes, the crew.

Captain Rum

What crew?

I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice for a ship to have a crew.

Captain Rum

Opinion is divided on the subject.

Really?

Captain Rum

Yarrs. All the other captains say it is, I say it isn't.

Oh God, mad as a brush.