Nursie quotes from Blackadder

I bring grave intelligence about your former favourite, Lord Blackadder. He wishes to marry a girl called Bob.

That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth. Or Mary.

Nursie

And Donald.

Mouth is open, Nursie, should be shut.

Nursie

It's true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil.

Then why's your name Nursie?

Nursie

That ain't my real name.

What is your real name?

Nursie

[chuckles] Bernard.

[smiles] Suits you, actually.

Everyone seems to be getting married except me.

Nursie

And me, ma'am.

Oh shut up, Bernard.

Edmund! You're alive!

Oh yes.

And your silly friend.

Percy

[bows] Lord Percy, Ma'am.

And your monkey!

Baldrick

[bows] Your Majesty.

But where is Captain Rum?

Ah, bad news, Milady, Rum is dead.

Percy

Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.

And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.

Nursie

You mean they put him in the pot?!

Yes, your fiancé was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course. [Nursie starts crying again] However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento. [hands Nursie Captain Rum's beard]

Nursie

Oh, my lucky stars! I shall wear it always to remind me of him. [puts the beard on]

I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it.

Quite the wrong impression, ma'am. I just want to make it another night, that's all.

Nursie

Certainly not!

I beg your pardon?

Nursie

Well, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it? Next he'll be trying to get out of having his bath altogether.

He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.

Nursie

Well, he should be. How else is he gonna keep clean? Soon, he'll be saying he doesn't want to have his nappy changed.

Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.

Nursie

Well, in that case, it's even more important that he has a bath.

Shut up, Nursie! [to Blackadder] I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins!

[giving in] Yes, alright! Tonight it is!

[smiles] Oh, Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.

Nursie

Pity about this, tinky-wink; you always used to love this time of year!

I know. Leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas, and then scoffing it, because I was a princess and could do what I bloody well liked!

Nursie

And wondering if your father's wife would last until Boxing Day without having her head cut off.

We knew if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be alright.

Nursie

Happy days!

Yes. Maybe I was a little rash. [Blackadder and Melchett enter the throne room] Ah boys, welcome back! But Melchie, what have you got under your coat? [Blackadder smiles to himself] It's not a present, is it?

A present, Majesty? But of course! [pulls out an elaborate, bejewelled crown] You're so painfully transparent, Blackadder.

[smugly] Am I?

[delighted] Oh, that's fab, I love presents! [Blackadder rolls his eyes at her mercurialness, while she turns to Melchett] You know, for a moment I took against Christmas, but I'm completely dippy about it again. In fact, I'd like to marry you! [Blackadder looks shocked] ...If you weren’t as unattractive as a giant slug! [she and Melchett laugh]

Oh pish, Majesty!

But anyway, to reward you, I'm going to give you lots of presents! Fancy a castle?

Well, Windsor, Majesty?

Title?

Duke of Kent?

Anything else?

Well, a devilish saucy wife would be fun.

Lady Jane Pottle!

[gleeful] Oh yummy!

I think she's Blackadder's girl at the moment, but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky?

[clearly seething] No, ma'am, of course not. And perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen?!

Oh, I don't think we need go that far, Blackadder...

[sarcastic] Oh, too kind!

No, Aylesbury's quite far enough.

Super. Well done, Melchy. Now, Blackadder, what have you got me?

[having destroyed her Christmas present] Um...

I WANT A PREZZIE! Give me something nice and shiny, and if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you: it's called AN AXE!

Hail Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe!

And hail to you, my Triple-Husbandoid! I summon you here to group-greet our swift imperial navies home. Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob!

[approaches] Morning.

To you, Blackadder - thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouser-Pod - this much greeting.

I, too, bold navigator, cringe my dribblies at your resplendent pofflesnu!

Yes, well, that won’t be necessary, thank you.

Approach your slave: Baldrick!

For God's sake, Baldrick, if you're going to wear that ridiculous jockstrap, at least keep your legs together.

Baldrick

[stands and salutes] Wilco, skipper!

Majesties, I give you this much greeting.

What news of the foul Malmydons?

Scattered to the Nine Vectors, My Lord.

And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatican Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast's nobbo?

...Well, they're all dead, if that's what you mean.

Plus, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?

No, My Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibblies because you just made them up.

Dammit!

[laughs] Excellent, Commander! You have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset pouch. Now, bring forth the gift with which you honour me.

Majesties, from a place where the stars begin and end, I bring you this. [holds up a crystal sceptre]

Nursie

Ooh, lovely, an ashtray!

Come, Majesty, he wastes our time!

Yes, send him to the Sprouting Chamber!

No, wait! What is it, Commander?

Well, I'll show you, shall I? [a blinding light shoots out of the scepter, and when it clears, Queen Asphyxia is left alone on the throne. He then hands the sceptre to Baldrick and approaches the queen] And now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist that you hand over to me supreme command of the universe, sew a button on my spare uniform and marry me this afternoon.

[eagerly] I thought you'd never ask.