Ebenezer Blackadder quotes from Blackadder

Well, baste my steaming puddings!

Well, peel my tangerines!

[shouts from outside] HUMBUG! HUMBUG! [enters his shop, holding a paper bag of humbug sweets] Humbug, Mr. Baldrick?

Baldrick

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, I've got all the presents.

Baldrick

And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards.

Oh, splendid! Let's see..."A Very Messy Christmas". I'm sorry, Mr. Baldrick, shouldn't that be 'Merry'?

Baldrick

"A Merry, Messy Christmas"? Alright, but the main thing is it should be messy - messy cake, soggy pudding, great big wet kisses under the mistletoe.

Yes. I do fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet. Be that as it may, A Merry, Messy Christmas. "Christmas" has an 'H' in it, Mr Baldrick.

Baldrick

Oh.

And an 'R'. And an 'I', and an 'S'. Also a 'T', an 'M', an 'A', and another 'S'. Oh, and you've missed out the 'C' at the beginning. Congratulations, Mr. Baldrick, something of a triumph, I believe. You must be the first person ever to spell "Christmas" without getting any of the letters right at all.

Baldrick

Well, I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out with the Workhouse Nativity Play.

Oh, of course! How did it go?

Baldrick

Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!

Oh dear. This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's entertainment. What on earth did you do?

Baldrick

Got another Jesus.

Oh, thank goodness. And his name?

Baldrick

Spot. There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.

Oh dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was 'Woof'.

Baldrick

Well, it went alright 'til the shepherds came on. See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool-

On some other dogs.

Baldrick

Right. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away! While the angel's singing, Jesus scampers across the floor and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride.

Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the Son of God, Mr Baldrick. Weren't the children upset?

Baldrick

Nah, they loved it. They want us to do another one at Easter - they want to see us nail up the dog.

Ah, the playful young scamps, eh? Still, what a lovely thought it is: at this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to the lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas.

Ah, excellent. What a splendid spread - nuts, turkey and presents. What more could a man desire at Christmas?

Baldrick

Well, a tree.

Oh, of course! I quite forgot. I dropped by Mr Thitwhistle's Garden Emporium, and, I think you'll agree, got quite a bargain on this special Christmas twig.

Baldrick

It's a bit of a tiddler, innit?

Yes, but size isn't important, my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it. [places the twig in a candlestick holder] Besides, look. We've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks.

Baldrick

How much is it?

Seventeen pounds and a penny.

Baldrick

It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.

Well, yes, but in the Feeling-Good ledger of life, we are rich indeed.

Baldrick

I just wish we weren't doing so well in the Bit-Short-Of-Prezzies-And-Being-A-Guillible-Prat ledger.

Ah, Mrs Scratchit! Greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve.

Oh, Mr Blackadder! How can I be merry when we are so poor? We shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day, except what Grandfather can scrape from under his big toenails. No goose for Tiny Tom this year!

Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy. If he eats any more heartily he will turn into a pie shop.

Good grief!

Horrible, eh? What a pig!

Yes, but, clearly, quite a clever, charming pig. Er, but, no, his behaviour was disgraceful.

Aye, you're a great improvement on them all. You're a good boy!

'Them'? Are there more?

Oh, yes. Have a shufti at this. [starts the next vision]

Very amusing!

In what way?

Um, the wigs. Very amusing wigs. But his behaviour, as you say, disgraceful. But...but he actually got the presents?

[haltingly] Y-Yes.

So there is something to be made out of being bad?

Technically. Technically, yes. But that's not the point, is it? It's the soul. The soul.

As a matter of interest, what would happen in the future if I was bad?

Erm...heavens, is that the time? I really must be off!

I'd love to see Christmas Future!

Oh no, you wouldn't. It's terribly melodramatic.

Look, just show it. Please?

Alright. [halfheartedly begins the next vision]

So one way, it's glory everlasting, the other, it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch.

Well, it's not so simplistic, but it does at least point to a very clear lesson.

Namely?

Namely that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it.

You don't think it points to the very clear lesson that bad guys have all the fun?

No, absolutely not! The rewards of virtue are infinitely more attractive. Picture it - quiet evenings in your hovel alone. A bible. Your own turnip.

Oh, well, that makes all the difference.

So you're going to be a good boy then?

Oh, absolutely. [the spirit looks at him suspiciously] Would I lie to you?

Baldrick

Mr. Blackadder? [comes into the room holding his sock] Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year.

Oh, dear me, [takes the sock] but don't be too unhappy. [puts his hand into the sock] Because if you look very carefully there's something in this stocking from me. In fact, it's something I made for you.

Baldrick

Well that's the kind of present that shows the most love. What did you make for me, Mr. B?

I've made you...[holds out his fist] a fist.

Baldrick

A fist?

Yes, it's for hitting. [punches Baldrick in the face] What's wonderful about it is that you can use it again. [punches Baldrick again] And again. [punches Baldrick again] And again. [punches Baldrick again] Well, what do you say?

Baldrick

Thank you, Mr. B.

[puts his fist back into the sock] Think nothing of it, Baldrick. I after all think nothing of you. [punches Baldrick again]

[knocks on the window] Oi, gitface! How 'bout a penny for the season?

Hark! Do I hear the voice of a darling little cherub at the window? [walks over and opens the window, causing the boy to fall to the ground with a scream] No, I must have imagined it.

Baldrick

Shall I get that, sir?

No, Baldrick, leave them out in the snow until I get dressed. I'll only be about forty minutes.

Compliments of the season, sir. We have come to sing merrily and to make you a gift of a small pudding. Three, four!

[singing]

[smiles, claps his hand four times] Utter crap.

Thank you very much, sir.

Do we get a Christmas treat now?

Yes, indeed, you do.

What is it?

It's...a door in the face. Here you are. [slams the door shut]

Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker - one massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off. [unsure of how to make of this, Milicent and Ralph respond with their ear-grating, joyful, cackling laughter] Shut up!

[shocked] Oh, Mr. Blackadder, what's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the...the horridest man in the world!

Baldrick

I was thinking the same thing.

[smacks Baldrick on the back of the head] When spoken to. [to Milicent] I would explain, my dear, but I fear you wouldn't understand, blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book.