Ploppy quotes from Blackadder

And you are?

Gaoler, sir! My Lord.

Very good! And your name is?

Ploppy, sir.

Ploppy?

That's right, sir.

Ploppy...the gaoler.

That's right, sir! Ploppy, son of Ploppy.

Ploppy, son of Ploppy the gaoler.

Arr no, sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be gaoler. My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the Slopper. It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.

Yes you are to be congratulated, Ploppy. We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace and yet you are without doubt, Ploppy, the most repulsive individual I've had the pleasure of meeting. I'd shake your hand but I fear it would come off.

There's no many bosses that'd be that considerate, sir.

Now then, woman - if indeed, you are a woman - what is your function on Death Row?

I'm the last meal cook, sir. The prisoners may ask me for what they fancy for their last meal.

And you cook for them what they desire?

Oh, yes sir...provided what they ask for is sausages. Otherwise, they tend to get a tiny bit disappointed; sausages is all I got.

You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion, Mistress...ah...

Ploppy, sir.

Ah, so you are married to...? [gestures towards Ploppy the gaoler]

No, no.

No, many people think that, but it's pure coincidence. We did laugh when first we found out! "Good morning, Mistress Ploppy", he'd say, and I'd say "good morning..."

[in unison] "...Mr. Ploppy!" [both laugh]

The long winter evenings must just fly by.

Ah, and you must be the boy who makes the tea.

Oh no, sir! He's the executioner...but, he does sometimes make the tea.

Yes, and your name is...?

Baldrick

Baldrick, my lord. [Blackadder lifts the executioner's hood to reveal Baldrick's face] But I'll change it to Ploppy if it'll make things easier.

No thank you, I can cope with more than one name. What are you doing here?

Baldrick

Well... [shrugs] it's a hobby.

It would be more fun, sir, if he were to change his name. Give the place a more family atmosphere.

A "family atmosphere"?! This is meant to be a place of pain and misery and sorrow!

That's what I mean, sir.

Ah, Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist, sir.

Right, Baldrick, is that all clear?

Baldrick

Yes. Um, I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed, and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.

I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.

Baldrick

Oh. Why do I want a bag on my head?

In order, nincompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.

Baldrick

What, did he used to wear a bag on his head?

Young Ploppy here has a point, my lord. Lord Farrow never wore a bag. He was an old-fashioned sort of a gent.

Percy

Well, yes, my lord. I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it, but I had been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!

Look, cretins, the bag is there to conceal Baldrick's own features, and many might think, incidentally, that that might be reason enough for him to wear it! Before I bring in Lady Farrow, I shall explain to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat to Baldrick, imagining him to be the man she married, and the Queen need never know of my little miscalculation.

Why, my lord, that is a brilliant plan.

Percy

Foolproof.

You're very kind.

Although, there is something lurking in the back of my head that bothers me...

It's probably a flea.