Scenes with Baldrick 90
[On August 21st, 1485, the Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field, the feast was held]
RDRichard, Duke of York
[bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king!
[stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell!
[The assembled nobles cheer, the loudest coming from a nobleman sitting at the very end of the table]
[stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray!
RDRichard, Duke of York
I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that?
He's your other son, my lord.
RDRichard, Duke of York
It is my other son, my lord.
Fights he with us on the morrow?
RDRichard, Duke of York
[to Harry] What's his name?
RDRichard, Duke of York
[to Edmund] EDNA? Fight you with us on the morrow?
Um, oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy. [realizing what he has just said, he shrinks down into his chair]
You're, uh, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
RDRichard, Duke of York
No, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.
RDRichard, Duke of York
Precisely.
[The king smiles and waves at Edmund]
[under his breath] What a little turd.
Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?
BaldrickI saw it, my lord.
And what is your name, little fellow?
Baldrick
My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Then I shall call you... Baldrick.
Baldrick
And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, me lad. How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?
[Baldrick kneels before Edmund]
[condescending] It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Baldrick
With you at the helm, my lord, we cannot lose.
[condescending] Well, we could if we wanted to.
Ah, but we won't, Percy. And I shall prove to all that I am a man!
But how shall it be proved, Percy?
Well, when they look up that tree in Rutland.
[hits Percy on the head] It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!
Baldrick
Hooray!
Come, a toast. Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow! Hooray! [the three men raise and then down their goblets] Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.
[Now we cut to the long shot of a rise. On it we see a silhouette of Edmund on horseback. Following him at a distance is Baldrick on muleback]
Baldrick
My Lord...
Baldrick
Where is this battle, then?
Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field... [they ride off to the right of the shot. Suddenly, we see Baldrick going the other way, followed by Edmund] Damn, damn, damn! The first decent battle since I reached puberty...
[We dissolve to Edmund and Baldrick, riding together, up a rise leading to the valley]
Baldrick
Here we are, My Lord...
Onward, Baldrick! To glory!
[Over the top of the rise we now can see banners clashing together. Edmund stops his horse at the top]
[feeling uncomfortable] Y-yes, um, I'm not so sure we're needed here, Baldrick. I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn't it? Everyone's fighting. Clearly having the time of their lives. Why, some people over there aren't fighting. They're just lying down.
Baldrick
They're dead, my lord.
[feeling sick] Ah, yes. [wriggling on his saddle] Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something. Will you excuse me for a minute, Baldrick? [rides his horse up to the tree]
[Just away from the battle, King Richard III on foot meets his nephew Richard, Duke of York on his horseback]
RDRichard, Duke of York
Your Majesty, you've lost your steed. Take mine!
No, no, no. [proudly] I've won the battle! I've saved the kingdom! I think I can find myself a horse.
RDRichard, Duke of York
How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle!
So be it! [as Richard, Duke of York leaves on his horse, he walks along] A horse! [whistling a call] A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [he stops by a tree, and sees Edmund's horse] Ah, horsie!
[As he approaches the horse and starts untying the reins from the tree, Edmund, who was urinating himself behind a nearby bush, sees him]
[to himself] Who is this? [drawing his sword] Wait, that's my horse! [swings his sword, and chops off the King's head. He laughs] There, that'll teach you! [picks up the helmeted head] You won't be doing that again, now will you? [lifts the helmet’s face shield] Oh, my god. It's Uncle Richard. [screams in horror]
Baldrick
[runs up to Edmund, after parking his mule by the tree] What's that, my lord? [a frightened Edmund tosses the head to him, he catches it with a chuckle. As he lifts the face shield, his smile dissolves] Oh, dear. Richard III. (to Edmund) What are you going to do?!
[rapidly] Well, quick, quick... [he turns the body over, takes the head back and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it steady. He moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest. Baldrick for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body through the face shield]
Baldrick
[points to something off-screen] My lord! That hut there!
[They each grab two legs and drag the body away, but the head is accidentally left behind]
[They enter a small cottage. Baldrick dragging the body. Edmund enters, carrying a gauntlet]
[still entering] Come on! Come on! Will you wait! Will you wait! [Baldrick collapses exhausted on the corpse while he closes the door] Ah, well done... [sit on a barrel, then notices that something's missing] Where's the head?
Baldrick
I thought you had it.
Baldrick, I can't be expected to carry everything!
[They hear someone approaching. Edmund cowers; Baldrick prepares to strike down the intruder with some sort of blunt object. The door opens, and Percy enters with the same decapitated head]
[annoyed] Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute! Where have you been?!
I've just proved that I'm a man! Look what I've found! [holds up the head]
[relieved] Oh, thank God! Quick, Percy, quick, put it down and let's get out of here!
No no no no! I found it! It's mine!
What do you mean it's yours? [tries to take it from Percy]
[defensively] I'm going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!
[stops trying to take the head] And which nobleman, pray...?
Er... [looks under the face shield, and laughs nervously] Well, it's the King, actually!
[Edmund stares at Percy, who tosses the head to Edmund, who tosses it to Baldrick, who tosses it in the barrel. They are about to leave, but a bloodied, armored man staggers in]
HTHenry Tudor
Lost! Lost! All is lost! [collapses to the floor]
HTHenry Tudor
Flee! Flee!
Oh my god! Quick, let's get out of here!
HTHenry Tudor
Take me with you! [grabs one of Edmund legs]
[Percy feebly helps in this process]
HTHenry Tudor
If you leave me alone here, I'll die.
If you don't leave me alone, I'll kill you myself! [Baldrick bops the man on the head with his blunt object. The man falls to one side] Now, leave him here, come on! [he, Baldrick, and Percy make their way out]
HTHenry Tudor
I'll give you money! Ten thousand sovereigns! [collapses]
[The door opens, and Percy's head pokes in.]
[We cut to an inner hallway. Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter, laughing]
Baldrick
Very witty, My Lord.
Very, very, very witty, My Lord.
Baldrick
You're certainly wittier than your father.
And head and shoulders over Richard III!
[annoyed] Is that supposed to be witty?!
Er...No, my lord. Th-that was an example of the sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to.
BPBaldrick and Percy
Yes, my lord. [leave]
[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the Turks.
As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!" [laughs]
He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead.
...And his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.
[to Edmund] Edward... [he rode off with his men]
Baldrick
My lord, with the king gone...
Hmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! [laughs in his ridiculous-sounding evil way]
[Opening theme]
[We cut to room in the castle]
[standing by the fire, reading a note] Splendid! Splendid!
[Edmund enters the adjacent hallway]
[to sheep] Now look, you're not supposed to be here. That's far enough, now get out! [shuts door, and begins to walk down the hallway, shivering] If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry...
Ah, Edmund! [Edmund stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of a wall] Edmund? [Edmund reappears, in the next doorway] Ah, there you are. Splendid news, Edmund. Father's coming home! He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate both events together! Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the guards of honor, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort out the frolics.
[to his dismay] The frolics?
Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women, you know: the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments. Oh damnation, though, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains. Edmund, you'll have to look into those as well.
[shivering from the cold] Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I'd, I'd be honored.
Good. You won't let me down, now, will you?
No, no, no, no. I'm, I'm really looking forward to it already. Thank you so very much.
Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits, and now this. The bastard. The bastard!
Baldrick
[appears next to Edmund] If only he were, my lord.
Baldrick
If only he were a bastard, my lord. Then you would be regent now.
[appears next to Edmund and Baldrick] You would be king, my lord.
Ah, yes, yes. I would be king! And then what?
BPBaldrick & Percy
You'd rule the world, my lord!
PPrince
Precisely! It's just not fair, you know. Every other damn woman in the court has bastards, but not my mother, oh no. She's so damn pure, she hate to look down in case she notices her own breasts.
[We cut to Edmund's bedroom where Baldrick is in a dress and wig, twirling around in front of Percy, who nodded. Then Edmund enters in anger]
I'm gonna kill him, and I'm gonna kill him now!
That stinking Scottish weasel!
Baldrick
Why, My Lord?
Because he's a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that's why! [goes to get a knife]
Baldrick
Where?
In the Great Hall and in the bladder! [begins to sharpen a knife]
But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something?
Ah, yes, a drawback. Yes...Perhaps we need something a little more cunning.
Baldrick
I have a cunning plan.
Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.
Baldrick
Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord.
Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.
Baldrick
Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.
Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean?
Baldrick
Well, mine's quite cunning, My Lord.
[fed up] Alright, then, let's hear it! Let's hear what's so damn cunning!
Baldrick
Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you–
[sarcastically] Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come with me and then-then stab him, perhaps. How cunning can you get?
Baldrick
No, My Lord. You get this enormous great cannon–
[as though the idea is ridiculous] Oh, I see, I take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.
Baldrick
[simultaneously] Blow it off! Yeah!
Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's [thinks about it] ...that's a wonderful idea. [looking at the paper] No. I think I have a plan that will give us a little more...entertainment. [laughs]
[Then they hear a noise outside. Edmund looks out the window, and saw McAngus leaving. Then he leaves his room to follow him]
[Later, McAngus shows the letters to Edmund, who laughs triumphantly]
Good, excellent! It's certainly my mother's handwriting. When did you say these were written?
The year my brother was born... [laughs] Baldrick, get in here! [Baldrick enters] Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.
Baldrick
Why?
"Why"? Because I told you to, you silly little rat!
Baldrick
No, why have they been cancelled, My Lord?
Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to make. [laughs]
Baldrick
Does that mean I have to take the dress off?
Oh, get out, get out, get out! Out, out, out, out!
[As Baldrick left, McAngus reaches between Baldrick's legs from behind]
You know, if you played your cards right, you could become King.
Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father, he'd just charged into Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.
Aye. Ten thousand of the Turks were there armed with scimitars, and your father with a small knife for peelin' fruit.
[Edmund can barely contain himself, covering his mouth as he giggles]
[That night, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick sit before a fire]
Who do you think will take over?
Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine. They tend to go for religious types.
Baldrick
Rumor has it, my lord, that the King wants to choose Prince Harry.
[not paying much attention to Baldrick] Oh really?
Baldrick
[driving home the point] Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord...?
[perked up] Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?
Yes! They go to Canterbury.
No no no no no no no! [makes a quacking noise as he runs his finger across his throat]
Oh yes! [makes the same sound and gesture; he and Edmund laugh]
Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?
Baldrick
Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.
Oh yes! She's quite reliable! Well! With Harry gone, [all three do throat-cutting finger gestures; Edmund stands, they do too] the Black Adder will be...
PBPercy and Baldrick
King!...Next.
Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far. Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremonies.
[bows] Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord?
...And codpiece, my lord?
Well, let's go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy! [laughs ridiculously]
[We cut to the court where Edmund wears a ridiculous metal helmet, an enormous protruding black codpiece, and pointed black boots with little chains going from the calves to the toes]
Have you heard any more good rumors, Baldrick?
Baldrick
Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no.
[Edmund looked over at some clergymen and smiled. They stared at his codpiece, almost in fright. The Queen arrived]
[disgusted] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?
Well, this enormous nonsense here! [taps his codpiece with a boing sound effect, and walks away. Harry sees this and shakes his head. Then fanfare begins]
[to his friends] Fingers crossed...
Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. [there is a murmuring among those gathered] May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
[to his friends] Fat chance!
I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... [Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points toward Harry]...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! [Edmund is terrified] Archbishop, we salute thee.
[Everyone kneels before Edmund, except Percy]
[shakes hands with Edmund] Congratulations, my lord!
[Edmund shakes him free before Percy kneels. The clergymen, kneeling, are face-to-codpiece with Edmund. He put his hands over it, but it's too large to conceal. He takes one of the clergymen's hats and hangs it on the codpiece. He then turns around and nearly hit Baldrick in the face with the codpiece]
[Edmund and Baldrick are walking outside]
Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?
Baldrick
I don't know, My Lord, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other.
[Suddenly, an armored man delivers a scroll to Edmund]
Oh my God, this is it! Baldrick, go and get my Lord Bishop of Ramsgate!
Baldrick
Eh?
Get Percy! Get Percy! [sees the spikes on the man's helmet] My life is hanging by a thread!
[He, Percy and Baldrick set out on horseback]
[Inside the nunnery, they find the bedroom empty apart from three nuns praying at another altar-thing]
Little sisters of indolence, three men came in. Which way did they go?
[covering his mouth; speaks falsetto] Oh, I think they went that way.
[They begin to walk away]
JJustin
Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. Quick! In here. [motions to one of the bed areas]
[Edmund, Percy, and Baldrick begin walking away, but run into the knights, who are also dressed as nuns. All five giggle like girls, covering their mouths, particularly Justin, who has a full beard]
Baldrick
[falsetto] Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way?
[falsetto] No, Sister. More's the pity, eh?
[Justin looks at George, a bit shocked]
JJustin
[falsetto, to Baldrick] Why don't you try that way?
[normally] Thank you very much.
JJustin
[normally] You're welcome.
[The two parties turn away, but then pause, and realize who the other group is, draw swords and begin fighting, except Baldrick, who doesn't have a sword]
[Elsewhere in the nunnery, the Mother Superior and Sister Sara are walking through the hallways]
SSSister Sara
And yet, Mother Superior... [back to the fight for one second] ...does not St. Paul say in the Ephesians... [back to the fight for one second] "A woman is like a bat..." [back to the fight for one second] "...often heard but never seen"? [back to the fight for one second]
No, I don't think so, Sara. [back to the fight for one second] Shall we check the dormitory?
SSSister Sara
[smiles] Oh, yes, Mother Superior. What a good idea.
[In the dormitory, Percy holds his own sword as well as Edmund's, while George just hits each sword, not making much effort to actually hit Percy. Edmund knocks over Justin, whose sword is stuck in one of the wooden partitions, and climbs on top of him. Baldrick, meanwhile, has found himself on top of a real nun in one of the beds. The Mother Superior and Sister Sara enter]
[fuming] Girls! Girls! Girls! [Percy and George drop the swords and jump into the beds] If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden! Who is the ringleader here? [looks and points at Edmund] You! Yes, you. The plain girl. [takes off headgear] Oh my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
SSSister Sara
[removes Justin's headgear] And a man! [screams]
Er, I think I can explain. [laughs uneasily]
[We cut to Edmund's room where Percy sits alone, holding his head as though in pain; Edmund and Baldrick rush in]
Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! [locks the door]
Baldrick
But, my lord, you can't just lock her out, you know.
Well, you may be right. [pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal spikes coming out] That should hold her for at least a minute!
Wait a moment, my lord! I think I have a plan which could get you out of this mess.
Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it.
Oh, yes. Yes, maybe you're right.
But tell me what it is anyway!
Ah, no, actually, I don't think I will, my lord.
Please, Percy, tell me what your plan is! Please tell me!
[enjoying seeing Edmund grovel, and chuckles to himself] Alright! I go to the Infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then, this is the cunning part, instead of saying 'oink, oink', you say 'Moo!'
Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave!
[gestures in Percy's direction, and when Percy looks behind him, he slaps Percy on the cheek] You're right, you shouldn't have bothered.
Baldrick
My lord...
Baldrick
I also have a plan. Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
Baldrick
No, no, my lord. I mean, erm, the, er, intimate company of men...
[horrified] You don't mean...like the Earl of Doncaster...?
Baldrick
I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.
That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was 17.
Baldrick
Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?
Well, no-one wou- [understanding] Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster!...except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?
Baldrick
Well, first we've got to get you looking right. Just need to drape something effeminate round your shoulders.
Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.
[A while later; Edmund now has some bright green fabric draped off his shoulders]
Baldrick
Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practice with Percy.
Baldrick
Presentation, my lord!
Baldrick
[moving Percy] You stand over here, and, my lord, just there. Right; now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself attractive to you.
You know, like the Earl of Doncaster.
Good lord! Well, er, fair enough. [waves seductively at Edmund]
No, you act normal! I'm the Earl of Doncaster!
Baldrick
Right. [holds his arm between them, rather like the referee of a boxing match] Go! [stands aside]
[Edmund makes funny faces, not seductive at all]
Oh my God, this is impossible! I can't do this!
Baldrick
Never mind. I've a couple more things that might help. [exits]
Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?
Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.
[in a high-pitched, not falsetto, voice] Hello there!
[in his normal voice] Er, hello. How are you?
I'm fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish Infanta.
No, he damned well isn't!!! [attacking Percy] And anyone who marries the Infanta will get creamed! Do you hear me?
[Percy falls to the floor on his hands and knees. Edmund comes up behind him, grabbing Percy's neck. Baldrick enters, carrying some more effeminate clothing, and sees them in this position]
Baldrick
[smiling] Yes, that's the kind of thing!
[Edmund quickly stands up]
Blackadder · 193 quotes
