Blackadder quotes from Blackadder

[enters again] My lord, the Queen does demand your urgent presence, on pain of death.

You're not making any friends here. You do know that, don't you?

My God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?!

Percy

[comes out of the den, frazzled and slightly burnt] My lord! Success!

What?

Percy

[leads Edmund into the den, where alchemical apparatus has been arranged on the table, with Baldrick pumping the bellows] After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold! Pure gold!

Are you sure?

Percy

Yes, my lord! Behold...

Percy, it's green.

Percy

That's right, my lord!

Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's called "gold". What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some "green".

Percy

[amazed; takes the green out of the pot and holds it reverently in his hands] Oh, Edmund, can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?

Indeed you do, Percy. Except it's not really a nugget, but more of a splat.

Percy

Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows, or dares to dream!

So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will?

Percy

Thus so. [aside] Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.

Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you, Percy?

Percy

Perhaps, my lord...

That you, Percy, Lord Percy, are an utter berk. Baldrick, pack my bags. I'm gonna sell the house.

[shocked] What?!

There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out, but needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.

This is the den.

[disgusted] Oh dear!

But I have to tell you, Mr. Pants, that I've had an extremely encouraging nibble from another client, and I think you know me the sort of man not to ignore a nibble for long.

I smell some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.

Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is as dry rot does. Stop me if I'm getting too technical.

And the floors are a bit uneven.

Yes, indeed, and at no extra cost.

Strange smell.

Yes, that's the servant. He'll be gone soon.

You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?

No, not really. This is a different thing; it's spontaneous and it's called wit.

What about the privies?

When the master craftsman who designed this home was looking at sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo", for 'twas his name, "Romeo, let's make 'em functional and comfortable."

Oh, well, that sounds nice, don't it, dear?

I'm glad we understand each other, sir. So, sold then. Drink?

[insistent] What about the privies?

Well, what we're talking about in 'privy' terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh air orifices combined with a wide capacity gutter installation below.

You mean you crap out of the window?

Yes!

Well, in that case, we'll definitely take it! I can't stand those dirty indoor things.

[enters] My lord-

[sarcastic] Ah, messenger, thank God you came. Percy and I could not have waited another second without you.

Right, Balders, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away.

Baldrick

Why, my lord?

Well, to avoid these monks!

Baldrick

No point. The Black Bank's got branches everywhere.

Oh no! [slumps to the floor] If I die, Baldrick, do you think people would remember me?

Baldrick

Yeah, 'course they would.

Yes, I suppose so.

Baldrick

Yeah, people would always be slapping each other on the shoulder and laughing and saying "Do you remember Old Privy-Breath?".

Do people call me "Privy-Breath"?

Baldrick

Yeah. The ones who like you.

Am I then not popular?

Baldrick

Um...well, put it this way - when people step in what dogs leave in the street, they do tend to say "Whoops, I've trod on a Blackadder".

[having a plan] The bloody cheek! I'll show them!

Baldrick

Have you got a plan, my lord?

Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait-painter in England!

Baldrick

I'll get them right away, my lord!

The time has come, Blackadder!

Oh, hullo, Bish.

The Black Monks will have their money, or I will have my fun.

You enjoy your work, don't you?

Bits of it, yes.

The violent bits.

Yes. [starts massaging Blackadder's shoulders] You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything.

Fine words for a bishop.

Have you got the money?

Nope.

Good, I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Blackadder [pulls out his red-hot poker] IT'S POKER TIME!!!

Fine. Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?

No, no. I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my flock is concerned, my only vice is a little tipple before Evensong. [Baldrick offers him a goblet of wine] Oh, thank you. [drinks from the offered goblet and then turns back to Blackadder] Bend over, Blackadder! This where you get... [chokes and clutches at his throat] Drugged! By God...!

No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same.

By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?!

It's beautifully framed, don't you think? Which is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you.

You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?!

No, I could never get used to the underwear. What I could use, though, is, say, eleven-hundred pounds to buy back my house, four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expenses, ten shillings for the two doors and thruppence for a celebratory slap-up binge at Mrs Miggins' Pie Shop.

Baldrick, why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?

Baldrick

To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.

And do they?

Baldrick

Not yet, my lord.

That's hardly surprising. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom. The only sort of mouse you're likely to catch is one without a nose.

Baldrick

That's a pity, 'cause the nose is the best bit on a mouse.

Any bit of mouse would be luxury compared to what Percy and I must eat tonight. We are entertaining Puritan vegetable folk, Balders. And that means no meat.

Baldrick

In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.

And the surprise is?

Baldrick

There's nothing else in it except the turnip.

So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be a turnip?

Baldrick

[in realisation] Oh yeah.

Get the door, Baldrick. [there is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door] Baldrick, I advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good.

Baldrick

You said "Get the door."

Not good enough. You're fired.

Baldrick

But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!

So has syphilis. Now get out.

Baldrick

Alright, sir. Oh, by the way, there was a messenger at the door. Says the Queen wants to see you right away. Lord Melchett is very sick.

[intrigued] Really?

Baldrick

Yeah, he's at death's door.

[brightens] Well, my reinstated faithful old family retainer, let's go and open it for him!

The sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four-year old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.

Percy

[thinks and writes] Cardinal Wolsey...

Baldrick! [Baldrick enters, now with a mouse tied to the end of his nose] Why?

Baldrick

I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat for variety.

I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it.

Quite the wrong impression, ma'am. I just want to make it another night, that's all.

Nursie

Certainly not!

I beg your pardon?

Nursie

Well, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it? Next he'll be trying to get out of having his bath altogether.

He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.

Nursie

Well, he should be. How else is he gonna keep clean? Soon, he'll be saying he doesn't want to have his nappy changed.

Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.

Nursie

Well, in that case, it's even more important that he has a bath.

Shut up, Nursie! [to Blackadder] I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins!

[giving in] Yes, alright! Tonight it is!

[smiles] Oh, Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.

Right, now let's make this absolutely clear: we are having two parties here tonight.

Right.

And they must be kept completely separate.

Right.

Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.

Baldrick

Oh, thank you very much, my lord.

Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?

Baldrick

[cracking up] Yes it is, my lord.

And what is so funny?

Percy

[cracking up] Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as a thingy!

[deadpan] A thingy?

Baldrick

[cracking up] A great big thingy! It was teriffic!

Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not make them unusually sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this 'hilarious' item?

Yes.

Good, because there's nothing more like to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.

Percy

Oh, absolutely, Edmund. [cracking up] But it was jolly funny!

Baldrick

I found it particularly ironic, my lord, 'cause I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip.

[annoyed] What fun. Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition tonight with Lord Melchett and ten thousand florins are at stake!

Baldrick

Oh dear.

What do you mean?

Baldrick

Well, firstly, you haven't got ten thousand florins, and thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and sing that song about the goblin.

Nonsense. But just in case it's true-

Baldrick

It is true-

Yes, alright, it's true! So the plan is, when I call for my 'incredibly strong ale', you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Got that?

Baldrick

Yeah, when you call for ale, I pass water.

Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.

Percy

Oh, I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman.

Oh, God. [hears a knock at the door] Right, here goes.

Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you again. [kisses her cheeks]

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child, don't lie! Everyone hates us, and you know it!

Er, yes. Uh, may I introduce my friend, Lord Percy.

Percy

Well, well, well, Eddie. You didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like, and I like what I see.

[slaps him on the cheek] Begone, Satan!

Yes, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say "inheritance"? I meant "journey". [enters his room] If you'd just like to help yourselves to a legacy, uh, a chair.

Chair?! You have chairs in your house?!

Oh yes.

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike.

And yourself?

I sit on Nathaniel. Two spikes would be an extravagance.

Well, quite.

[sits down] We shall suffer comfort this once. We'll just have to stick forks in our legs between courses. I trust you remember we eat no meat?

Heaven forbid! Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip, mashed.

Mashed?!

[uneasily] Yes?

[slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub! For Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape! I shall have my turnip as God intended.

Fine. Baldrick!

Baldrick

My lord?

Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please.

Baldrick

But we've only got the-

Just do it. [to Lord Whiteadder] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip as God intended?

He will not answer you. He has taken a vow of silence. I believe that silence is golden.

Let us discuss your inheritance.

Ah, yes, good. Um, a little drink first, perhaps?

Drink?! [slaps him twice on the cheek] Wicked child! Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!

No, no, this is only water. This is a house of simple purity.

[stumbles back to the door] Great booze-up, Edmund! [staggers out into the hallway, giving a loud cheer]

Do you know that man?

[quickly] No.

He called you 'Edmund'.

Oh, know him? Oh yes, I do.

Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?

[thinks for nearly a whole minute. Haltingly] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary, and on his last visit abroad, brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness, and he's obviously just woken. Because, as you heard, Great Boo's up.

Percy

Well done, Edmund.

And I think I might just go and visit him. Percy, over to you.

[comes back, now very drunk, and wearing the cardinal's hat] Percy, I lost the bet.

[shocked] Edmund, explain yourself!

I can't. Not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Auntie. Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty! Hehe! And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like, See the little goblin-

I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are grinning inanely, and... [Edmund falls over onto a chair with his back facing the table] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches.

I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder. I have an ostrich feather up my bottom because Mr. Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies. And I'm grinning inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance. Eeheeheeheeheehee!

Is that right?! May I remind you, cursed creature, that your inheritance depends upon not drinking and not gambling!

Oh yes. Damn. Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.

Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

Shove off, you old trout.

[offended] How dare you speak to my husband like that! Nathaniel, we're leaving! [to Percy] And you.

Percy

Yes?

Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile?

Percy

Oh, yes.

Good.

Good riddance, you old witch. [a knock on the door] Oops, she's forgotten her broomstick.

[opens the door; breaking the vow of silence] Look... [looks behind him, then turns back to Blackadder] I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening! Yes, first rate all around. Particularly your jester. By the way, I loved the turnip. [snickers] Very funny. Exactly the same shape as a thingy! [leaves]