BBlackadder
Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
BBlackadder
Someone's for the chop. You or me, in fact.
BBlackadder
Let's face facts, Perc' – it's you.
Except, I may have a plan!
How about if we get Farrow's head and body and we take it to the Queen, except, just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming, and we come in and say "We were just on our way when he tried to escape, and so we cut his head off in the corridor to teach him a lesson."?
BBlackadder
Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Contemptible. Worth a try. Where'd we put the head?
It's on a spike in Traitors' Cloister.
BBlackadder
Oh god, that's where the Queen's gone! Did she know Farrow?
Oh yes, they were childhood friends.
BBlackadder
Well, if she sees his head on a spike, she'll realize he's dead! You fetch the body. I'll cover the head.
I've got the body, my lord, and I see you've got the head.
BBlackadder
Yes, but it's not going to work, Percy. No one's going to believe we've just cut it off. It's gone green! We're doomed.
Doomed! [looks at the head] Wait a moment, that's not Farrow.
BBlackadder
My god, Ponsonby! [kisses the head] That genius Baldrick has killed the wrong bloke! We're saved!
BBlackadder
Farrow is alive and we're saved!
BBlackadder
And when the Queen gets back from seeing Ponsonby, we'll...OH GOD! [runs off towards the dungeon]
WE'RE DOOMED! [runs off after Edmund]
I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?
BBlackadder
Of course not. Who do you think you are, Wat Tyler? You can have the afternoon off when you die, not before.
But I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home. Oh, sir, on a day like today, I feel proud to be a member of the greatest kingdom on earth.
BBlackadder
And doubtless many members of the animal kingdom feel the same. [a loud cheer erupts from outside] Look, will you shut up?! Bloody explorers! Ponce off to Mumbo-Jumbo Land and come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and Bob's-your-uncle, everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory! I mean, what about the people that do all the work?
BBlackadder
No, me! I'm the people who do all the work! I mean, look at this! [holds up a potato] What is it?
I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.
BBlackadder
I haven't forgotten, it's a rhetorical question.
BBlackadder
To you, it's a potato. To me, it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it's luxury estates, fine carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with! He's making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them...they'll be eating them next!
Stranger things have happened, my lord.
BBlackadder
[dismissively] Oh, exactly.
That horse becoming Pope.
BBlackadder
For one. [knock on the door] Get that, Baldrick. Probably some berk with a parrot on his shoulder selling plaster gnomes of Sir Francis Drake and his Golden Behind.
[Baldrick goes to answer the door]
YCYoung Child
[offscreen; chanting] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder hears from the window] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder grabs his bow] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! [Blackadder leans out the window] Sourpuss! Grumpy-face! Sour- [Blackadder looses an arrow] Ah! Mummy!
BBlackadder
[calling out the window] And another thing; why aren't you at school?!
[enters] Ah, I see you've started talking to yourself, Blackadder.
BBlackadder
Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation around here.
AAAAA-aaaa-AA-aaaa-AAA-a-AAAAARGH...me laddie!
BBlackadder
Ehehehe, indeed. So, Rum. I wish to hire you and your ship. Can we shake on it?
[shakes hands with Blackadder] AH! You have a woman's hands, m'Lord! I'll wager those dainty pinkies have never weighed anchor in a storm!
BBlackadder
Well, you're right there.
[pinches Blackadder's cheek and gasps] You have a woman's skin, m'lord! I'll wager that skin has ne'er felt the lash of the cat, been rubbed with salt and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy!
BBlackadder
It's uncanny, I don't know how you do you it but you're right again.
Why should I let a stupid cockerel like you aboard me boat?
BBlackadder
Perhaps for the monies in my purse?
Haha- [gasp] You have a woman's purse, m'lord! I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing boat! I'll wager it's never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it!
BBlackadder
Yes, right again, Rum. I must say when it comes to tales of courage I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut!
AH! You have a woman's mouth, m'lord! I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish!
BBlackadder
I must say, when I came to see you, I had no idea I was going to have to eat your ship as well as hire it. And since you're clearly as mad as a mongoose I'll bid you farewell.
Damn courtiers to the Queen! You're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl!
BBlackadder
Better a lapdog to a slip of a girl than a...git!
AHA! So you do have some spunk in you! Don't worry, laddie. I'll come!
BBlackadder
Well, let us set sail at once. I shall fetch my first mate and return as fast as my legs will carry me!
AH! You have a woman's legs, m'lord! I'll wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail and swept into the sea before your very eyes!
BBlackadder
Well, neither have yours.
That's where you're wrong! [flips over the table to show his legs end in two stumps]
BBlackadder
[annoyed] Oh my god...
No point changing your mind now. No one else'll come. The whole thing's suicide anyway. What's the first mate's name?
BBlackadder
Yes. Well, he's a sort of wet fish.
[Baldrick packs for the upcoming voyage while Percy frets]
I'm not coming. I'm just not coming. Of course, I'm very keen to go on the trip. It's just I've got an appointment. To have my nostrils plucked. Next year.
I'm sorry, m'lord. I thought it was 'cause your were a complete coward.
[laughs nervously] Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick. You know me. I laugh in the face of fear and tweak the nose of the dreadful spindly killer fish. I'm not one of your milksops who's scared out of his mind by the mere sight of water. [Baldrick offers a mug of water; screams] YES, ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT, I ADMIT IT, I'M TERRIFIED! You see, Baldrick, when I was a baby...I was savaged by a turbot! Oh, Baldrick, you can't think of a way to get me out of this, can you?
Perfect! [climbs into the box] Let's practice. Edmund comes in and says "Hello, Baldrick. Have you seen Percy?". And you say?
Uh, no, my lord, I haven't seen him all day.
Brilliant! Oh my god, here he comes! [closes the lid of the box]
BBlackadder
[walks in] Oh, hello, Balders. Where the hell's that cretin, Percy? You haven't seen him, have you?
[struggles to remember what he was supposed to say, then replies...] Yes, my lord, he's hiding in the box!
BBlackadder
[bangs on the box] Come on, jelly brain! Hurry up or we'll miss the tide!
[All turn to Percy expectantly. He is sulking.]
BBlackadder
Not joining us in the ha-has, Percy?
[despondant] No. I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.
BBlackadder
Oh God, I didn't know you had a girl.
Oh yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.
BBlackadder
Caroline? I didn't know you knew her.
Oh yes. I even touched her once.
BBlackadder
Touched her what?
BBlackadder
I've never heard it called that before. Still, when you get home in six months, you'll be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on her twice.
[hysterical] Because we'll never get home! We're doomed! Doomed! Condemned to a watery grave by a legless captain!
Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!
No, I mean you haven't got any legs.
Oh yes. You're right there. Carry on. Sorry.
[despondant] Oh, God. We've no hope. No hope of ever returning.
BBlackadder
On the contrary, we are certain to return.
BBlackadder
Because, me old salts, we are not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all.
PBPercy, Baldrick and Captain Rum
[shocked] What?!
BBlackadder
We are, in fact, going to France.
PBPercy, Baldrick and Captain Rum
[shocked] France?!
Oh, but, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered. By the French, for a start.
BBlackadder
Well, precisely, it's a trick! We just camp down in the Dordogne for six months, get a good suntan, come home, pretend we've been 'round the Cape and get all the glory.
A masterly plan, me young master! And one that leads me to make an announcement meself.
BBlackadder
What's that, Rum?
Truth is...I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.
BBlackadder
Well, what were you going to do?
Oh, what I usually do - sail 'round and 'round the Isle of Wight 'til everyone gets dizzy, then sail for home.
BBlackadder
You old rascal! Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. [gets to his feet and raises his mug] Captain, set sail for France!
PBPercy, Baldrick and Captain Rum
Hooray!
[The day after the day after tomorrow...]
BBlackadder
[slowly] So you don't know the way to France either.
No! I must confess that too.
[After six months at sea, Blackadder, Percy and Baldrick prepare to drink their own urine]
BBlackadder
Is Captain Rum joining us for this Bring-A-Sample party?
Oh no, he's been swigging his for ages. Says he likes it. Actually, come to think of it, he started before the water ran out.
[After two and a half years at sea, Blackadder returns to England]
[bows] Lord Percy, Ma'am.
But where is Captain Rum?
BBlackadder
Ah, bad news, Milady, Rum is dead.
[Nursie wails in grief]
Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.
BBlackadder
And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
You mean they put him in the pot?!
BBlackadder
Yes, your fiancé was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course. [Nursie starts crying again] However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento. [hands Nursie Captain Rum's beard]
Oh, my lucky stars! I shall wear it always to remind me of him. [puts the beard on]
[Blackadder hands the Queen a boomerang]
[to Lord Melchett] What is it?
Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?
BBlackadder
Ah, yes, Ma'am. But it is a very special stick, because, when you throw it away, it comes back!
Well, that's no good, is it? Because when I throw things away, I don't want them to come back! [to Percy] You! Get rid of it.
Certainly, Ma'am. [throws it into the corridor]
BBlackadder
Baldrick, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine.
MMolly
I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable, actually, Baldrick. Most girls would charge an extra sixpence for all the 'orrid things he wants-
BBlackadder
Yes, yes, alright. Baldrick, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute. Molly, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now may I get some sleep?
BBlackadder
Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here, and that if he comes begging again, I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns babies during Christenings and then eats them in the vestry afterwards.
MMolly
[flirty] Bye, Baldrick.
[bashful] Buh-bye, Molly.
BBlackadder
[to Baldrick] For God's sake, get out! [to Molly] Well, you're the one, aren't you? When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like "Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets", you don't say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering.
MMolly
He treated me like a human being.
BBlackadder
Look, if I had wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
BBlackadder
Tell me, Bishop, supposing I was to say something like "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she would be very interested to hear about you and Molly and the wimple, so why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
I would say, firstly, the Queen would not believe you, and secondly, [pulls out a poker, its end glowing red hot] you'll regret calling me 'Fatso' later today!
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
I will have my money by Evensong tonight, or...YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!
Do not despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance. By lucky hap, it is just over a thousand, and has, for years, been hidden, beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock....
PBPercy and Blackadder
...under the squeaky floorboard...
PBPercy, Blackadder and Baldrick
...behind the kitchen dresser.
[uneasily] You've seen it?
BBlackadder
Seen it, pinched it, spent it! Same goes for those two farthings Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.
Then you are doomed. Alas. For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet and tell sad stories.
BBlackadder
Certainly not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit about!
You won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.
BBlackadder
That's true. Still, I've got eighty-five quid and that's a start. I'm sure I'll think of something as long as I'm not disturbed...
MMessenger
[enters] My lord, the Queen does demand your urgent presence, on pain of death.
BBlackadder
Oh, damn, the path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!
Blackadder · 193 quotes
