Blackadder quotes from Blackadder

Prince Ludwig

Forgive me, Herr Blackadder...I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my apple-ogies.

I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

Prince Ludwig

I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you.

It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience me.

Prince Ludwig

Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.

Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.

Prince Ludwig

Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.

Yes, well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

Prince Ludwig

You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Prince Ludwig

Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at the Old Pizzle in Dover?

My God!

Prince Ludwig

Yes! I was the waitress.

I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?

Prince Ludwig

[falsetto] `Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?'

But I went to bed with you, didn't I?

Prince Ludwig

For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!

Prince Ludwig

Indeed you were, "Mr. Floppy".

What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

Well, that all depends on whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.

Well, then perhaps some pleasant word game?

Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.

For god's sake, man! We must do something to relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us!

Awaits you, Melchy, not me. How's my beard looking?

Oh, alas! Shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...

And her playful sheep.

Prince Ludwig

[reading the Queen's reply to his ransom letter] After long and careful deliberation, the Qveen has decided to spend the ransom money on...

"...a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I've decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy jolly time, and try to forget both of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee!"

What?!

Prince Ludwig

"Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee!"

Prince Ludwig

My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will ewentually die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your needs. With your information, gentlemen, I intend to overthrow your qveen and country. The Master of Disguise will become The Master of the World!

Yes, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go?

Prince Ludwig

Yes?

Were you ever bullied at school?

Prince Ludwig

What do you mean?

Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.

Prince Ludwig

Nonsense. No, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.

I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year.

Prince Ludwig

[fed up] Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot" again! [leaves]

Touched a nerve there, I think.

What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?!

Don't worry, I have a plan.

Really?

Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should have no trouble overcoming the guards. Germans are sticklers for efficiency, and I've been watching their routine. I have selected the moment when they are at their most vulnerable. That is when we will attack.

Brilliant! How?

That is the most cunning bit.

Prince Ludwig

Ah, Qveen Elizabeth, we meet again.

Um, I don't think so, actually.

Prince Ludwig

Yes, you remember when you were young, and your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yards?

[embarrassed] Yes, yes!

Prince Ludwig

I...I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who held him.

[shocked] No!

Prince Ludwig

Yes!

You?

Prince Ludwig

Uh-huh!

Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot?

Prince Ludwig

NO! No, no, no! You will, all of you, regret the day that you ever mocked my complexion! I shall return and wreak my rewengee! [leaves]

You will die and be dead! [throws a knife at Ludwig offscreen]

Prince Ludwig

[offscreen] Oh!

Percy

Welcome, Edmund. Did you...miss me?

I certainly did. Many is the time I said to myself "I wish Percy was here..."

Percy

[ecstatic] Oh!

"...being tortured instead of me."

Percy

[still ecstatic] Oh, we have missed your wit!

Baldrick

Did you miss me, my lord?

Um...Baldrick, is it?

Baldrick

That's right.

No, not really.

And me? Did you miss me, Edmund?

Madame, life without you was like a broken pencil.

[confused] Explain...?

Pointless.

Well, Mrs. Miggins, at last we can return to sanity. The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end. After the chaos of a general election, we can return to normal.

Mrs. Miggins

Has there been a general election, Mr. Blackadder?

Indeed there has, Mrs. Miggins.

Mrs. Miggins

I didn't hear of it.

Of course you didn't. You're not eligible to vote.

Mrs. Miggins

Why not?

Because virtually no one is - women...peasants... [gestures to Baldrick] Chimpanzees...lunatics...lords.

Baldrick

That's not true - Lord Nelson's got a vote.

He's got a boat, Baldrick. Marvelous thing, democracy. Look at Manchester - population: sixty-thousand, electoral roll: three.

Mrs. Miggins

I may have a brain the size of a sultana...

Correct.

Mrs. Miggins

...But it hardly seems fair to me.

Of course it's not fair, and a damn good thing too - give the like of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting with druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner.

Baldrick

I'm having dung for dinner tonight.

Mrs. Miggins

So, who are they electing when they have these elections?

Oh, the same old shower. Fat Tory landowners who get made MPs when they reach a certain weight. Raving revolutionaries who think just because they do a day's work that somehow gives them the right to get paid. Basically, it's a right old mess: toffs at the top, plebs at the bottom and me in the middle making a fat pile of cash out of both of them.

Mrs. Miggins

You'd better watch out, Mr. Blackadder - things are bound to change.

Not while Pitt the Elder's Prime Minister, they aren't. He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house. As long as his feet are warm and he gets a nice cup of milky tea in the sun before his morning nap, he doesn't bother anyone until his potty needs emptying.

Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. "Name"?

Baldrick.

First name?

Baldrick

I'm not sure.

You must have some idea.

Baldrick

Well, it might be Sodoff.

What?

Baldrick

Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello, my name's Baldrick", and they'd say "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick".

...All right, right, right, right. "Mr. S. Baldrick". Now then, "Distinguishing features"...None.

Baldrick

Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.

That's your nose, Baldrick. "Any history of insanity in the family?" I'll cross out the "in". [does this act] "Any history of sanity in the family?" ...None whatsoever. "Criminal record?"

Baldrick

Absolutely not.

Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put "Fraud and sexual deviancy". Now, "Minimum bribe level?"

Baldrick

One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.

Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?

Baldrick

Uh, no.

So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?

Baldrick

[grins] I'd get a little turnip of my own.

So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?

Baldrick

Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.

[enters, accompanied by Pitt the Younger] Your Highness, Pitt the Younger.

Why, hello there, young shaver m'lad! Say, I have a shiny sixpence for the clever fellow who can tell which hand it's in. [Pitt doesn't respond] Oh, school, school. On half hols, is it? I bet you can't wait to get that bat back in your hand and give those balls a good walloping, eh?

Mister Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.

Oh, go on! Is he? What, young Snotty here?

I'd rather have a runny nose than a runny brain.

Eh?

Excuse me, Mister Prime Minister, but we have some lovely jelly in the pantry - I don't know if you'd be interested at all.

Don't patronize me, you lower middle class yobbo. What flavour is it?

Blackcurrant.

EURGH!

I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM? Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me. When I was at school, we used to line up four or five of his sort, make them bend over, and use them as a toast rack!

You don't surprise me, sir - I know your sort. Once, it was I who stood in the cold schoolroom, a hot crumpet burning my cheeks with shame. But since that day, I have been busy every hour God sends, working to become Prime Minister, and fight sloth and privilege wherever I find it!

I trust you weren't too busy to remove the crumpet.

You will regret this, gentlemen! You think you can thwart my plans to bankrupt the Prince by winning the Dunny-On-The-Wold by-election...but you will be thrashed! I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you.

And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?

Sirs, as I said to Chancellor Metternich at the Congress of Strasbourg, pooh to you with knobs on! We shall meet, sirs, on the hustings! [leaves]

I say, Blackadder, what a ghastly squit! He's not gonna win, is he?

No, sir, because, firstly, we shall be fighting this campaign on issues, not personalities. Secondly, we shall be the only fresh thing on the menu. And thirdly, of course, we'll cheat!

We are reprieved. It is a triumph for stupidity over common sense.

Baldrick

Thank you very much.

As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday. Did you enjoy it? Right. Back to work.

[waking suddenly] Oh, Blackadder! BLACKADDER! [Blackadder walks in]

[enters with the tray] Your Highness?

What time is it?!

Three o'clock in the afternoon, sire.

[relieved] Oh thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept!

I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir?

Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened. Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey!

An absurd suggestion, sir.

You're right, it is absurd.

Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey.

See, if only I'd thought of that.

It is all too often, sir, that one thinks of what one should have said long after he might have said it. Sir Thomas More, for instance, beheaded for refusing to recant his Catholicism, must have been kicking himself as the axe came down that it never occurred to him to say "I recant my Catholicism."

Yes. Only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger. And it wasn't until ages later that I thought how clever it would have been to have said "Oh, bugger off, you old fart!". I want to improve my mind, Blackadder. I want people to say "That George, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill!".

And how do you suggest this miracle be achieved, sir?

Easy. I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England. That renowned brain-box, Doctor Samuel Johnson, has asked me to be patron of his new book, and I intend to accept.

Would this be the long-awaited dictionary?

Who cares what it's called, as long as it's got plenty of juicy murders. I hear it's a masterpiece.

No, sir. It's the most pointless book since How To Learn French was translated into French.

You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you, Blackadder?

Not at all, sir. In fact, I had never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.

But you do think he's a genius, don't you?

No, sir, I do not. Unless, of course, the definition of 'genius' in his ridiculous dictionary is "A fat dullard or wobblebottom. A pompous ass with sweaty dew flaps."

Close shave there, then. Lucky you warned me, Blackadder. I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom.

I am delighted to have been instrumental in keeping your bosom free of arses.

Bravo. Don't want to waste my time with wobblebottoms. Fetch some tea, will you?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and make it two cups, would you? That splendid brain-box, Doctor Johnson, is coming over.

Certainly, sir.

Baldrick

Something wrong, Mr. B?

Oh, something's always wrong, Balders. The fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle! But today, something's even wronger: that globulous fraud, Dr. Johnson, is coming to tea.

Baldrick

I thought he was the cleverest man in England.

Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots.

Baldrick

That’s not what you said when you sent him your navel.

Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel.

Baldrick

Well, novel or navel, it sounds a bit like a bag of grapefruits to me.

The phrase, Baldrick, is “a case of sour grapes,” and yes, it bloody well is! I mean, he might at least have written back, but no, nothing! Not even a "Dear Gertrude Perkins, thank you for your book, get stuffed, Samuel Johnson"!

Baldrick

Gertrude Perkins?

Yes, I gave myself a female pseudonym. Everybody's doing it these days: Mrs. Radcliffe, Jane Austen...

Baldrick

What, Jane Austen's a man?!

Of course! A huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron bush!

Baldrick

Oh, quite a small one, then?

Well, compared to Dorothy Wordsworth's, certainly. James Boswell is the only real woman writing at the moment, and that's just because she wants to get inside Johnson's britches.

Baldrick

Perhaps your book really isn't any good?

Oh, codswallop! It's taken me seven years, and it's perfect. Edmund: A Butler's Tale. A giant rollercoaster of a novel in 400 sizzling chapters. A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century, with some hot gypsies thrown in. My magnum opus, Baldrick. Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine.

Baldrick

And this... [takes a small piece of paper out of his trousers] is mine. My "magnificent octopus".

[inspecting it] This is your novel, Baldrick?

Baldrick

Yeah, I can't stand long books.

[reading] "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick, and it lived happily ever after."

Baldrick

It's semi-autobiographical.

And it's completely, utterly awful. Doctor Johnson will probably love it.

Baldrick, where's the manuscript?

Baldrick

You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?

Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript belonging to Doctor Johnson.

Baldrick

You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?

Yes, Baldrick, Doctor Johnson.

Baldrick

So you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belong to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is?

Yes, Baldrick, I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted boney thing with five toes on the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers. For the last time, Baldrick, where is Doctor Johnson's manuscript?

Baldrick

On the fire.

[shocked] On the what?

Baldrick

The hot orangey thing under the stoney mantlepiece.

[enraged] You've burnt the dictionary?!

Baldrick

Yup!

You've burnt the life's work of England's foremost man of letters?!

Baldrick

Well, you did say 'burn any old rubbish.'

[calmly remembers] Yes. Fine.

Isn't it, uh - isn't it going to be a bit difficult for me to patronize this book if we've burnt it?

[pause] Yes, it is, sir. But if you would excuse me a moment...

Of course, of course! Now that I've got my lovely fire, I'm as happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers!

Baldrick, would you join me in the vestibule? [the pair leave the room, and he closes the doors behind him; immediately after doing so, he forcefully and firmly grabs Baldrick by the shoulders, and pushes him down the length of the hallway] We are going to go to Mrs. Miggins, we're going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of that dictionary, and then you are going to steal it.

Baldrick

Me?

Yes, you.

Baldrick

Why me?

Because you burnt it, Baldrick!

Baldrick

But then I'll go to hell forever for stealing.

Baldrick, believe me: eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... [produces a pencil from his coat]...and this pencil...if we can't replace this dictionary. Now, come on...

Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.

Why?

Because if I stay here, Doctor Johnson and his companions will have me brutally murdered.

Good god, Blackadder, that's terrible! Do you know any other butlers?

Of course, when the people discover that you have burnt Doctor Johnson's dictionary, they may go around saying "Look, there's Thick George. He's got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle."

Well, in that case, something must be done!

Baldrick

I have a cunning plan, sir.

Hurrah! Well, that's that, then.

I wouldn't get too excited, sir. I have a strong suspicion Baldrick's plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile - "England knows Lady Hamilton is a virgin. Poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong."

Great. Let's hear it.

Baldrick

It's brilliant. You take the string - that's still not completely burnt - you scrape off the soot, and you shove the pages in again.

Which pages?

Baldrick

Well, not the same ones, of course-

Yes, I think I'm on the verge of spotting the flaw in this plan. But do go on. Which pages?

Baldrick

Well, this is the brilliant bit - you write some new ones.

Some new ones. You mean rewrite the dictionary. I sit down tonight and rewrite the dictionary that took Doctor Johnson ten years.

Baldrick

Yup.

Baldrick, that is by far and away, and without a shadow of doubt, the worst and most contemptible plan in the history of the universe. On the other hand, I hear the sound of disemboweling cutlasses being sharpened, and it's the only plan we've got.

We didn't take no for an answer and have, in fact, been working all night. I've done 'B'.

Really? And how far have you gotten?

Well, I had a bit of trouble with 'belching', but I think I got it sorted out in the end. [burps] Oh no! There I go again! [laughs]

You've been working on that joke for some time, haven't you, sir?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I have.

Since you started?

Basically.

So, in fact, you haven't done any work at all?

Not as such.

Great. Baldrick, what have you done?

Baldrick

I've done 'C' and 'D'.

Right, let's have it then.

Baldrick

Right. "Big, blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in."

What's that?

Baldrick

'Sea'.

Yes. Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high. What about 'D'?

Baldrick

I'm quite pleased with 'dog'.

Yes, and your definition of 'dog' is?

Baldrick

"Not a cat."

Excellent. Excellent! Your Highness, may I have a word?

Certainly.

As you know, sir, it has always been my intention to stay with you until you had a strapping son, and I one likewise to take over the burdens of my duties.

That's right, Blackadder, and I thank you for it.

But I'm afraid, sir, there's been a change in plans. I'm off to the kitchen to hack my head off with a big knife.

Oh, come on, Blackadder! It's only a book! Let's just damn the fellow's eyes, strip the britches from his backside and ward his heels to Putney Bridge! Hurrah!

Sir, these are not the days of Alfred the Great. You can't just lop someone's head off and blame it on the vikings.

Can't I, by god?

No.

Alright then, well, just get on with it! I mean, boil my brains, it's only a dictionary. No one's asked us to eat ten raw pigs for breakfast. Good lord, I mean, we're British, aren't we? [exits]

[sotto] You're not, you're German. Get me some coffee, Baldrick. If I fall asleep before Monday, we're doomed.