Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.
Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.
Yeah. We should ask it, "Does this video suck?"
Yeah. "Signs point to yes."
George Thorogood, "Bad to the Bone
Tiësto and Karol G, "Don't Be Shy
[the video opens with a janitor at a museum putting headphones on]
Being a janitor would kick ass, 'cause like, you could just like, listen to music all night, and then you could just like spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you could clean it up, you know, because you already have the mop. See?
Yeah. It is the perfect crime.
[as a museum display of a Native American behind the janitor comes to life and begins to fist pump]
It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump.
[the janitor fist pumps while he watches Egyptian miniature people dancing]
Whoa. What's his other hand doing?
He's doing a different kind of fist pump down there.
Yeah, there's something else dancing down there about the same size.
He's masturbating.
[they both cackle]
Yeah, he sure is. He's not shy about it either.
Nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, I mean, I don't really wanna see it, but you know, no one wants to see me do it either, so go for it. [a picture of Tiësto begins fist pumping] Oh look, Tiësto's spanking his monkey too!
Tiësto. [cackles]
Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, what's the point?
Yeah.
Uh, I think this guy's like not even a janitor at all.
Yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbator, you know? Yeah, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket.
Yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, "Sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside." And then he's like, "Uh, no, you're gonna thank me."
"You're gonna be glad I did, believe me."
Tones and I, "Cloudy Day
TTones
But your mama always said, "Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day..."
What's she saying? "Mama always said look up into the sky?"
My mom never said anything like that.
Yeah really, neither did mine. She's like "Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu. Get out of here and close the door. Don't slam it!"
[imitating Tones's singing] Mama always said that she's hung over, just make yourself some cheerios.
[imitating Tones's singing] Mama always said "There's food in the fridge, I'll be back in about two weeks."
Tool, "Prison Sex
Whoa, check it out Butt-head, it's an outie.
That's not an outie Beavis, there's two of 'em. These are nipples.
Those aren't nipples Butt-head, look how low they are.
No way Beavis, that's just because she doesn't have any legs or a butt.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom.
Yeah, Yeah. Guess they are nipples.
Whoa! Check out that black dude.
Yeah. He's gonna save the day.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Check it out. He's shaking his head. Wake up! Wake up, wonky.
Yeah. That dude's like saying 'Damn it, quit messing with my head and go get my legs'.
Get 'em.
Check it out Butt-head, a slot.
Yeah. Your moth-er's a slot.
That's not a moth-er. That's a bee.
Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee.
You know. Pretty cool. If I had a bee, I'd like teach it to go sting people. It's like, sting 'em, boy! Sting 'em! Sting 'em in the butt, go!
Yeah.
Ok, goodnight little dude. See you tomorrow.
Tyler, the Creator, feat. Kali Uchis, "See You Again
Is this Tyler, the Creator?
Uhhh, yeah.
I mean he's cool and everything, but he kinda needs a better name, you know?
If I was gonna be one of these guys, I would be like, Butt-head, the Scorer.
Yeah, I'd be Beavis, the Mutilator.
You'd be Beavis, the Monkey-spanker.
I guess that has a nice ring to it, I don't know. I mean, it's not my first choice, you know...?
[shot of a lifeboat out at sea]
If I was stranded on a lifeboat with that girl, I'd be like, "Hey baby. You ever do it on a boat with three dudes in raincoats, masturbating?"
"Yeah, make that four."
Dammit, Beavis, you're messing up my flow again.
[shot of Tyler in front of a group of naval officers wearing red uniforms]
What country's army is this?
I think it's like, Europe. Tyler, the Creator's gonna overthrow America.
Yeah yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know, because um, because he's got a lot of good ideas, and he's not like these other politicians, you know? He tells it like it is, you know? And he's concerned about my tax dollars, and he says all the things that everyone else afraid to say, you know?
[Tyler is dancing atop the officer's heads]
Whoa! He's stepping on the army's heads!
Yeah, yeah, exactly! All these politicians, they don't have the guts to step on people's heads. And all these fat cats in Washington, and these companies in bed with the corporations, and the councils of... representatives... he's in bed with chicks!
Yeah. He'll drain the swamp.
Yeah yeah, then he'll drain the main vein. [Tyler is in a ghost costume] See, he's just like us. He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know... [the costume turns into a swarm of bees] See, now he's turning into bees, you know? Just like us. Like a working man do.
Uhhh, so you'd vote for this guy?
No no no, I'm not gonna vote, no no. That seems like a big hassle, you know? You know I always say, "Don't blame me, I didn't vote."
Lemon
[The word "MEN" appears on screen.]
Hey, check it out Butt-head, that's that word.
Yeah. That's that word they put on bathrooms.
Yeah. I must mean, like, "crap," or something.
Yeah.
Hey, that's that word again.
[Bono appears on screen singing.]
Crap is singing.
[The Edge appears on screen dialing a phone.]
Yeah, yeah. Crap is on the telephone.
[Adam Clayton appears on screen playing bass guitar.]
Yeah. This turd found a guitar.
[Larry Mullen Jr. appears on screen playing drums.]
And this piece of crap is playing the drums. Yeah.
[Beavis and Butt-head fell asleep, snoring. Beavis slumps over onto Butt-head. Butt-head wakes up and slaps Beavis awake.]
Ahhh! Ahhh!
Dillweed.
He's got one of those attention headaches.
Yeah. He's got an attention headaches this big.
Sometimes, like, when I get a headache, it's like, I hit myself in the head really hard, and, it's like, it just makes it hurt worse.
You're pretty stupid, Beavis. Next time I have a headache, I'd like to try hitting you in the head.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be cool.
One
Beavis [referring to the buffalo]: Whoa! That's a big dog. Heh-hmm.
That's a buffalo, dumbass.
Is this "art"?
This "means" something.
Yeah, huh-huh-huh. It means something stupid.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.