Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Ow! Cut it out! Don't make me kick your ass!

Beavis

Don't make me kick you in the nads!

Socko's great.

Butt-head

Uh,huh,huh,huh... Socko has a hand up his butt.

Beavis

Heh,heh,heh,heh, yeah,heh,heh,heh.

Butt-head

Did you pay for that, ma'am?

Yes.

Butt-head

May I see your receipt, please?

Beavis

Yeah. Heh heh. May I see your slit?

[insulted] Excuse me?

Butt-head

Uhh... could we like rescue?

I don't think so!

What are you doing with your jobs? Let me handle this! [to customer] Did you purchase that, ma'am?

Yes, I did!

[embarrassed with shame] I apologize, ma'am for misunderstanding. It was just a cavity search. [laughs nervously]

Beavis

Yeah yeah yeah. Heh heh heh.

Butt-head

Hey, we could do that so that we could get bigger thingies.

Beavis

[looks down his shirt] Mine are big enough already. Heh, it's not worth the risk.

Butt-head

Not bigger boobs, dumbass, like we could get bigger wieners.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. We're in a hole.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. Hole. [Beavis hits a pipe with his shovel] Hey, Butt-head! Butt-head! I just like, felt something.

Butt-head

[thinking he meant a boner] Uh...okay.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. Wait, no, no. I mean, I felt something, like, with my shovel. Come here, check it out. [He bangs on the pipe with his shovel, and makes a hole in it. Sewage starts coming out] It's oil! It's oil, Butt-head! We've struck oil! It's oil!

Butt-head

Cool! A bubbling crude.

Beavis

Yeah. Oil, that is.

Butt-head

Black gold.

Beavis

Texas tea.

Butt-head

[smelling it] Ugh! Oil smells like turds.

Beavis

Yeah. I bet that's why it's so expensive.

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, put that away. You're not supposed to have your penis out while you're cooking.

Beavis

Oh...oh yeah. [angry customer drives away]

Butt-head

Err, can I take your order?

Butt-head

Uhh...what seems to be the problem there, Beavis?

Beavis

My thingie itches. It's like the wrong color or something...check it out.

Butt-head

Uhh...no thanks, Beavis.

Beavis

(continuing to scratch his pubic area) Ow, rrr, ehh! Ahh!

An outbreak of tainted meat has struck the local Burger World, and once again raised the question of how meat should be handled.

Butt-head

Huhuhuh...ask the expert.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! (continues scratching)

Pending a health inspection, Burger World will remain closed.

Beavis

This sucks!

Butt-head

Yeah! We lost our jobs!

Beavis

No! My weiner still itches!

Butt-head

Face it Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something.

Beavis

Yeah, I'll just...wait, with water? No way, then it'll get all wet.

Butt-head

Life is hard, Beavis.

Beavis

Stewart's dad's dirty magazines.

Butt-head

We've torn out all the pages with butts on them, but there's still plenty of good boobs left.

  Warning.  The following feature presentation is not rated.  It contains scenes of full frontal nudity and extreme violence.  Viewer discretion is advised.

  Yes!

Beavis

  Yes!

Butt-head

  Discretion is cool.

Beavis

  Pay-per-view rules.  It rules!

Beavis

  How's it going?

  Beavis? Butt-Head? What happened?! Where's the couch?! Where's the t. v.?!

Butt-Head

  Uhh, the movers took it dude.

  OHHHH!! Movers?! You idiots! We've been robbed!

Butt-Head

  Robbed? We were here all day. We didn't see any robbers.

  You guys are in big trouble.

Buzzcut

Where in the hell do you think you're going?

Butt-head

Uhhh... to class?

Beavis

Umm.. yeah, yeah, to class, me too.

Buzzcut

Maybe you didn't hear me when I told you to hit the showers!

Butt-head

Uhh, we thought you were like, talking to somebody else?

Buzzcut

I was talking to everybody!

Butt-head

But like, uhh... we didn't sweat.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's all the same sir, um, I'd just like to wait till I get home to take a shower. That'll be great.

Buzzcut

Look at you boy! You're covered in crap!

Beavis

Uhmmm... That was last week. This is blood, sir.

Buzzcut

Name of this class is Physical Education! And that includes proper personal hygiene! Hit the showers now, or fail!

Butt-head

Uhhh... Well, it looks kinda crowded in there.

Buzzcut

Do I have to undress you myself, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uh, no?

Beavis

no?

Beavis

This sucks. I hate taking showers.

Butt-head

Yeah, I don't want some naked dudes standing with a schlong right next to me.

Beavis

Yeah, really! I don't want some naked dude standing next to me with his schlong slinging around saying 'Hey good game man.'

Butt-head

And you better not look at me, fart-knocker, or I'll kick your ass.

Beavis

You look at me, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Hey Beavis and Butt-Head, are you guys gonna finally take a shower?

Butt-head

Uhhh... ummm... hey dude.

I've never seen you guys take a shower before.

Butt-head

Uhhh... Yeah.

How come you guys never take a shower?

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, it's all clear.

Hey Beavis, can you help me with this?