Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Circuses suck!

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Where's the dude with two butts?

Beavis

Right here next to me.

Butt-head

Don't make me smack you again.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. Have you ever heard that joke about the elephant and the circus?

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

There's this dude, and he like, has to clean up all the elephant dung. And it, like, really sucks. So this dude says, "Uh, if it sucks, why don't you give up showbusiness?" And the guy says, "'Cause I like cleaning up elephant dung!"

Beavis

Yeah. That's pretty funny! That was a good one!

Butt-head

It's all in how you tell it, dude.

Butt-head

Spın̈al Tap really sucks lately.

Beavis

Yeah. They have all new guys.

I am a real American...

Butt-head

He's a real American.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! He fights for what is right!

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

He fights! He fights!

Butt-head

He's, like, a good role model, 'cause he just, like, did whatever it took to get big, like, he took those steroid pills.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, those things you, like, you shove 'em up your butt when have hemorrhoids.

Butt-head

No, Beavis, those are depositories. These are these pills that make you, like, all big and strong, but then they, like, make your nads shrink.

Beavis

Whoa! What's the point?

Butt-head

Yeah, really. It's like, you know, I may be only like, above average strength, but it's like, at least I haven't messed around with my nads.

Beavis

Yeah, really!

Beavis

Um, is this Colonel Sanders?

Butt-head

Uhh...no, dumbass. Colonel Sanders has, like, a white jacket, and like, a bucket of chicken.

Beavis

Oh. Oh yeah, maybe this is his son.

Butt-head

This guy fries butt nuggets.

Beavis

Um, what's a butt nugget?

Butt-head

Here, I'll show you. [is shown grunting]

Beavis

Ahh! No thanks, Butt-head. I - I'm not that hungry.

Beavis

What's the deal with these guys? It's like, they got these long-haired guys and then they got this guy, like, in a dork outfit.

Butt-head

Uh...I think these guys are just, like, joking or something.

Beavis

Oh, really? Oh yeah. They're just, like, fooling around and stuff, huh?

Butt-head

Yeah. This isn't, like, a real video.

Beavis

Oh, oh yeah. Well, that's good, yeah.

Butt-head

'Cause if this was serious, it would suck.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, I am getting kinda hungry. Got any more of those, uh, those, what are they, butt nuggets?

Butt-head

Uh, okay. Here you go! [grunts] Regular or cool ranch?

Beavis

Yeah. Butt nuggets.

Beavis

Oh no, people on a couch! Is this "Friends"?

Butt-head

Uhh, no, it's a video. It's like, whenever they want to show that a band is just, like, you know, a great bunch of guys, they make 'em all crowd onto a couch.

Beavis

You know, that show "Friends" is stupid! It's like, they're always saying stupid stuff, and um, it's all intellectual and s - and something.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis, you're supposed to watch that show with the sound down and just check out the chicks.

Beavis

Yeah, but um, I don't know, even the chicks, like, that one chick is way too skinny. And her face looks like a scarecrow!

Butt-head

Uh, yeah, but her last name is Cox.

Beavis

You know, I think you're right, Butt-head, I think, um, there have been a lot of videos, you know, like, with um, where uh, the whole band is on a couch.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

You know, Butt-head, um, maybe you should get rid of this couch and, you know, and get us some chairs to go sit in, you know, change of pace.

Butt-head

Hey, King Turd, go out and buy 'em yourself if you don't like this couch!

Beavis

What did you call me?

Butt-head

I called you "King Turd." 'Cause that's what you are.

Beavis

Um...um, that sounds kinda like a compliment, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Humpty kicks ass!

Beavis

Yeah. Humpty rules!

My name is Humpty, pronounced with a "umpty"...

Beavis

The name is Humpty, pronounced with an "umpty."

...and all the rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.

Butt-head

Rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis. I heard this guy really doesn't have a nose. He got in some accident.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! That's just a plastic nose.

Butt-head

I know! That's because he had plastic surgery!

I like the girls with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...

Butt-head

Whoa! [he and Beavis laugh uncontrollably]

Beavis

Yeah!

Butt-head

"Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you. Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly."

Beavis

"Yeah, you know what I mean, I was in a band. All the chicks liked me and all that, you know."

Butt-head

"I was nothing like you. You're a loser."

Butt-head

Uh, this is like all those movies where like, the good-looking cool guy teaches the dork how to score, and he like, trains him.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

He's grooming him.

Beavis

He's like, "you know, now that I paid for your meal, why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me?"

Butt-head

He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave. [cackles] They told us about these kinds of guys in health class.

Beavis

All the warning signs were there.

Butt-head

They may come across as friendly at first. They might even sing you a country song. But beware.

Beavis

They might buy you breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free.

Butt-head

Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Cale Dodds.

Butt-head

Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over.

Beavis

Yeah, maybe I should try that.

Butt-head

As soon as the director says "cut", that hot girl's gonna leave the dork and go score with Cale Dodds.

Beavis

And then the dork is gonna go home alone, put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey.

Butt-head

Now that's a country song.